Hello.

A sponsee broke up with me today.  Well she asked sort of - if she should do it since she doesn't want to do things the way I do them so blah blah.  Basically she just wants to do what she wants to do and that's what she has always done.  So guess what?  She's miserable and it's so hard to see and hear.  She is just controlling her own show and man is it not working.  She's so upset so often and it's heart-breaking.  I have to say though that today I really had a hard time being kind and by the end of our conversation I was actually angry.  But here's the thing....I have been upset working with her for awhile but I stayed in it and I should have said I can't help you.  Because I can't help her - I can't help anyone.  I just say what I did to stay sober.  That's it!  It has taken me so long to realize that simple thing.  They say in the program this slogan "It's a Simple Program for Complicated People."  True.  True.  It also doesn't work if you don't do it.  Anyway I am trying to work my way back to being kind....back to being in and enjoying my day.....and I am getting there.  I have a couple shows to night so I am trying to get ready for those.  I just have to shake it off.  I have really realized I am an empathy and now I have to be really REALLY fucking careful about who I am around and how much of their stuff I listen to.  I will be more careful before I say yes to sponsoring someone again.  I just felt icky today anyway - I went to the doctor yesterday to get a second opinion about a cancer pill they want me to take.  I liked the doctor and she explained again why it would be helpful and it upset me because she said it could help me BUT THERE'S NO GAURANTESS.  Then she said "There's thousands and thousands of women that have been studied that this worked for but WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT COME BACK ANYWAY."  She also finally said (after I explained numerous times that I have mental health issues) that it will have side effects of mood swings, hot flashes, loss of libido, dry vagina and osteoporosis.  Do you know what I just realized?  NO FUCKING WONDER I WAS UPSET LISTENING TO HER CRY TODAY ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE TO SIT IN HER FAVORITE CHAIR BECAUSE SHE HAS TO WORK FULL TIME.

I already have all those side effects (not osteoporosis that I know of) and I am working so hard to take care of them naturally and holistically and now they want me to take something that will make those WORSE??  Jesus.  And that if I don't then I am somehow "taking a chance" even though "WHO THE FUCK KNOWS ANYWAY?"  Um - HA.  That's hilarious.  She literally disclaimed everything she was telling me with - "yeah I don't know - no one knows but it could help, or not."  God - doesn't it seem like there is a kinder, healthier option?  Which I asked her and she said maybe but there aren't any studies done about that.  I see - I see why I was so upset today.  I am grateful that I am not working with that woman anymore - she is my friend and we probably should have never been working together like that.  Or who knows - not anymore anyway.  I have to go and get myself ready for tonight - love you Bluebie bye.