So.

What do I say? How do I write authentically? I am sad and I felt pretty sick for awhile today. Grief really hits me in the stomach. I made phone calls and I asked the owner of the store to let me not come in next Monday and Tuesday so that I can be with my family. She was so nice - eventually and said I could close the store. I realized at one point that I was completely dehydrated. I really start going nuts when I am dehydrated. Ugh - so I am not in love with that acting teacher anymore - I got over it in my sleep. Do you know what else I REALLY realized? I feel the same way around him that I feel around some other people in my life - where I feel like I don't exist a little bit. I mean - he was so great - so nice - he said he was so glad I came in and that life is short and that we have the comedy club connection - small world!! I didn't feel beautiful or hmmmm - like he really saw me. What? Also - he had me read this monologue and it was for this older woman. Um - then he said I should work on that. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? I seriously have to get myself in shape so I stop feeling old and gross. I can still be perfectly lovely and not care that I am older. He thumbed through the book for awhile before he found that one. I mean I guess it is a book of people looking back on their lives so maybe they are all older? I have the book right here why don't I read it? Why don't I ever read anything while I am here? All I do is look at boots - it's so fucking weird. It's like I won't let myself REALLY take care of myself. What did she call it the other night? "Another level of self-care." I need to go to so many other levels of self-care. I loved being in that bookstore last night so much. I love books - I love words. Why won't I let myself have that more often? It's like a flexible thing maybe? How about making it something to work towards. Another level of self-care. I'm going to go and write a gratitude list. Byeeeee.