Self-Destruction.

I am sliding away.  I am so self-destructive right now.  My thoughts are so negative and I am not being nice to the guy.  He starts eating nuts and I want to stab myself and move to Africa.  I have such a short fuse - it's horrifying.  This whole thing with my sponsee - she isn't even really - is killing me.  My sponsor said this relationship is supposed to help me too and it isn't.  It hasn't for a long time.  So now I need to do something for myself and I just can't wrap my brain around that.  I feel like I am letting her down although honestly and truly I don't feel like I am helping her - not with sobriety.  It's horrible.  I am up against myself and I don't think I like myself very much right now.  You know - I don't even think she is thinking about this - at all.  I am tortured and she's just ignoring my phone call and living her life.  It's a beautiful day.  We just went jogging.  I don't feel as sick to my stomach - I think my hormones might be regulating a little bit.  We are going to my Mom's today and I'm so sad my father wont be there.  Oh God - I'm just so fucking heart-broken right now about him.  I don't know - I feel so sad I didn't spend more time there over the Summer.  Whatever - I'm grieving and its so fucking painful.  The farm.  Last year we didn't get a tree from there.  Ugh I feel like throwing up.  Of course its sad.  All the big holidays are coming up.  My crazy sister is there right now with my mother pretending like she loves her like crazy all of a sudden.  I don't know - maybe she does.  Maybe she thinks she does.  I guess its never too late in life but it just feels disingenuous and exhausting.  Please God and Blog - help me to be kind today and loving.  For myself and my mother.  Love you Bluebie bye.