Saturday, January 4, 2020
TGIS
Thank God it's Saturday right? I'm so tired. But I'm okay and better than I was last night. I went out with some girlfriends and one of them was not liking me and instead of stearing clear of her I just kept getting in there, trying to people please and GET HER TO LOVE me the way I wanted her too. It did not happen and once again I couldn't sleep last night. Ugh! However I did go to alanon and stayed for the business meeting and then went and did step-work with a sponsee and that really helped. So then I ran a quick errand and came home and took care of myself. I'm drinking a nice tea and organizing myself. I have some real issues with being entwined with other people emotionally even when THEY ARENT THERE. What the fuck? Well anyway it's okay and I really do see it's my stuff but holy fuck it's exhausting. I deserve to sleep. My guy says these people bother me because I don't feel good about myself so when someone looks at me like I'm a piece of shit or says something cunty to me I think to myself "SEE I KNEW IT! THEY KNOW! THEY KNOW THE TRUTH - THAT CUNT BAG RIGHT THERE KNOWS IM AWFUL!!! SHES SEES THE REAL MEEEEEEEE!" Okay yeah that's healthy. That's realistic. THATS HORRIBLE. I'm not saying the woman last night was a cunt bag - she wasn't. She just wasn't liking me for some reason and that was that. IT HAPPENS. It's not fun but Jesus - it's okay! Who cares! I don't like people sometimes and sometimes I can't talk to people because they smell! That's it! This seems so stupid right now it really does. I'm going to meditate for a few mins. Love you Bluebie bye.
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