Love my rage?

I think I want to do that. Love my rage. Why the mother fucking fuck why  not? I have so much of it - why not love it? It's not going anywhere and I am so done being upset about myself over it. I have it and I am going to leaaaaaan into that shit!! Seriously. Is it the last frontier? Maybe? How boring would that be? Maybe not - who knows. I'm flipping and reversing this shit now. Man I'm starving. I'm back to work after being sick for 6 days! Holy fuck - I was so sick and out of it.i stayed home for more days than I have stayed home in years. Yeaaaars.. it was great. Sunny apartment, cozy blankets, laundry - food! Coffee, teas and baths - it was awesome. Anyway love you bye.

Day 2413 - Can't Talk.

LARYNGITIS.  No talking for me.  Ugh Im so sad - why is this right now?  Why is my throat broken right now?   Why am I so sad?  I don't know - its not even a big deal.  I called out of work - no problem and I needed to sleep and rest.  I had another epically long day yesterday and I did 2 shows last night - hosted the late one and had no voice during the whole thing.  I can only whisper today - its a mess.  Oh Im just upset and emotional and I got my period today and you know what?  That's it - Im tired, Im emotional - Im sick and that's it.  Who cares and why do I have to beat myself up about it?  Im going to have to cancel tomorrow also probably and you know what?  Its FINE.  IT HAPPENS.  Oh my God - you know I missed something this weekend - I chose to stay here with my guy in my town (my new town instead of going into the city) and we went to meetings and I took care of myself.  Well so the thing I missed turned out to be AWESOME and of course I got mad (in my head) and blamed the guy.  But why?  WHY?  I chose to do that.  Can you imagine how sick I would be today if I had done that too?  But that's not even the point the point is I realized while I was blaming this beautiful man for my life - I realized - where am I ever going to get if I keep blaming everyone?  UGH - this is so EXHAUSTING - I feel like Im beating myself up but Im just trying to get my fucking power back and to be grateful for my guy and my life with him instead of BLAMING him for everything annoying that happens.  Omg - Im a mess.  Ugh - bye.

Home today! Had sex! It's sunny! Life is okay!

This week has been insane but I made it through.  Good lord.  One of the other waitresses freaked out on me and I will tell you what - it was the day after I had that insanely busy day (I got 5 hours of sleep) and it really made me want to pick up - it was at the end of a VERY long day where I was a MESS.  But somehow this is what I did.  I went to a meeting, went to therapy, and then asked the guy to leave me alone (nicely - I asked nicely) when I came home so I could calm down and then the next day everything shifted.  I also went to therapy again.  So I did not pick up thank BLOG and I am now here in my apartment and it's sunny and I got to have sex and sleep a full night's sleep and run some errands.  I can hear the birds chirping and we have a hot date planned for tonight.  Haha we are going to an alanon meeting and to dinner.  But it's awesome and he was so sweet about me needing time alone.  Who knew - who fucking KNEW you (by you I mean me) could aks someone for some space and they would happily give it.  Because it's what's best for me and therefore us.  Also with the other waitress - I just have left it alone.  Space.  Juuuuust space - and that also is something I never knew to do - walk away.  So bizarre.  Anyway - I gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

omg so busy

I'm on the 1:00 am train back home - just hosted a show.  I met with a trainer today, met my scene partner, had class, ran and did a podcast, went to a meeting and then hosted the show. I've been crazy the last 2 weeks because I've been working at both jobs but now I'm just at the waitress job. No more Cunty Buns. Aw and ahhhh what a relief. Man I've been working my ass off. Class is weird - it's hard being new. Also I'm not sure - we'll I was going to say I'm not sure how well I'm working but that's not true - I'm doing good work - today was just weird. Ah - it happens - with everyone. The show tonight was super fun - Jesus right when I was deciding I don't need to do comedy anymore - that I just  need to act. Anyway - we'll  exhausted. But sooooo glad to be back at the restaurant. I have to rest - love you Blueberry byeee.

Smell ya later Cunty Buns

I went back to the restaurant and got my job back. Trained Friday, worked yesterday and now I'm here working with Cunty Buns but I gave my notice yesterday. Can you imagine how sucks of a person you have to be to drive someone back to waitressing? Ugh. Anyway I'm going to be exhausted the next few weeks while the jobs overlap. She was a total bitch when I came in this morning - then asked me if I found a job that "suited me more." Haha what a bitch. I said " yes I did" very politely. Then SHE said "that's AWESOME CONGRATS." And I went outside and haven't had any conversation with her since. Except for helping people questions. She asked me what I got for lunch and I just said I grabbed something. Freeing myself from relating to her is the nicest thing I have ever done for myself - what a relief. She's all jacked up on something right now - her energy is all over the place. Anyway who cares I'm out of here thank God. Ah sigh. Started my new day class and it's awesome although I know no one.  Anyway it's much later now - I'm on the train on the way home. I'm sad and I have a cold. I hate how much I hate that woman but right now at this very moment I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to radically embrace hating her because she's hateful. She's aggressive dominant manipulative arrogant unkind not funny rude and has no sense of emotional, physical and personal boundaries.  So this combination of things makes one hateful. Oh and she's fucking lazy. Haha what a fucking turd. She's a giant fucking piece of shit. Wow I'm angry. I'm going to commit to my anger right now.  And have compassion for myself. And I'm going to go home and eat ice cream. Bye. Love.

lighten up

I'm on the train and it's time to lighten the fuck up.  Not because I'm on the train - it just so happens I'm on the train AND it's time for me to lighten up. And the guy. Time for me to let go of the grip I have on my poor little heart and brain. Lighten up! It doesn't matter. Nothing matters except me being nice to myself and to the guy,  and taking care of myself and the guy. At the same time I have also realized that I just need ugh want ugh - how do I say this? Commit. I just need to fully commit to the craft. Acting? Comedy? Both of them? Being an artist. Just let myself commit. I'm all I and I will figure it out as I go. I mean - it's the only way I learn - by doing. I have to fuck up a bunch of times and then I learn. That's it! Do you know what i did tonight? Went to a show, to do a show...got there and I stead of 8:30 the hostel said 9:30 show. I left, went and got tacos, came back for the 9:30 show. Found out when I got into the show - wrong hostel. Who knew there were 2 fucking hostels in the same area?? Well not me but now I know. So I was an hour and 15 mins late to the show. But it was okay - I got to go right on and it was fun.  Can I do it? Can I be all in? What the fuck else am I doing and I love it. I looove it so why don't I just give it to myself. Give myself the gift of commitment. What? Good lord. K bye.

Day off.

I took the day off today.  I went to a morning meeting and it has been a good day.  I worked on organizing my office.....made myself bacon and eggs.  Delicious, delicious bacon and eggs.  YUM.  Even without the cheese and bread - bacon and eggs is fucking delicious!  I also looked for another job.....got some ideas for other work....and the guy and I are being much nicer to each other, much kinder.  It will be okay.  It's so glorious to be home!  This apartment is so sunny - all day long - so it's so nice to be here.  I just needed some quiet and calm.  To just iron myself out a little bit.  Ah - what the heck is going to happen?  where am I going?  What do I want?  Do I want anything?  Or do I just want quiet and calm?  I had my acting class last night.  I'm so in love with that work - it thrills me every time the lights go down - before the actors say they are ready.  I just fucking love it.  I always LOOK different after a great class - or even one I'm just super absorbed in - so basically almost every class.  Maybe I just don't want to do comedy anymore.  No that doesn't feel right.  AGH.  I have no idea.  Im just going to keep taking care of myself and listen deeply and see what I can decide.  Decide?  See what feels right.  The picture will become clearer.  I just need to take care of myself.  Bacon and eggs!!  Bacooooon and EGGGGSSS.  Love you Bluebie bye.