Shame.

I'm rereading a book called "If The Buddha Got Stuck".  I think I read it when I was drinking still - I don't remember buying it (I found it in the move amongst my books) and I seem to know parts of it but only vaguely.  So yes I must have read it drunk and high.  Okay so yesterday I read this part about shame.  Just as I finished that chapter I got home and that movie Shame had arrived from Netflix.  Well Holy Fuck - wow.  I am just so fucking aware of how much shame I feel all the time.  Shame about getting angry, about farting, about eating too much about sneezing, about not peeing on time - SO MUCH FUCKING SHAME is triggered in me ALL  the fucking time.  And hello - I'm not doing anything like that guy in the movie.  Although whoever lives upstairs is and I wouldn't mind at least a piece of that.  Alright so just now I was walking the dog (WHICH IS SO BLISSFUL HERE!!!)  It's so crazy.  So I'm walking the dog and thinking about how much shame I felt at that house all the time and how - okay - right - I've said all this before.  I tried to not beat myself up for hating Creepy and Princess Turd and the reality is they are enraging people.  HOWEVER I also have to realized that I am triggered to feel shame - I was free to go and not live there at any point and I don't actually think Creepy wanted me to feel shame.  I mean I don't think he wanted me to feel or be my own person or WHO THE FUCK knows.  However I am not living there anymore.  On the subway ride home tonight I was like "I never have to go back there EVER again.  Ever."  How fucking AMAZING is that?  I tried to watch this Ryan Gosling movie where he's a drug addict and I couldn't even finish watching it.  It was so hard to see someone in that cycle of pain.  Did I write that already?  I am ready to move past my rage about the house.  Only it's not happening.  I'm so mad I have to go through this to get past it.  Oh - duh - I have ways to help take care of this.  Great - I'm going to do that right now.  Bye Bluebie!!  I love you.