I'm feeling blue...

I'm not depressed.  I'm just blue.  I went to the farm this weekend and my sister is doing such an amazing job, my father would be so proud of her.  I miss him though - I really do and I just left feeling so blue.  I think I miss exercising so much - I need to get myself on the treadmill today.  It's cold and gray.  I am so bald.  I have more chemo tomorrow and my veins hurt.  I guess I have reasons to feel blue but this feels chemical somehow.  I woke up after a good night's sleep and prayed & meditated so that was good.  I had a yummy, healthy breakfast.  I'm cooking brown rice and I am going to make a nice, healthy stir-fry.  OH BOY.  I AM GOING THROUGH CHEMO AND I FEEL SAD.  I don't have cancer anymore - I have to keep telling myself that.  I am sick from chemo.  I am sad because I can't take my St. John's Wort and I can't exercise the way I would like.  I am nauseas a lot form the chemo so my food is all off also.  There's some days I can barely eat AND I LOVE FOOD.  I feel like all I talk about is food.  Okay so let's get this is perspective.  I'm just a little off myself that's all.  I can get on the treadmill.  Aren't I grateful that I have one?  Yes.  I can hear the birds outside - isn't that wonderful?  I can smell the rice cooking and that's making me feel better too.  Nice and warm.  I will get all ready and go about my day - go host that show tonight.  I can write first for it also.  Get myself and my head on straight.  Do the best I can.  Go wash my car!  It's a hot mess from driving in the snow.  I have things to do.  Stay as busy as I can without stressing myself out.  That's a balance.  Okay well I think this helped.  I just want to go back to bed.  Great!  Didn't help enough.  One of my sponsees sent me a sun lamp.  Why don't I go ahead and use it!  HELLO.  Wow.  I am just so scared about tomorrow.  It's the craziest thing doing this.  Like what the fuck am I doing to myself?  Saving my life.  I am saving my life.  Okay.  Okay.  OKAY.  Saving my life.  God let me have my feelings today, not wallow in them and for fuck's sake keep a good attitude.  I am in a nice, quiet, warm apartment and I'm making rice.  This is a beautiful thing.  I can go eat a cake if I want to and that's fucking fine.  I have a job to go to and another job to go to after that.  I have things to do that I love and if I want to cancel everything I can because I am going through something.  All I have to do is take care of myself.   I wrote that and my shoulders dropped.  Jeez.  I am such a shoulders up kind of person.  Tension and they go right up around my ears.  All good.  Man that rice smells delicious.  Thank you for listening - I really needed to just go off a little bit.  I feel better.  Isn't it strange how writing it down makes it a bit better.  I wonder why.  I guess it doesn't matter - love oyu Bluebie bye.