Stayed For My Thinking.

I came for my drinking and stayed for my thinking.  That's a slogan in the program.  And I certainly have stayed for my thinking.  These last few weeks have certainly showed me that.  Last night the guy and I got into an argument.  I believe it was meant to be  a healthy discussion but that's now how it ended.  Then it went over into today and culminated in me smacking the shit out of myself.  Then he suggested I call my therapist which I did.  She asked me to stop doing that to myself and we spoke and she suggested I just spend some time alone - which I did - for the entire rest of the day and I finally started to feel a tiny bit better a little while ago.  I did some step work and I just was able to see - something.  Who knows what - I'm too fucking tired now to delve too deeply into anything or even remember what all the details are.  I just know I'm an alcoholic with negative thinking and depressive behavior.  Maybe I do remember.  Anyway - I'm better than I was years ago but for some fucking reason I am dipping back into the depression and the sadness.  I'm sure it's my father - how can it not be??  Am I supposed to be OVER it?  It's been 7 months so who cares??  No.  I don't know.  I felt like I had so much to say and that it was important to say and now I just want to watch Friends.  What the fuck am I going to do when the last episode plays?  My GOD - anything!  I could start watching Law and Order from the beginning again - that was amazing.  Watching a show before and after plastic surgery that has a lot of older actors on it is fascinating - holy shit.  Anyway I guess I still have a lot of negative thinking and maybe one day those grooves in my brain will move over and start a new path.  How do people do it?  How do I keep going?  I can't keep slapping myself but it's better than slapping someone else right?  Maybe no one should get slapped.  Maybe I need to meditate more - even though I meditate a lot.  It's okay - it's just a dip.  Bye.

Who cares?

I mean that in the good way.  This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat."  DARK - it was so dark.  Sad.  Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else.  I landed in it.  So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it.  So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already.  Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am,  I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful.  I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real.  I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess.  I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real.  It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy.  But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself.  OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT???  Right?  Jesus Fucking Christ.  So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares?  Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes?  Who cares?  I am a good person.  I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature.  And it doesn't matter.  It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter.  Who cares.  I don't care.  I do not fucking care anymore.  I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine.  I have to go.  I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!!  Oh my God I just want to go sit in it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Depression - The Other White Meat

Christ I am blue.  I just feel so fucking sad.  I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed.  Like a chemical thing.  It's okay.  I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins.  PLENTY.  I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow.  I don't know - Winter stinks that's all.  Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me.  This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello.  I am helping them yes but not with math!  Not at all - can't do it.  I'm basically a babysitter.  I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next.  Till then I can get some experience here.  I am fucking exhausted.  Jesus.  I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired.  See?  I'm depressed.  It's okay.  I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay.  It feels necessary and I'm not sure why.  I miss my mother.  I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there.  Ah - it's so sad to me.  Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings.  The worst - it's sickening.  Do you know what makes me feel better?  Friends.  I just watch Friends.  All the time.  Every night.  Sometimes during the day.  It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better.  I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough.  At all.  I need to hustle and get some shows.  Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen.  Okay - well this has been lovely no?  Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.

Well Here I Am - I Brought Me With Me

So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing.  I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation.  The first day did not go well.  It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car.  I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car.  Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved.  Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!"  Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me.  Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it.  The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable.  I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else.  How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable?  I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy.  I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions?  And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job.  I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me?  They are sweet - the parents seem very nice.  Is it a good fit?  I have no idea.  I'm so confused.  I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to.  WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME?  Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time?  CHRIST.  And still - I have no fucking energy.  I'm so fucking tired all the time.  I put myself to sleep.  I pray & meditate.  I write in my journal.  I have been exercising.  Maybe I need to dance and listen to music.  That would help.  Right?  OH BOY.  What is good?  What is positive?  I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great.  I had fun grocery shopping.  Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman.  Good God.  I have never even had a career and now I'm retired.  I need LIFE.  I need A LIFE.  I need passion and inspiration.  I NEED TO LAY DOWN.  Love you Bluebie bye.

2016.

What a year.  I'm going to say what I am grateful for and it's going to be hard.  Saying positive things is difficult for me.  I can feel my chest tighten just thinking about being positive.  It's not as hard for me to be grateful.  I am very grateful.  I guess because being grateful is going out of me and being positive about me is going in and I have trouble receiving.  One time I said to my manager at work that I was working on "receiving."  He looked at me and said "You know what?  You are fucking crazy chick you know that?"  Hahaha - oh my God.  I really thought he was going to say how impressed he was.  I am really laughing thinking about that.  Anyway.  Well I am doing good at avoiding this so far which is fun.  Wait - did I just contradict myself?  I said I want to be grateful which I can do but not be positive?  Arent they the same things?  Oh man.  WOW.  Well okay here we go.  I am so grateful I stayed sober in 2016.  It was a hard year - moving, losing my father, changing jobs 3 times, getting a new homegroup, ending a relationship with a sponsee, getting a new sponsor.  This morning I went to my women's meeting and it was so wonderful!  The anniversary meeting.  That meeting helped get me acclimated to here and start to get a sober network.  Im grateful I have a new homegroup and that I start doing service there next week.  Im grateful I learned to drive in the city this year!  I love this little town and now I have a grocery store and CVS.  What else?  The bank.  It's really for me what helps so much - knowing where these things are and being able to go to them with ease.  I love our apartment and I love living with my guy.  He's so funny and I am so grateful for that.  He laughs at me and it's the best thing in the world.  I'm even more in love with him!  Haha and I can tell theres quite a few women in our group that are too!  That's okay - its so cute.  I am really grateful my career has grown a little bit.  It's so slow but it has happened.  My family.  My friends.  My friends in sobriety and my friends spread out around the world.  Isn't life amazing?  Today I can see how lucky I am because I am in my life.  I have been given this gift of sobriety and to be able to LIVE sober.  I don't ever have to sit alone dumping booze down my throat, dry humping a radiator.  I mean I can still dry hump the radiator I guess if I WANT to and from a not shameful place.  I can do it from a place of power!  LOOK AT ME - I AM DRY HUMPING A RADIATOR AND I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Okay the guy is going to be home soon.  Gotta go get ready for 2017.  Going to clean and go for a walk and get my office a little more put together and do some writing.  Yes.  Yes!  I am grateful I am jogging.  Or whatever it is called that I do.  Today I just feel grateful and I am not kidding - for that I am grateful.  I hope I don't lose that.  It is really the keys to the Kingdom.  Did someone slip me some Molly?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

CONFIDENCE

That's what I want in 2017.  I am reading a book by Deepak Choprah - my Lord and Savior - and he says, in it, to write down everything you want.  Did I say this already?  It's called "The Fulfillment of Spontaneous Desire."  I think.  Oh my God!  What is it called?  Hold on.  YES - yes that's what its called.  Okay so I did that.  Now I am doing it more and I want some fucking confidence.  It is so fucking elusive to me.  How on earth can anyone get anywhere without it?  There are so many actors and comedians who STINK and they are SO CONFIDENT!  WOW.  I mean maybe they don't stink maybe they just stink to me.  SEE!???  I cant even just confidently say someone stinks when THEY STINK.  Ugh - okay.  Ooooookaaaay.  I have to get ready just blew my mind when I realized that.  I was going to write about how I realized we heal - how that is such a huge part of recovery and how I have forgotten that.  I think I just thought I was broken forever - you know?  But we heal.  Our feelings heal, our bodies heal - things heal.  Life heals.  UGH.  I guess my CONFIDENCE CAN HEAL!!!   Heeyaaaaa.  Bye.

If Feelings Were Made of Chocolate I Would Still Eat Them

All that dram and then we get to the farm and my mother wasn't that sick and everything was fine.  Or as fine as any holiday can ever be with a whole shitload of family.  It was so nice though and my mother was so happy we were there.  I cooked for TWO days while my sister bossed me around which was SO FUN.  Ha.  My other sister TRIED to boss me around but I gently and calmly asked her to go relax.  The food was fucking amazing THANK GOD and we had a great although super sad Christmas.  My brother made this - I don't know what you call it - a frame thing that has my father's American flag that they gave my mother at his funeral and all his medals and whatever those things are called that he wore on his uniform.. And a picture of him SO YOUNG in his first uniform from the service!  Holy shit it made my mother cry and you know it's hard to imagine - she's not a huge crier.  I cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  She cries but she - she keeps it together.  Man - she is one strong lady.  She is truly a woman of grace and dignity.  I don't even know how she does it.  Its pretty fucking inspiring.  I was rubbing the roast for dinner last night with this garlic pepper rub that I made and she asked me how it was going.  I said "It's pretty fucking disgusting but I'm doing it!"  She was like "Oh - you really have a poetic way of putting things."  Haha - maybe I should try to not curse so fucking much in 2017.  I can't help it - I just love it.  It really punches up a conversation and TRULY gets a point across.  For me - for me.  So anyway - yeah.  Okay the guy is going to be back soon.  Get to spend a late afternoon with him.  He was such wonderful company over the holiday.  He's a woman of grace and dignity too.  Unreal.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.  Oh!  ps - I ate my feelings all weekend and then I felt sick.  It looks like I am going to go ahead and have to learn how to just FEEL THEM.  Maybe.  Maybe.