Sideways Anger & What Do I Deserve?

I am hungry right now but I attempting to intermittent fast a few times a week and this is one of the days.  Woooof it's challenging.  Anyway I read up on it and it's really amazing for your body and it uses up excess crap in your body for energy when you don't eat (fast).  Stuff like tumors etc.  I'm not saying it exactly right and I don't care - I am doing it.  I feel good when I do it.  Except at the moment because I am hungry.  Comes in waves.  ANYWAY.  Sideways anger.......memories....detaching from other people and realizing what I deserve, which is kindness.

MY sponsor said that my repressed memories are/were part of why I was so angry.  That being manipulated, lied to and what's that word?  Fuck.  Deceived.  She says it creates anger and it often comes out sideways since we aren't often even aware of what caused it.  Gross.  So okay.  I am taking really good care of myself and I am working through this slowly.  Thank God I was already sober and in therapy.  And in alanon!  I have plenty of places to work this out and tools to deal with the really ew feelings.  God I'm hungry.  This whole thing has made me realize many things one of them being one I accept unkind behavior from people....and the other is why when a certain type of woman comes into my orbit - then somehow says I am wrong in some way - why that is SO cutting to me.  So hurtful - so - BIG.  This has happened with women I know well and women I don't know at all.  It is as they say in the program hysterical because it's historical.  EW & GROSS.  This is why people don't do this work or look at this shit it's excruciating.  Or you know I should say this is why I never did the work until I was almost dying - it's so very difficult.  OKAY SO..........so what I don't know.  That's where I am.  Surfaced repressed memories and a piece of the puzzle has been put in place that feels like a hideous piece but is actually giving me a lot of information and ultimately power.   And you know I just had this thought - it will help me to be kinder to other people also.  Because hopefully as I learn to see this type of person coming I can detach more quickly.  Before I rope myself into some sort of people pleasing and trying to fix some feeling from 40+ years ago.  That's a lot to ask of someone you met at a coffee shop!  Or even a friend!!  God - it's all about taking care of myself.  Uncomfortable.  Accepting responsibility for myself is uncomfortable.  Taking back true power is uncomfortable.  Realizing my part is uncomfortable.  Being lightened is even uncomfortable.  But it is what I am interested in.  My friend had an aneurysm yesterday.  She is in a medically induced coma.  She has struggled taking care of herself in similar ways to me.  Life is so short and precious.  I have ben given a second chance and if wading through this is what I need to do to be free then I accept the challenge.  Time to breathe and do my celery juice and then EAT.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PS - I deserve to be happy.