Peace of Mind

Oh boy I am tired and I am learning - I should say re-learning something I learned a long time ago - which is that I need to be around nature and I need a lot of space in order to have peace of mind.  I also need prayer & meditation, lots of water and exercise.  I need to write, laugh and read.  I also need to be around people but I can't be crammed in with people - I need my boundaries.  I knew all this a long time ago.  I guess that's why it's called recovery - fucking DUH - we recover what we had a long time ago - or a short while ago - I don't know.  God it's so crazy.  Okay well anyway I am relearning this and for some reason the peace of mind part, the healing my inner life - is the part that has taken the longest for me to get to.  Which is so crazy because I am ALL ABOUT the inside.  Do you know I took a trip once (probably wrote about this before but doing it again) with a woman who was going blind.....she could see a little - enough to be able to grab the ketchup off the table but she was blind enough to need a seeing eye dog and when she was alone in the cabin we were in she was very nervous.  Anyway at a certain point I realized that the way she moved around, the way she was interpreting the space around her, the way she was literally moving through space and keeping her physical body safe was the same way I did these things.  I was like what the fuck is going on?  I can see?  I was so confused but then I realized it's because I am sensitive and I have all these things....the damage that has been done when I was little....the alcoholism in my family....the chaos that I experienced and the WATCHING FOR IT.  But also I have a gift of empathy, I am an empath and I can feel what other people are feeling.  So I have to be careful because I can absorb that energy and make it my own - which isn't healthy.  So there is a lot going on and my point is that I see without my eyes a lot because I am a feeler.  I feel my way through life.  So if I am someone who feels my way through life you can bet I need to recharge A LOT and that's not going to happen around a lot of chaos.  So these things that made me who I am (damage, chaos, abuse, love, fear blah blah) also created magical things in me.  Isn't that wild?  It's how alcoholism has now given me the tools for a wonderful life.  Go fucking figure right?  Self-care and peace of mind.  I am really going to aim for the peace of mind now.  I didn't go to therapy today because I would have had to super stress out to go and I really needed to take care of myself, cook a healthy meal and get my head together.  It's just always such a balancing act.  What is the best move to make to stay healthy and whole?  Become healthy and whole?  To be in the day, enjoy it and be part of it?  To be part of life again?  Amazing.  I am amazed.  Love you Bluebie bye.