Here it is.

This whole time I have been getting sober and especially lately I have been thinking - where the fuck is the freedom and joy?  After this week I realized the freedom will come from me not having the same thought patterns I have had for so long.  I don't have to think the way I have been.  Lord I am at this moment so tired and I don't either want to be specific or feel like I can't.  I can tell you this - I woke up annoyed and I thought "When was the last time I woke up happy?  Or positive even?"  Then I thought about my conversation with my sister yesterday and my heart lightened up - it really did.  I felt love and light and - just love.  Love for her - love for having someone in my life like that - sister or not.  So I went to work last night and apologized to as many people as I could and was nice all night - even sort of nice to the creepy man.  One door guy asked me if I was on ecstasy and then he kept saying in this really Brooklyn accent "Therapy is really working!!!!"  I also thought on my way home "Yup - sometimes I'm a dick - sometimes I get angry and I'm a turd.  That's right - I'm a human being and I'm working out GENERATIONS of rage and drunkenness."  I didn't actually think that last line but it is quite poetic and PASSIONATE.  And I believe it anyway.  So - so there you go.  Somehow this week despite how awful it was I feel like I untangled a big part of the tangle.  I'm shaking - I need to walk the dog and eat something.  Orange you glad I didn't say banana?  Bye Bluebie!!!!