Strength

Where does the strength come from?  Where do people get it?  Where have I ever gotten it?  I never even thought I had any till I got cancer - really.  Not even sobriety made me feel strong.  They say in the program that we get our strength form our high power.  That makes sense right?  I meditate every morning to get guidance and the power to carry out that guidance.  I am not sure why but I make it way more fucking complicated than that.  I can feel and see that power - the light - when I meditate.  It's not all floaty and nuts or anything - it's just a power and a light and it gets brighter and I feel stronger when I plug in.  When I can really plug in and let my thoughts go.  Okay well anyway it's been a rough week......emotionally.  Okay but wait - wait - it's also been a very good week and my life is growing & changing, evolving all the time in a wonderful way.  So this isn't some out of control, horrible I am a victim thing - because I am not.  First of all - I am strong and I am not letting myself say anything different than that.  I have worked hard and I continue to work hard.  I have trusted that working hard would break me out of patterns of self-abuse and I was correct to trust.  I have moved, I have loved, I have fucking lived.  And when I got cancer I took care of myself and asked for help and got the help I needed.  But mostly - I fucking took care of myself.  And you know what?  I did a great job.  Now.....now some things have become clear to me that I can only describe as disturbing.  Ugh GOD - who  fucking cares?  I mean - look - if you have read a bunch of this blog it won't come as a shock to hear that some shit went down in my childhood that was disturbing.  I think the memories have been there floating around, whispering to me....just sort of in the back of my mind.  Well last weekend I heard some things that made those thoughts come to the forefront of my mind and I pieced together some parts of the puzzle and guess what?  The puzzle is fucking hideous.  However the puzzle is also in the past and I am here.  I am strong and I am already doing all of the things to take care of myself.  And here is one of the greatest gifts I am giving myself now.....ready?  Boundaries.  I can have them and I can keep them.  And I can be kind!  Or not!  Whatever I want to do.  But most importantly I can say what does or doesn't work for me and if I don't like something I can get the fuck up and walk somewhere else.  Ugh I want a brownie.  So that part of this week has been rough.  But it's negativity that I am meant to be free from.  I know it and I can feel it.  It's something I am being shown so I can let it go and stop holding onto it in my body.  I am a good person, I have worked so hard and I deserve to enjoy my life as much as possible.  I don't have to be sick again - I can heal.  So that's it I guess - how do I find the strength to let the negativity go?  The strength to be positive - the strength to live in the fucking LIGHT?  But the real light??  Maybe I was a victim and okay I was - fine, gross, barf and how fucking enraging.  I am not one now though.  You know what this feels like?  When you have a toenail that's too long and it's cutting into your other toe, you have no idea and then you look and there's blood all over your foot and a gash where the toenail was digging in?  And you don't even realize it hurts till you look at it?  That's this.  I have written in my regular journal this week a bit more - I was so angry.........I needed to just spew...

Anyway so you are my therapy once again dear blog but well not but just thank you.  My friend is dying from cancer...weeks to live.....I have been given the chance to live again twice now - alcoholism & cancer.  No one said it was going to be easy this life and I have been blessed in so many ways.  I can heal through this too.  It's not life threatening - it's just clarity & it's not pretty.

I'm just going to do what I did through most of my cancer treatment - just breathe.  Yeah.  Slowly, slowly breathe.  Drink lots of water, job, write, and I really might go get a brownie.  Love oyu Bluebie bye.