Best of me.

I am trying now at this point in my life - right here right now today to not give a shit what anyone thinks about me.  Not in the same way I didn't give a shit about anything when I was drinking.  In fact I cared more then what people thought about me.  Now I care very much about me, my life - growing, being a good person - loving the best I can and being the best me I can be.  However I can no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about me - it's fucking exhausting - I mean EXHAUSTING and it doesn't matter anyway.  At all.  How can I let God and art through me if I give a shit what some twat on the A train thinks?  Or if I care - fuck I forgot what I was going to write.  SHIT.  Hahaha - well see there you go- who fucking cares.  What the fuck was I going to say?  How can I worry about what someone thinks and honestly express myself?  This program that I'm in doesn't tell me I have to worry about what anyone thinks - I just need to be kind and helpful to other alcoholics and be of service.  Okay anyway.  OH THAT'S what I was going to say.  I worry about being bitchy and when I am I think "Oh no - now they don't like me."  Oh you know what - GOOD.  I'm usually bitchy because someone has been a turd and you know what - even if they haven't been I'm a fucking human being and sometimes I'm going to be bitchy.  Sorry.  So I will try to keep that in check but who GIVES A SHIT.  Ugh.  Last night this girl sat next to me on the subway and would not keep in her area.  I moved over a bit, shaved her a bit, gave her dirty looks, shoved again and then did my "purse shove over put your arm on THAT" move.  She could have given 3 fucks and by the time I realized that she could probably kick my ass - I could tell she was going to get off at her stop soon.  Then I thought to myself "What if she just gets up and screams CUUUUNT at me??  What the fuck will I do then??"  She proceeds to get up at her stop - I watched her get up with profound relief and she turned around and said "Byyyyyyyyee!!" with this creepy look in her eye.  HA.  I was so surprised - not that she said something but that I actually knew she was going to.  I then got comfortable and said thank you for letting her get off the train.  I mean - come on - good for her.  Who cares.  I was being bitchy but she was also being completely annoying.  So who cares.  I know I will see this girl again - I just know it.  So this morning I thought to myself - I have to write this down and get it out.  God - I just spent so long trying to find the W. Somerset Maugham novel where the woman talks about her husband who was a writer and says something like "Writers a re the strangest creatures - they write it down and then they are done with it."  SOMETHING like that!  I haven't read that many of his novels - I don't know - UGH.  Gotta go- love you Bluebie byyyyyeee.