Deprivation.

Hi.  So I'm trying to learn how to not deprive myself of - life.  I think that depriving myself is a natural state for me.  I hold my pee until I'm about to pee on the floor- and sometimes I do.  I totally wait to eat until I'm FREAKING out - or I overeat which is AWFUL.  Okay - I'm not going to go on - Iwill say this - I want to grow.  I want to stay sober and I want to grow and I want to face the challenges in my life and if I am operating from a place of deprivation - I will not grow - that's it - that's all there is to it.  So I just went for a walk in the sunshine - it's a beautiful Fall day and I enjoyed a little walk.  I came back into the store and I feel so much better.  Last night I went and did that show and then even though I could have stayed and done another one - I left - still late but I left and went home, made some eggs and put myself to bed.  So I woke up feeling better - less exhausted than yesterday.  Then I took the night off from the comedy club tonight.  I have to be at that new job tomorrow at 9:00 A.fuckingM. and that is never going to happen if I go to bed at 2:00 which is the only thing that will happen if I work tonight.  The trains are running all crazy past 10:00 and I am not doing that to myself.  So this is a new part of my life.  Being nicer to myself by at least not completely depriving myself of sleep.  Oh lord - where is the money going to come from?  Where is the boyfriend going to come from?  I don't know - I really don't know.  Well - I am commiting.learning.doing and God is going to have to figure out everything else.  Just even thinking about not depriving myself makes my heart - what?  Uncomfortable.  It scares me.  Isn't that sad?  Oh fucking well - time to get it up for this challenge.  I love you my Bluebie Blueb.  Let's see where I was this time last year.