New Day.

Well it's another day.  I got to wake up sober, pray, meditate and write in my journal.  It makes me happy, it make me feel better.  It's sunny out.  Not much has changed and people are raging but life goes on.  I'm confused which my therapist says happens because I'm angry.  Which is odd that I would have to deflect my anger - I'm always angry and I feel very in touch with that!  I have realized that I have such a sense of deprivation.  Deprivation, shame, humiliation and lack.  Wait - is there more?  Look it sounds like I'm cutting myself with these words but I'm not or at least I don't think I am.  I am just so aware of it - them.  I think when I get PMS these baseline feelings become magnified and then I get enraged but I don't know why.  I mean I don't know why I am enraged.  I swear this is me working something out and not just beating myself up.  Or I am just jerking off to my own misery?  I don't think so.  I think that these baseline feelings are what get in my way a lot.  And yesterday I felt very in my own way until I started to talk nicely to myself.  So I think a huge part of why I am in my own way is the negative self-talk.  Okay.  So.  SO.  What would I think if I was reading this?  What would I get from this writer?  I'm going to re-read one sec.  Okay I re-read, then I paused and closed my eyes for a second and then re-read again.  It reads to me as someone who is digging and looking at difficult things and trying to get to the core of their suffering.  Am I completely full of shit right now?  Am I just dancing around the fact I don't feel well?  I have no fucking idea.  Or maybe I do.  Maybe I just want to type and write something because the sheer act of just moving my fingers along the keys gives me pleasure.  I feel better.  Or I feel good I should say.  It's cathartic.  So.  So hmmm.  Well I have a rehearsal today and a show tonight.  I just want to do my best today and be kind to myself.  Just keep it in the day.  I'm exhausted.  Love you Bluebie bye.