Ugh - hard days.

Something terrible happened and I just really can't write the details. I am awake and I did the right things to take care of myself yesterday and so far today. I also took good care of myself Friday and Saturday even though it was so hard to do. The cigarette smoke really bothers me. Last night while I was walking the dog out back Boris smoked out front. Then for the rest of the night he smoked under my window. IT filled my room up - you could see it. This morning it woke me up. I pray for acceptance all the time. Okay. It's just so sad for the dog too. I have to find a way to really accept it and this week I am going to get an air purifier. Yes - yes I am. Ugh - this is so strange. Life is so painful. I fell so blessed and was reminded this morning while praying and meditating how I have been graced with a second chance at life and how not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone has the opportunity to get sober. I don't even know if that's what I mean. How was it put in what I read "By the grace of God - there go I." What? I am trying so hard to make sense. I have this audition today - I really like the monologue and I have it memorized. I want to go back to bed. I'm so sad and I also - this is so awful - I don't want to deal with it. My feelings or anyone else's. I just want to lay down. I don't feel like going on this audition - what's the point? Why bother? I am going though. I already got up and did my holistic stuff for my Lyme Disease that the Snake Doctor is finally giving me - I cried when he told me how much it will help me. I prayed and meditated, fed the dog, made my bed and deleted the nasty thing I wrote on FB about the cigarette smoke. I should go spruce up my resume and get in the shower. I will let you know how it goes. The Snake Doctor said I need to get to a place of power again with the cigarette smoke. Okay - well hopefully the air purifier will help with that. Did I write that already? So confused - I feel like I wiegh 1000 pounds.