I'm so sad - I feel so sick.

Why do these things happen? I already know the answer and I don't know why I'm asking. I just don't want to feel this way and I'm so sad. I hate not getting to say goodbye and this is way too hard to talk about with anyone. I made it through my day - I stayed on schedule and now I feel so lonely and it has been freezing all night long. I just got so mad about there being no heat on - I swore and I slammed the door and then he finally turned it on. Jesus. I don't mean it was a little cold - I mean the radiator was completely cold - NO HEAT. Then all of a sudden the water comes flowing through the radiator. I don't know how I am going to make it through work tomorrow. I have to ask her for a couple days off after Christmas otherwise I will only be able to be home for one day. Actually I will just tell her I can't be back till Wednesday. You know what? I am so glad I am writing this - that is exactly what I am going to do. Now I went on the audition and it turns out the guy auditioning me worked at the same comedy club I did and had an insane, abusive experience there also. He however feels like he is on the other side and - made something of himself. He was really cute, and vulnerable. He was also very serious but he did have a sense of humor. He asked me who I was talking to in my monologue and I said "A therapist." He said "A therapist?" Then I said "Honestly I have no idea who I am talking to." He laughed and said "Okay." It was so bad. Then I did my own written monologue and that was much better and I am going back for a second audition. He had me read out of a book and that was fantastic. He kept saying "I want to see if there is a live egg inside of you" which was making me crazy because I'm 40 and I kept thinking "There MIGHT be a live egg inside me - I'm so desperate - he is so cute - I'm so old - I have my period - dead eggs." I'm not sure if that was everything I thought but I did leave thinking he loved me and then there was the MOST beautiful YOUNG (but not TOO young) woman waiting to audition and he said - in this really manly, charming voice "Is there an Olivia here?" and she said "This is Olivia!!!" He said "This is Olivia!!!!" and then they went into the studio and fell in love while I cried hysterically in the bathroom. For serious. Holy fucking shit - what? I crushed on this guy - sort of - he wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise - then I got jealous and it was over all in about 30 minutes. Um - what? Fucking Olivia. I feel so sick. How am I going to do Christmas and get through this week? I just have to keep taking care of myself. I have to go floss. I already showered and lotioned for bed. I have clothes in the dryer. I went and bought the book he had me read out of. It is a beautiful and sad book of poetry. I'm so lonely. It has been so long since someone loved me. I honestly could not even finish typing that before I started laughing. I mean it's true but COME ON. Give me a fucking break. If I really need someone to love me and hold me I can get ANY dude to do that. Please. One day at a time - focus on the program. Breathe. Love. Pray. Meditate. Masturbate. Move. Eat healthy. Fell my feelings. Write FB comments and delete them. Everything will be okay. Barf - such painful barf.