Day 2843

I am doing everything I can to avoid exercising right now.  I wrote in my journal, tried to work on my resume and even made a grocery list.  It's so weird.  Or is it?  I just - it hurts!  It hurts to exercise and it feels GREAT to eat and lay down.  That is why everyone does it!  That's why America is fat!  Okay I know it doesn't always feel good to eat and lay down and being fat is horrible and feels awful.  Eating too much makes me feel like I am going to explode and die and that feels awful.  I can do this.  I can do this!  It's not lie I have this rigorous, insane workout routine.  I do a little bit of yoga, work out with the kettle bell and jog for 2 miles and walk for like 10.  Haha that's not exactly crazy.  Omg - I am like 2 steps away from water aerobics Jesus.  Anyway it's a new day.  IT's quiet here at our house now thank God.  I love the quiet mornings here where I can meditate and take care of myself.  Get myself back on the ground - heal myself and get back in my body and soul.  Our neighbor that blow dries his driveway was doing it today while I was meditating and I am having a sensitive sound day so of course it was driving me nuts.  I put on the headphones and really just focused on the mantra.....but you know I was angry and I tried to let myself be angry because it's not healthy to deny my feelings you know?  Anyway what has been happening lately and I think this is a result of the Alanon work - which by the way is ZERO fun but I don't fucking know - I guess it's like exercise - the benefits are HUGE - what has been happening is that I realize people aren't doing crazy shit because of me.  HOLD ONTO YOUR SEATS FOR THIS NEXT ONE!  In fact that fucking guy isn't even THINKING of me when he's blow drying that driveway.  It's because of some weird shit from his childhood or the crystal meth or whatever the fuck they have going on.  IT has nothing to do with me.  It still bothers me and it feels weird - it's not just the sound of it - it's the feeling behind it.  Somehow his blow-drying feels weirder than when other neighbors do loud shit to their houses.  Okay now I feel guilty about the crystal meth comment but seriously for all the time those people spend outside in their yard they are like the color of skim milk - it is so fucking weird.  I'm sure they have been like when is that woman going to have her baby already about me for the last 2 years.  I have to go.  Blah blah.  What was point even?  OH - that I am effected (affected?) by other people but it has nothing to do with me.  Weird right?  Is that what normal people know?  I AM EXHAUSTED AND I HAVE ONLY BEEN AWAKE 2 HOURS.  Bye.