Day 2049 - so confused.

I always say that right?  That I'm confused - only this time I really mean it.  What in the fucking world am I doing selling this jewelry?  I promised myself I would try it for one year - I would commit to one year.  Here are the positives - I look better, I have more jewelry than I have ever had in my life.  I actually love the stuff and I have sold a bunch of it and I have donated more money than I have ever donated.  Downsides - I am not making enough money, it's a shitload of work and I am scared that this is just crazy making on my part.  And that it's just distracting me from my art,  I am actually going to sell some of it this week at a show - so lets see how that goes.  It would be so great if I could somehow combine the two.  I just wish I was having more fun.  At this particular moment - I am not having any fun.  I very stressed out, kind of fat (although I did run yesterday and today - today was more like a slow jog - Jesus - so was yesterday) missing my class because I don't make enough money and filled with shame and humiliation about all of it.  I mean - come on.  That's not fun.  At all.  The shame and humiliation are the worst.  It just feels like I am never going to get out of this place - meaning - this place of money.  I just feel like I am backsliding - that's all.  I'm just confused and - well - it feels a lot like how I felt at that B&B all the time - I was just always feeling humiliated.  I don't have to feel humiliated - I just don't make enough money and I am making adjustments.  What in the world is the lesson here?  Where's my power?  Where's the love and ease?  What do I want?  I want a job where I make enough money to live - very comfortably, be able to go on auditions and be able to go and do the jobs I get and then I want to be able to do comedy - tons of comedy at night.  There you go.  That's what I want.  Enough money to be able to be in the union and have health insurance.  That's what sounds like a fun, beautiful, glittery and exciting life to me.  I  can't believe how much this feels like early sobriety - it's crazy.  I feel like everything is ruined and I can't imagine anything will ever get any better.  I mean in my heart (mostly) and in my head - that's what it really seems like right now.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Ugh bye.