Sunday, December 22, 2019
Restart in 14 Minutes
That's what this computer just said so I have to make it quick. Today is a new glorious day and I have been making the most of it and dare I say enjoying it. I still feel mind-fucked by that sponsee (ex-sponsee thank GOD) but also that's my issue. I believe people when they lie to themselves but more than that I get in there and tangle with their disease. It's my alanon stuff. I just see a sign on the road that says a relationship isn't working and I think "I NEED ANOTHER 10-12 SIGNS BECAUSE I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS SIGN IS TELLING ME." HA! Okay keep coming back. I am going to keep coming back. I kept saying my whole way into the city last night "Bless her change me bless her change me." Because that's really the problem - me. I have to get in the shower and get ready for my show tonight. I also need to eat dinner. Okay I don't know - it's just a new day and I worked really hard to get out of my head last night so I would do the best I could onstage and I did. I did a great job. This morning we had a nice jog together the guy & I and I ran errands and was able to get my friend a nice book for her birthday. And one day a friend will ask me to sponsor her and I will really think with my heart if I can help the person and if they really want help. Because the reality is I can't help anyone - we do it ourselves. We march to meetings, we work on ourselves and we do the work - the steps. We march right through that shit and then we slowly so so slowly start to change. And for me I have to just let go of the notion I can help anyone. Because I can not. That's not what a sponsor does. We listen, share our experience and what we did and then THAT'S IT. But for some people - we can't listen that much. Because I really listened to this person and she just talked and talked and never wanted to do the work. GOD - I want to say I was a fool for trying to help but I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do. And it has been my experience in every fucking way with every fucking thing I do that until I am in it - doing it - I don't learn how to do it well and what NOT to do. So she was my teacher. THANKS. Haha I am just kidding. She was and I do love her although I still feel awful. It's so mean when someone blame you for their behavior. It's like a child saying you are why they fell down. I don't even fully know if that's what happened. I am just glad it's a new day and I got to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. Yes. I just sighed a happy sigh of relief. Off to alanon soon so I can figure out how to be kind AND be of service and leave relationships that aren't working much, much sooner. Or whatever I am supposed to learn. Love you Bluebie bye.
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