Drive.

Holy fuck - this movie is amazing - to me.  The whole feeling it gave me - the tone.  Just so - intense yet still.  Look - it's a really violent movie but somehow it reminded me of what love really is.  It reminded me so much of my first love and how intense, quiet and real it was - and ill fated.  Just - so short lived somehow but so powerful in those brief moments and years.  It's so crazy that someone so loving can also be so dangerous and living so - wrong - or seemingly.  Holy fuck.  I brought the dog to the vet today and that was actually a wonderful experience.  I'm so lucky to have this dog - I really am and she is SO sweet.  She was so good and the vet - he's hilarious - he looks like his bulldog Lola.  He is such a grump but he's always so nice to me.  He loves animals - rescue animals especially and he loves my dog.  I asked him when she was going to die so I could emotionally prepare myself.  It's so crazy but he didn't have an answer.  So anyway I love this little dog so much and I felt like a good Mom taking care of her today and I didn't resent it although I did have to get myself in check this morning about it.  I just have had such bad thinking that my default is to feel victimized by EVERYTHING.  Lunch - I can be victimized by lunch!!  So I realized after this day so far and the daily readings and meditations I'm doing - 3 things.  1. I need and want to fall in love with myself again. 2. I need to feel all my feelings to even begin to be a decent actress but that doesn't mean WALLOWING in them. 3. I deserve love and I am not a victim.  That being said I'm not sure if those are the 3 things I meant to just write but it's what I remembered and they are true anyway.  THAT being said in the movie last night there is a scene where this guy says to one guy that he is going to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life - that he will never be free - that he fucked with the wrong people and he will let him live but his life will be shity and strife with paranoia.  I'm TOTALLY paraphrasing but the point is - THAT'S HOW I HAVE FELT FOR YEARS.  Like I did something - someTHINGS so horrible that now I live in exile and misery.  Why??  Because I was an untreated alcoholic and I made bad decisions in relationships and married the wrong person and wasted my talents?  So fucking what?  I mean - what the fuck - I didn't murder a mob guy or even STEAL anything or even - insert something awful here.  I was just a mess of a person and in a lot of pain and being impulsive.  Jesus.  I wasn't morally corrupt or even wanting to be a bad person.  The vet asked me today if I met the millionaire yet who was going to take care of me and let me never work again.  I was like "Is that an option??"  And he said "Yes - you just have to sell your soul to the Devil."  And I said "I tried that already and it didn't work."  He said "Ha - you got rejected by the devil."  And it's true - I was rejected by the devil and I have been rejecting myself from the light.  Fuck that - I'm done.  I'm swimming to the surface.  What the fuck??  HOLLER!!  Bye Bluebie - I love you.