WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I have already had to talk myself off the negative mountain so many times today and I did it but I am freaking out.  I don't have sex - although every night and every morning I here the people above me having sex.  I hear their bed having sex - not voices.  Today was quite rhythmic and fast I must say.  Jesus - I just can't seem to get it together.  What am I doing?  Does this make any sense?  Am I doing something wrong?  Should I just be throwing myself out there - getting a man and having a baby?  I got so excited about going back to school and then the more research I did the more it seemed completely insane - completely expensive.  I'm getting old fast and I am FAT.  What?  Okay - I'm not that old and I'm not that fat.  I am however bored - AND OH MY GOD - SEE????  Why is every man I'm attracted to gay or taken?  Am I really going to be a spinster?  Last night I heard more shall be revealed.  That is true - I know it's true.  Um - wow.  Maybe I should look at a year ago today on this blog.  I know I'm less angry.  I moved.  Um - I got a raise.  Last night when I was upset and thinking about how someone didn't understand me I had a revelation that it didn't matter if they understood or what they think (really what I think their thinking) - what matters is how I feel and taking care of myself.  AMAZING.  Okay - I'm going to look at a year ago.  WOW - that was fascinating.  Okay - I wished I had a tub in that post.  It was from August 1st, 2011 and I wished I had a tub and I do now.  I have a tub and although there is a little bit of cigarette smoke it is not NEARLY at the level of at Creepy's place - not at all.  I'm going to go home tonight and super clean my new apartment.  I have unpacked everything and now I'm going to super clean and go for a walk in the park.  Yesterday when I was here at the store I did lunges and I'm going to do that also.  I also read a post where I wrote about how life is like a bicycle and that unless you keep moving you fall off.  Balance - right?  It's all about balance.  I went home last night instead of going out with people so I could get a decent night's sleep and I did.  It was hard and it made me sad to go home but I did it and sleeping is so important.  I need my sleep and I've never really let myself sleep that much and I am going to commit to that right now.  I am ALWAYS reading how to eat healthy, how to take care of myself - ALL these things to do and guess what one of them always is and is FREE?  Sleeping.  I'm going to do lunges, practice acceptance and breathe and call people.  The I am going to go home and take care of myself and get a great night's sleep.  Bye Blueberry - thank you for being here for me!!