I give up.

I can't afford my class this month.  Which is okay - I fucked up with my money and now I'm learning a lesson but sitting here for 8 hours 3 days in a row with nothing to do is making me crazy and I don't know what I'm doing here.  I am going crazy.  I should change the window.  I - I don't know.  I might go back to school - art therapy.  I just can't get my passion back for the performing.  Nothing is really coming through me.  I tried to write a play about my ex-husband and I and the band and it made me so upset - sososooso upset.  I did think I should start a writing group.  I just give up.  I'm 41.  Oh dear - so WHAT?  I'm going to write in my journal and figure out some money stuff and figure out how I can possible take better care of myself and my art.  I got here late today because I REFUSED to get out of bed and I HAD to shower and walk the dog.  The mice/rats woke me up so many times last night.  They were just running and laughing from the kitchen to the bedroom.  Really - they were having a blast.  I set a trap and haveahart traps and they are not working.  I'm going to have to ask the super.  Oh well - I give up.  I have managed to take baths at night and do a little bit of yoga and that is helping my body.  I guess.  I'm so lonely.  I joined Plenty of Fish and it is a holy nightmare.  One drag queen asked if I wanted her to draw me.  I guess it was a guy with a picture of a drag queen.  I give up.  Bye Bluebers.

Sleeping.......

I want to go to sleep so badly right now.  I have been so sleepy the last few days.  I suppose part of it is because I am so slow here and part because....I'm tired?  Ever since I read the Happiness Project I am so much better about sleeping.  I mean - I actually try to get to sleep.  Last year at this time I was still watching shows until 3 in the morning and then getting up and coming here.  That I am not doing anymore.  I get into bed so much earlier but it's still not enough and more than that I just can't stand not being clean and ready anymore.  The discomfort of not being well groomed is awful and I just can't stand it and I have to figure out how to wake the fuck up.  I get my best sleep when it's time to get out of bed.  The bed becomes this glorious, comfortable golden love nest for one.  The sheets turn into liquid heaven I swear.  Yeesh.  Okay - so at least I WANT to wake up - that's a start.  I want to get to bed earlier - another start.  It's self-care and being a grown-up.  Holy fuck my mouse is a rat.  I saw it last night.  It was darting back and forth in the kitchen.  It did sound really loud to be  mouse but I was hoping it wasn't a rat.  I put out haveahart mouse traps and it ate the fucking food out of it and left it.  So the trap was closed this morning and I was all excited and then I realized - no - no rat could fit in there.  I really tried to lie to myself last night when I saw it.....I was like "Oh - ohhh there's the mouse!!!  Wow - that was a really long, big mouse!!"  Um - what?  Gross.  SO FUCKING GROSS!!  Still better than living at Creepy's.  When I bought the Haveahart trap the guy at the store said it was nice that I wanted to let the mouse go in the park and it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was like "Oh - I can't even cook meat in my kitchen so I definitely can't kill it in my kitchen."  Oh my God - really?   Haha - what a dork.  Now I have to go back and buy a fucking haveahart rat trap.  It's 12:22 and I already wrote in my journal, wrote on here - did some exercises and stretching, had breakfast and pooped twice.  This is a long day.  Byeeeeee Bluebie!!!!! 

Fuck me bored.

Fuck me tenderly, fuck me bored.  I'm bored.  It's gray and drizzily and coooold.  Why is it that sometimes this can be the most romantic weather in the world?  Ugh - right now it sucks balls.  I just want to go back to bed.  I mean - what the heck?  Okay - I was about to talk myself out of this  but I'm too apathetic right now.  I cleaned last night and I did laundry yesterday, jogged, ran in the park, went to therapy and got sung to by some crazy guy on the street.  He asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint.  He was actually cute but he was fucking playing a guitar and following me down the street.  HE asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to therapy and he asked if I wanted to meet after to go dancing.  HE had fucking BELLS on his ankle.  Do you know that there was a time in my life where I would have felt so MAGICAL having some stranger sing to me on the street with bells on his ankles??  I actually went to therapy and asked my therapist if I should have met him afterwards.  She cleared her throat and was like - well - um - he might not be the most stable choice?  Do you know the craziest part?  He had nice thumbs and nice brown eyes.  Weird shoes.  AND BELLS on his ankle.  Christ.  He said he was going to Bleeker street "To get his vest!"  He had an accent - some - I don't know - who cares.  I started to read Emotional Intelligence - I hope it offsets that fucking horrible book "Drama of the Gifted Child."  I fucking threw that book out after I was done with it.  I don't think I have ever thrown a book out.  Creepy gave it to me.  I thought I never finished it because I was drunk but I just didn't like it.  OH WELL - it's gone now.  I threw out a shit load of VHS tapes of me performing years ago.  It felt great.  Fuck it.  It cleaned out an entire shelf in my bookcase.  My friend told me she cleans her floors every other day.  So my efforts are now going to be focused on cleaning ALL the time.  So that's why I did laundry yesterday - so I'm doing it once a week instead of every other week.  I vacuumed last night and wiped down the bathroom and I cleaned the kitchen after I did the dishes.  I cooked myself angel hair pasta with garlic, olive oil, fresh mozzarella and baby spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I tried to roast garlic in the oven but it tasted terrible for some reason.  I'm going to research why.  Okay - it feels great to write on here.  Maybe my character needs to go through a  transformation.  I mean - my other blog I never write on - my character - she needs to change - to grow.  I know this doesn't make sense.  Okay - I am going to be nice to myself all day.  This is soooooo quiet and boring!!!  Oh - I have a book to read!!  Yay.  I can also go in the dressing room and meditate.  Bye Bluebers!!

Such a great weekend.....

my friend came it was so wonderful - such a gift.  The show on Friday night was at this cute theater on this adorable block and then we went to this amazing little wine and cheese bar and I ate so much cheese.  So much cheese.  I worked 2 different jobs and today we went to this cozy little diner and my life is so much more ABUNDANT now.  I mean - I DO things.  I get out of bed and I can take a shower first before I leave the house.  Right now I am so sleepy but I have highlights in my hair and I have to rinse them out first.  I used the oven for the first time tonight.  It works - it's a scary oven but it works.  Well!  Holy fuck - it's powerful.  There is a muffin pan in the oven.  It had 2 cookie sheets, cookie drying racks and a muffin pan.  I'm going to make muffins.  And - I don't know - other things you bake in the oven!!  I'm so excited!  It was such a nice weekend - well today was rainy but i still liked it.  What am I going to do about this job situation?  I mean with the comedy club?  I have so out grown it - I still need the money.  I need to just get another job but but but.  I love my friend so much.  She was so inspiring to me this weekend.  What a blessing in my life.  The air mattress was a big hit and my new floor model couch.  I'm so tired right now.  I spent a lot of time in Barnes and Noble today.  I absolutely love being surrounded by books.  It is glorious.  I have to wash this stuff out of my hair.  I love you Blueberry.  So much.

Whoaaaaaa......

oh my GOD - I just read some posts from last year and WOW - wowowowowowow - so much has changed.  I was SO crazy and angry.  I feel like I am getting a different view on this whole day.  I'm not nearly as bitter and - ew - just a mess.  Oh it's so sad - I was so awful.  Okay but I am better.  I guess if my biggest problem right now is that I have a n unwanted pet mouse and that I'm not sure how to navigate my weekend well things are not that bad.  Whoa.  And things will keep getting better.  I will keep feeling my feelings and taking care of myself and it will get better.  I am so grateful that I have moved and that I still have this job.  I have class tonight and I have wonderful, hard working people in my life.  WOW - helloooo attitude adjustment.  I just have to keep working on turning my rage into love and on taking the time to be uncomfortable and to keep taking care of myself and going to alanon meetings.  Um - FOR REAL.  Ahhhhhhh - I need some water.  Love you Bluebs - still and always.  As a side not eI have been attracted to amongst many - one guy and I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize and I answered and this hot voice was like "My name" and I said "Yes??"  and then I started to PANIC.  "Oh no - he got my number - he wants something - how will I say no - I'm not into this - this is insane!!!"  Right?  The this guy(who is totally gay and not this guy at all) asked me to work on Friday.  I was like - ohhhhh - ohhhhhh - you aren't in love with me???  He was like - nooooo.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Bye.

I'M HAVINGA LOT OF FEELINGS!!

Ugh - how totally not fun is that?  I'm so fucking uncomfortable.  It's raining.  I worked so hard at putting this apartment together and why am I so upset about it?  It looks so much better - FEELS so much better.  The cutest woman just came in here - she stops in now and again - she's older - in her 70's - white blond hair - super sweet and kind.  She always buys things and she has fabulous taste.  Last time she bought a scarf for a friend and I steamed it for her.  Adorable woman.  She has this kind of southernish voice with a little bit of a rasp to it.  She just bought the prettiest earrings and looked at this gorgeous Indian necklace we have that's rubies, diamonds, pearls and emeralds.  She had a scarf over her head to keep her hair safe from the rain I guess.  I guess I just don't like to much pressure.  How do I want to have boundaries and structure in my life but yet I don't like deadlines?  What?  I'm just tired.  I had the weirdest dream about my parents farm last night.  Every now and again I dream about it.  I was all the way at the end of one field - all the way so the house looked small and I was in a car.  It was so beautiful that it made me cry.  So much green and loveliness - my mother said - oh you get such a different perspective from here don't you?  I have to go and research how to get rid of my pet mouse.  The little fucker ate through my bag of organic potting soil.  I thought we could live together but we can NOT.  So - so I asked it to leave but that didn't work so now I have to actually get it to leave.  this feels very passive aggressive.  I feel better writing.  Okay Bluebers - love you. 

I threw out the kitchen table

I got when I was married and that I have been using as a desk for 6 years.  I smoked so much pot and did coke with my ex-husband (to try and save the marriage - I don't even LIKE coke - at ALL) and wrote and watched movies, and TV shows on, and - LORD - what a relief.  I'm using this beautiful antique desk my cousin is letting me use - it has flaps so it fits better in the apartment now that I have A COUCH.  A fucking couch.  I own a couch.  It has been a fantasy for YEARS to have my own couch and now I do.  It's purple and it's a love seat and I think I love it.  I'm not sure.  I haven't been able to sit on it since it got here.  It's a floor sample and the bottom is ripped but it's just a piece of material - the couch itself is fine.  When I got my ukulele I couldn't use it for days - it freaked me out so much.  Okay - I should just sit on it.  I did yesterday and I loved it.  Okay - I just sat on it and it was heaven.  Total heaven - amazing.  I took my whole computer apart yesterday in order to get rid of the other table, cleaned it - put it back together, moved the bookshelf to my bedroom and bought this couch.  I took the kitchen table apart and put the nuts and bolts in a bag and brought all of it down to the street and someone took it.  It felt like I shaved my head (not that I have ever done that) after I came back up here.  I got rid of a piece of sadness by doing that for myself and I hope that table brings someone else a lot of happiness.  It's really cute but huge and just one big piece.  Why am I trying to justify it?  I did the right thing and now  have a little living room where I can actually have someone sit down.  Fun.  Time to do laundry and clean and grocery shop.  THAT'S FUCKING ALL!!  I just went for a walk/jog/sprint in the park.  Fucking glorious.  Moving here is like being let out of prison.  Even with the cockroach and the mouse - I think I have a mouse - it's total fucking heaven.  So what - so I have a dog, a cockroach and a mouse?  I also have FREEDOM.  And a bathtub and a little kitchen and A FUCKING couch that no one is having prostitute sex on.  Yet!  Ehhh-ohhhh.  Gross.  Bye Bluebs - I love you.