Learning.

Do you watch Shameless?  We love that show - it's SO FUNNY.  If you are a person that comes from any kind of dysfunctional home I feel like you can relate to that show.  Or not - I don't know but we love it and watch it all the time.  The last episode we watched Frank is in trouble with this woman and she's mad at him for something he did 25 years before but he can't remember what it is so he says to her "That sounds like a you problem."  And it was fucking hilarious.  I really laughed and I just laughed right now while I was typing it out.  I need to be more like Frank!  I mean really that is what I am learning in alanon.....it's often a you problem.  Frank is an alcoholic disaster so he wasn't saying it from a healthy place but I want to....I want to be separate from other people and their stuff or rather I want to detach.  So I can enjoy being around other people!  Anyway I had this crazy realization after I saw a project I worked on and got triggered.  I got upset about how "someone treated me"  which is ridiculous and I couldn't resolve in myself what was happening after I saw this person again.  I kept asking myself what I could have done to make this person be upset with me and so cunty.  Then I realized this amazing thing that I have probably written about before but it became so so clear to me........

She acted like a cunt because she was acting like a cunt.  It didn't have anything to do with me.  That was her and her behavior.  HER STUFF.  If I am acting like a cunt it's because of me and my stuff - my character.  Yeah - so - mind blown.  Actually more like - mind shifted.  SHIFT.  OH.  Yes we effect each other and blah blah but I didn't do anything - I know I didn't.  What?  I ate some cheese so she started to treat me like a cunt because 2 days before I said I try not to eat cheese???  Good fucking LORD - I would sincerely hope that I am not that powerful with my food choices.  Ew - it sucks to be like this.  It has been so much untangling and just sorting out of crap in my own head.  Haha I am laughing about someone saying something like "I was acting like a cunt to you because you are a LIAR!!  You said you avoid dairy but you just ate a ham & cheese croissant from Dunkin Donuts!!  Now I am enraged and I HATE YOU - I can't even LOOK AT YOU.  I am going to give you dirty looks and laugh at you behind your back for 3 days now.  You disgust me."  I am laughing again.  This might be one of those posts that I go back and read a year from now and thin it really isn't that funny.  I have been that person.  That person who really thinks someone else made them behave badly somehow.  Lord I am so sleepy.  I need to go do some work - love you Bluebie byeeeee.