My Office

Here I am in my office and it is all on the floor.  I took a bunch of stuff out of my bookshelf to clean it and realized I should actually store many of these things.  Photo albums, journals, notebooks and well - that's it.  I opened a couple of them and it was painful.  This is once again why people don't do this - it's so fucking uncomfortable and painful.  I was writing in journals the WHOLE time I was drinking and drugging and what a shitshow.  I was so sad!  But also I wrote a lot of gratitude lists.  Also a had a ton of ideas and I made a lot and I mean A LOT of collages.  Um - who knew.  Anyway.  It's okay - I can store them away and make room for wonderful new things.  I am just going to say it once more though - it's painful.  But I just wrote in my journal about it and as soon as I wrote that it was painful - I was able to feel like I could move on and continue cleaning this stuff out.  So once again I am reminded how truly therapeutic writing is!  Get it the fuck out onto the page!  That's it!  It's so strange that I have had such a hard time doing it during this quarantine.  However today that has shifted.  I woke up super early and got to it...took care of myself and refused to let myself do anything else until I sat down to write.  Yes.  That's it.  I also and oh my GOD - this deserves it's own paragraph....

I ate a sensible lunch even though I was STARVING.  I mean STARVING.  I have been working out more so I am extra hungry and I didn't eat that much yesterday so today by lunch time I was so fucking hungry.....but I just can't do it....I can't hurt myself by over-eating....feeling bloated....feeling upset...then doing it all over again.  But more than that - cancer.  I do not want to get cancer again.  If I have to eat lightly for the rest of my life - OH WELL.  It doesn't feel good to panic eat.  It has to be so much harder for my body to try and digest food that way.  It feels like I am not trusting that there will be another meal in a few hours.  I guess I am indeed, not trusting that.  AND - guess what?  I could even skip a meal (I'm not going to) and I would be okay.  So yeah - look at me - I am a miracle - I ate a sensible lunch.  HA.

I think the rest of the world forgot about the Virus but I did not so I am still being very cautious.  I am going to go ahead and continue to do that.  I have to say I think one of the biggest challenges I have noticed for myself besides the panic-based relationship I have with food is - my breathing.  I hold my breath.  I HOOOOOOOOLD it.  Then I clench my jaw.  It's like I am trying to clench life in my teeth.  I am going to guess that is also not good for my body.  I wonder if that has something to do with the ear ringing?  God - how many years am I going to have to listen to this ringing? I mean my eye twitched for literally 5 years.  Is it something in my body?  Is it trying to tell me something?  Is the ringing trying to tell me to hear something?  Maybe.  Hello?  Still ringing.  I just re-read those sentences and thought "Maybe it's trying to tell me I'm neurotic."  HAHA.  Gotta go LIVE THIS DAY!!!  Byeeeeee.