Painful.

I just don't even know what to say.  I am in a lot of pain.  A creative project is ending and it's something I put a lot of time, love and passion into and I just can't do it anymore.  It's not healthy for me.  It makes me feel badly about myself and it's not what my higher power wants for me and it's not what I want for me.  The virus has now taken the lives of many, many people - my elderly acting teacher to be one of them.  I am so sad.  I just can't believe how lucky I was to get to study with him.  I just feel sick and tired.  It's raining and such awful weather right now - that's not helping any either.  I just looked back on here to try and figure out when I studied with him and I had written about ringing in my ears in 2015.  Have my ears been ringing since 2015!?  I just feel like shit - I am not going to lie.  Here's the difference though - physically I feel better than I have in years.  I am healing from the chemo and I am taking really good care of myself.  This soul stuff and the codependent stuff isn't going to change overnight.  So for a lack of anything else to say - I am just going to sit with my pain today, take care of what I need to take care of and do my meeting later tonight.  Also as dumb as it may sound - I am going to deeply, deeply listen to what the fuck this ear ringing is about.  The eye twitching finally stopped and this can too.  Love you Bluebie bye.