Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I had a dream on Friday night - it completely freaked me out.  It woke me up it was so disturbing.  I dreamed I met a blonde man who seemed nice - normal - liked me - but something unnerved me as he left.  Then I dreamed he went underwater and stuck his head in a well (underwater) and then he stuck his arm in the well, grabbed his chin and pulled his chin backwards towards his back and pulled his body inside out away from himself.  His teeth were somehow bizarrely involved and his body grew bigger and disappeared as it went backwards and inside out into a giant black spiral.  It looked very sci-fi in the dream and it disturbed me so much I woke up.  I can't quite describe the cold, empty, frightening, wrong feeling it left me with.  Or I mean I guess I can - it was awful.  Then he died and I remembered the dream and I just got more freaked out.  That he had so much sobriety - so much life - and that the disease got him again - it's was so heart-breaking to me and terrifying.  It just made me realize even more that if I am not moving away from a drink - I am moving towards one and I can't afford to move towards one - I'm already too crazy.  I hope he didn't die like in that dream - I hope he just floated away - I hope the pain wasn't there when he died.  I don't want to die like that.  I want to die knowing that the ripples of energy that have come out of me at least were kind.  So today I will do the best I can, love the best I can and be compassionate toward myself.  That might sound selfish and Lord knows I am but the Tao says one of our 3 treasures is compassion - "being compassionate towards ourselves - we reconcile all beings in the world."  So till my next rage filled rant - love you Bluebie.