Day 2783

I have been going about my life and often thinking of the great post I am going to write when I get home...the title, the content, and the  MESSAGE.  Then I get busy and don't have the time.  Or make the time or whatever.  I forget.  I want to snuggle and watch TV instead.  It occurred to me this weekend that I need clarity around my acting and comedy career.  A clear picture - a clear dream, a clear vision.  I don't have that.  When I think about it I start to panic and think to myself something like this..."I have to submit myself for a ton of things, I need to babysit why don't I dance anymore if I danced I would be in better shape now I need to stop eating dairy if I get a great job I wont be there for those kids to pick them up from school but what am I going to do this Summer?  I can't get attached to a baby if I babysit a baby why am I so focused on babysitting I need to book shows omg what about that show in MAY holy shit I'm fat OMG OMG OMG!!!"  That is what happens.  Oh and throw in a little "AND WHAT AM I DOING FOR THE WORLD ANYWAY???"  Isn't that exhausting?  It feels exhausting just typing it.  Whoa.  So some clarity.  It's okay I can have a clear dream.  I don't have to feel guilty because I want a clear picture for myself - it's really okay.  One day at a time that's all.  IT's officially Spring here - everything is blossoming and the birds are up and at 'em chirping away.  It's so nice.  This time last year was when I finally started to adjust to living here.  How was I working at those jobs and traveling everyday like that on metro-north?  I really don't know how I did that.  Oh Christ that is giving me anxiety thinking about it. I wanted to do it and so I did - that's all.  Now I want something else and that's great.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - man he is a sweetheart and SO pleasant to be around, just sweet and kind.  Which of course always make me think he is trying to kill me.  MY mind is SO NEGATIVE.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  Okay I am going to go for a walk and enjoy this weather before I go get those kids.  Clarity.  I am aiming for a clear and calm picture.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.