Well hello. I have had trouble writing on here or anywhere for that matter since this whole quarantine started. Yesterday I realized something and that really just drop-kicked me into reality. A reality I haven't wanted to face and I suppose I couldn't for a long, long time. Maybe I never could have - I don't know. Doesn't matter because I did. I watched something that triggered me to such a disturbing degree that I was sickened by it, on Friday. It took until yesterday for me to fully realize why it made me so disturbed. And although the details are sensational & I suppose intriguing (on some level) they don't matter. What matters is that because this information is fully coming into my consciousness I now have the knowledge I need in order to heal. I am aware and I can choose what to do with that awareness and I choose to heal. I am however still smarting form the whole thing and it feels pretty horrible. But it's okay. Because I have so many tools now I will be able to take care of myself (and I have been taking care of myself anyway) and move through this more quickly than I have moved through other things. I can soothe myself in a healthy way. In a loving, healthy way. I have taken good care of myself over the years and I have been true to myself - and for today, just today - I will continue to do that. AGH! It sucks to be in pain - any kind of pain...but it's okay. It's okay! I am saying that even though I also am upset.
I had to take a moment. Now I can love, enjoy and take care of myself on a whole different level...because now I understand there is more to the picture. There is more to take care of! And that truly is okay. Thank fucking God I am in alanon - a program that teaches me how to focus on myself (in a healthy way) and take care of me. So. So I can dust myself off and know that in a lot of ways I have done a great job. Also I can just pick myself up and let myself enjoy me and my life and get my mother-fucking power back! Kind power. Kind, loving power that is of service. Of service without hurting myself. Without giving away more than I have to give and not from a place of guilt. I feel like I am being hard on myself while I am writing this and that is not my aim either. This is about freedom. This is about being happy, joyous and free. Yes. So the good news - the GREAT news - is that today I wrote. I got on here and even though I was so uncomfortable it was almost excruciating I let myself write. Hopefully now these parts of my past that have still been "enflamed" can start to heal and I can operate differently in the world in a more manageable, effective way. Really give myself permission to take care of myself. Yeah. Work on my calling - whatever that is. I'm sure I am doing it on some level.....or I would be experiencing a whole different kind of dis-ease. Sigh. Isn't life so odd? My mind just didn't let me fully accept some truths about myself until I was able to have enough support systems in place to accept them. And deal with them. And acknowledge them. And let them go. EW RIGHT?
LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.
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