Forgiveness and Structure.

I have a new sponsor right?  Well how do I explain this?  Let me start by saying how I have done something called a tenth step whenever I have been resentful - which is a lot - with a tenth step buddy.  In the tenth step you sort of clean up the resentment and move on with your day.  Well my new sponsor says something to the effect of if you are doing tons of tenth steps then your character defects are still in place - right?  Well one of my characters defects is being victimized by people.  I think.  I am very resentful anyway - angry, get my feelings hurt all the time and then remunerate over that shit for years - DECADES even.  Which is just me poisoning myself!  Is this making sense?  I don't know anyway I am going to just keep writing....so I am never forgiving is the short answer to this story.  I just hold on to that shit.  So I am going to practice forgiveness in 2018.  I forgave my father and it healed our relationship or at least it began the healing of our relationship.  Here's the thing - I am just going to have to practice this forgiveness shit because even writing this I am remembering things that hurt me, hurt my feelings, made me question relationships and just UGH I WANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT ANGER.  Then my left boob hurts.  That fucking boob is like an antennae now it's so crazy.  So I can practice forgiveness and I can start by forgiving myself.  We are all just doing the best we can.  Right?  I mean I know for years I couldn't act rightly - I was a sick and suffering alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.  So now I am treating my alcoholism, I go to therapy, I am in Alanon and guess what?  Still a mess and tell old ladies to go fuck themselves sometimes!  So imagine not having any of that or even knowing why or what it is that's wrong?  For other people I mean?  Why can't I let them be disasters too!?  I was a disaster!  Even well into sobriety (as you can tell by going back and reading ANY of this blog) I was a hot mess.  Okay well I feel like I am dancing around saying something but I'm not sure what.  I'm getting hungry.  Now to the structure portion....

I crave structure but I never knew it.  Or did I know it?  I have no idea but right now I am acutely aware of how much I need it and CRAVE it like a brownie.  Yum brownies.  I just am so off the ground and my head is so in the clouds that the structure helps me to have a day.  Yesterday I ate like 4 meals before 2:00 pm.  It was all healthy food but no not but....and then I was sort of confused about dinner and what in the fuck am I trying to say?  I have so much more structure in my life now than I used to and it feels like fresh air.  Now I want even more.  Structure me!  Structure this!  Organize my life!  I can waste 45 minutes staring at the wall!  There's nothing wrong with that unless it makes me feel bad.  I don't know I just want more structure.  Have a I made that point?  STRUCTURE.  Man I need to eat something.  I have been eating rice chex with almond milk - yum!  I fucking love food.  I LOVE FOOD AND STRUCTURE.  Who the fuck am I?  Okay Happy New Year!  Happy Fucking Structure and Forgived New Year!!!!