Corona Vacation?

I guess that's what's happening even though I am home a lot anyway.  So the World is closed basically and I am home now & have been home for daaaays.  I have been going outside to exercise but that's it.  I couldn't sleep last night so I am tired today.  I am also still fighting a cold of some sort although yesterday I felt much better.  It's snowing today so I don't know if that's what's going on?  All the flowers have started to bloom so it's really weird that it snowed although I think it normally would snow again this time of year.  ANYWAY.  I am working my alanon program and it is difficult.  I will tell you why and I know - I know that you don't WANT to know but I will tell you anyway.  SO.  So I am taking care fo myself which mean I am trying so very hard not to take care of other people's feelings.  This is much easier with people whom I have I have not ESTABLISHED this relationship with.  So - UGH - I am having a hard time because people don't like it when you don't do what you always did and the problem is that they get aggressive and unkind and then I FEEL like I am doing something wrong even though I am just creating boundaries. BUT - well a couple time I have probably done things in not such a kind way so I guess really I am having a hard time because it's SO HARD to be kind when you want someone to (figuratively) get off your foot!  But okay so it I none of my business how someone else is reacting and that's where it gets tricky because I have always made that my business.  So this is some super subtle unbraiding of myself from other people's stuff and minding my own GODDAM emotional business.  Why is it so hard to be kind?  I mean Jesus - it feels terrible to be unkind but it feels almost impossible to be kind.  Is it really as simple as - if I am kind to myself and coming from a place of kindness then it is much, much easier to be kind to others?  And just let them be and take care of themselves?  I have no control over anyone else anyway.  This is giving me a headache.  I hope that you are well and taking care of yourself.  I hope that I am well and taking care of myself!  I am certainly trying to...love you Bluebers big hug from a nice safe 6 feet apart.

Well...

I am so tired.  This has been, and is terrifying.  I am feeling particularly nervous because I went through cancer treatment and well - even though they say I am okay now I just know my poor little body is still healing and I am just terrified to get sick again.  But also - everyone is losing their minds and it feels awful.  I don't think for 2 seconds that they shouldn't be losing their minds - it's just flipping me out.  The empathy stuff.  Anyway - I think it is fair to say that there are people struggling with far worse than this.  I don't want to diminish my fears but I also know that I am okay and I have been taking very good care of myself so thank God for that.  Literally all the meetings are closing down but people are starting all sorts of online meetings and forums so thank God for the internet and social media - it's going to save all us alocholics and alanonics.  I am praying for all of us - I am trying to stay in the light and love.  I am also so grateful I had a head's up about all of this so I could prepare - even though I did not prepare for the emotion component.  Lord - I mean well - I don't know - I also didn't think literally EVERYTHING would shut down.  The rest of March is basically cancelled everywhere.  ALL THINGS.  You probably know this.  Okay I actually have some work to do.....and I don't know.  I keep focusing on my breath and then my shoulders drop.  It's a tense, tense time.  It's reminding me of 9/11 which is - heart breaking to say the least.  But it isn't 9/11 and hopefully it will be more okay than not.  Love you Bluebie.

The Virus

Well I am sure you know about the virus....and I really - I don't know!  Should I be scared?  That has never helped me with one single thing really.  But - um - it's scary right?  Well - I don't know - I am trying to breathe and relax and it's tricky because there is some intense energy out there - I can feel it.  People are freaking the fuck out.  Shelves are bare in the grocery store - but it's like the weirdest stuff that's gone.  The huge bags of flour?  What - are people like - THERE'S A VIRUS!!  WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE CAKES AND BREAD OUR CHICKEN!!  Haha that made me laugh.  Maybe I am just jealous because I can't eat that much of that stuff anymore.  God - I never could.  Anyway it's new world and now there's a darn virus that's making people freak out and I need to stay calm.  I want to stay calm! I also want pancakes!  Love you Bluebie byeeee

He Has A Cat & How It Changed Everything

I went outside the other day to affix a new label to our mailbox and it was fairly early in the day...as I walked back to the front door I noticed a cat in the yard below.  This big, fat light orange tabby who was sort of digging in the dirt (he/she was lying down) with its paws and making itself more comfortable.  Sort of shifting around lazily enjoying the outside and sunshine.  I thought at first maybe it was a stray and so I said hi.  It ignored me.  Then I said hi again and I don't know I realized the cat was domesticated and didn't give one flying fuck about me (ha!).  Then I realized that it looked like the cat was in that spot often as the ground is sort of worn out there and then I realized it's where the man downstairs sits every morning and smokes.  THEN  I REALIZED IT'S HIS CAT.  He has a cat!  A big, fat light orange, not giving a fuck cat!  Who also looks really sweet by the way.  Anyway my heart just suddenly shifted for this man - but also I wasn't totally sure if it was his cat so I told my guy about it (we aren't supposed to have pets here) and he said "Oh yeah he must have a cat - I have seen him with kitty litter."  Haha.  Anyway so this guy smokes every morning and it drives me fucking nuts!  I hate the smell and I get so scared because I had cancer.  Plus I'm an addict and I just - I don't know - I think I am afraid I will smoke again also.  But for some reason seeing that cat - that happy, lazy cat sitting by him - just shifted my heart and now - AND NOW - his smoking isn't bothering me as much!  He is such a quiet man and he doesn't say hello and I don't know - I just - my heart melted for him and that fucking fat cat.  I mean the cat is FAT.  Anyway - then a couple days later I saw him get out of his car with kitty liter and cat food and all was confirmed.  HE HAS A CAT.  Go figure.  Life is weird.  Something inside me is also healing about my self-worth around other people.  This new family I work for is helping with that somehow....I am the one who decides how I feel about myself - no matter what you say or do.  I mean that is what I am realizing and I am not sure why all of a sudden.  They are very, very nice people and they are very good to me...but they are in a different socio-economic status and I guess in the past I let that determine in some way how I felt about myself - but that's changing.  Holy fuck I woke up at 5:30 and it's only 9:15 and I am exhausted already.  HA. So much to do today but it's sunny and I am ready to take it nice & slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.

45th Time Is The Charm!

Some people learn their lessons after 1,2 or maybe 3 experiences.  I like to do things at least 30-45 times before I learn them.  So yay!  I think last night was the 45th time so hopefully I learned my lesson!  Holy mother-fucking mother of GOD.  I am not going to write about it because I already talked about it - A LOT and then jogged about it & ate 2 meals about it.  No more!  That's it!  But that's also not how it works right?  It's got to be gentle.  Easy.  On the ground.  Ah - I get it.  Ugh.  So uncomfortable.  I only have control over me and I have to be brave now and ask questions.  A lot of questions and some of those questions are to me!  What am I agreeing to - really?  If I'm not asking the questions I am forcing my hand because I ask a lot of questions because I know - that there are a lot of questions to be answered.  This probably sounds nuts but it isn't.  It really isn't.  Well it's a new day and that's the great part.  It's sunny and I got out there and exercised and that's an even better part!  One more show tonight and then my weekend is done.  Love, let the shoulders drop and breathe.  Yes.  Breathe in and out.  Shower!  Put on clean underwears! Add some eyeliner!  Be in and enjoy this day!  That's all I got but it's lot.  BYEEEeeeeeee.

Passively Aggressively Controlling Other People Is Exhausting

Hellooooooo.  I am so so so, so so tired.  I am taking such better care of myself so it's not like in the old days tired - or even before I knew I had cancer - that tired.  Ooo - that tired was not good.  Okay so this tired is because on some level I am still trying to figure other people out and somehow control other people's thoughts and feelings -mostly.  Wait what?  Yes -that's it.  Alanon.  It's that recovery.  Who wants to hear about this stuff?  Yeesh - it's really like eating raw broccoli.  My father used to say yeesh.  Ha!  who actually says that?  So funny.  He would say it all sort of under his breath and it had such a  weighty sarcasm to it.  "Yeeesh."  ANYWAY - well I just pooped so honestly I feel A LOT less tired.  I mean I didn't poop while I was typing this - I got up and went into the bathroom.  LIKE A LADY.  I have to do a lot of driving tonight for a show but I am happy to do it.  I have been busy doing stuff so I feel really grateful.  On a VERY exciting note I discovered a cereal that is SO GOOD and healthy and it's everything I have ever wanted in a snack.  I am so worried about this stupid corona virus that I ordered 4 bags of it to make sure I have enough food in case we can't leave the house.  I was so embarrassed when the guy delivered it today because I realized that I was in a panic probably for no reason and who gets 4 BAGS of cereal who doesn't even have kids?  Anyway I am freezing and I need to get ready for tonight.  Drop those shoulders and breathe.  Go slow.  Drink water.  Just calmly and slowly mover forward.  Stay in yourself.  Be kind.  Do things as cleanly as possible.  Be even more kind.  How it possible that these things are so hard to do?  It will get easier - it will.  Love you Blubie!

Taking Care of Yourself As A Stupid People-Pleaser

What I am learning is SO CRAZY about being a dumb people-pleaser because I am not really a people-pleaser if after I people please I am ENRAGED.  Or worse - are you ready?  Depleted.  DEPLETED.  How fucking gross is that?  I would die if someone was like (and they probably have been) "Oh yes last night was nice, we had dinner, went to the park and afterwards I felt completed depleted and devoid of nourishment.  I was just SUCKED DRY! But I didn't say anything or leave - I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  But yeah!  Was really nice except how horrendous I feel today." Okay I don't know if anyone has ever said something like that about me - but maybe?  OMG - I don't want to beat myself up.  No need and I can't change anything until I realize it and even if I realized it before I really realize it now.  Ready for Part 2?

(I probably said this before BUT) Part 2:

I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY INNER SHIP.

Okay so everyone is right?  But I didn't know that!  It has always been so fucking confusing to me.  It's this empathy stuff too...am I feeling your feelings, my feelings or that man's feelings at that table over there? And what do I need to do?  This is exhausting me writing this.  In all of this is freedom - I know that.  Freedom and a shift in responsibility - to me and my inner ship.  My thoughts.  My FUCKING DANCE SPACE.  Why am I so worked up?  I will tell you why.

Reason #1 - I am tired.

Reason #2 - I went to the radiologist for my check-up and she talked to me a lot about that stupid pill and it upset me.  At first it upset me because as she was talking to (at) me about it I was doing this thing...Shaking my head up and down, intensely listening, giving her amazing eye contact - assuring her I was present and listening.  MEANWHILE - I only went to her because she has been one of  the only doctor's that hasn't given me a hard time for not taking this pill.  So I was (GROSS) people-pleasing and I didn't even want to hear ANTYTHING she had to say.  So I stopped myself mid people-pleasing.  Shifted my eyes away and got my inner life in check and stopped "taking care of her" and just listened.  Let my shoulders drop.  She doesn't need me to take care of her.  And I will tell you what else - it's hilarious to think I COULD take care of her.  I said I went and got a second opinion and that that doctor also said I should take the pill and do you know what my radiologist said?  She said (and I quote) "I don't need her to tell me you should take the pill - I am a radiologist oncologist - I know you should take the pill."  OKAY.  I am pretty sure she doesn't need me to worry about her FEELINGS.  Or her ego - what.

Then after all that and her lecturing me (nicely) for 15 minutes she said I could make whatever decision I wanted and she would stand behind me.  So that's good right?  Very confusing and felt somewhat manipulative but also not.  Anyway I went for my check-up and I will continue to take care of myself.  It's sitting with my own feelings, sitting with my own stuff...making my own decisions and just accepting I can't please everyone or even anyone.  I am really realizing also that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do.  People act however they want to and if they want to be happy they are, if they want to be miserable they are.  They man their ships and I man mine.  I have just been mis-using my energy all these years.  My energy, my money and my food.  Just throwing my energy out the window and my money!  And then just never ever nourishing myself correctly.  I finally got an app and I am able to record all my food and see what nutrients I am and am not getting.  It's blowing my fucking mind.  I just have to record EVERYTHING and then I can manage it.  But how do I record interacting with people?  But really - there is only so much I can give - only so much I have.  Just like everyone.  I had no clue.  I was giving out way more than I should and then also just taking on SO MUCH of people's shit - for FREE.  But that's my fault but also I didn't realize that's what I was doing.  ISNT THIS FUN?//


Okay byeeeeeeee.