Dick start to my day but it has gotten better.

I woke up annoyed and got grumpier when I couldn't find the sleeve for my phone and I was SO pissed and was blaming my friend for it going missing.....which is ridiculous - she wasn't even around.  I have misplaced this thing SO many times and places and I thought for sure this time it was gone.  I couldn't find it in the apartment and I finally decided to just walk the dog - look for it while I walked her - which is where I was sure I lost it last night and then I walked myself.  Then I found it after I walked - and sprinted in the park.  I found it right where I thought it probably was after I calmed down from walking.  Jesus.  I prayed while I was walking - and SPRINTING!!!  How fun is that?  I keep doing my running behind this fence because I don't want anyo0ne to see me and I have on a skirt and I feel dumb and today there was this black guy sitting on a bench behind the fence.  It was so awkward.  I was walking and then twice when I got to him I started sprinting.  I was like - oh this so seems so odd - like I'm afraid of this guy behind the fence so I run till I'm far enough past him.  Anyway - it was awesome.  I was being so nasty to people - I didn't have any coffee and I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet but I really needed to get out of the house and walk.  This one hard core dyke - while I was walking the dog - she was like - in this Russian accent "She can't see you??  She can't see you?  She can't hear - see you?"  Meanwhile I had already walked past her and so she's yelling this to my back.  Plus that accent is so confusing - even when they are being nice it sounds like they are being mean.  So I tried talking to her and  her and her dog are standing in the same way - exactly - legs spread really far apart and hips low - and she was smiling with really bad teeth and I was so confused.  So I was answering her but annoyed and then she's like "Yeah - she's a sweetheart."  Ugh - so I said thanks your dog is cute too and then kicked my dog by mistake while I was trying to get away from her.  Oh dear.  Dick start but I went and got groceries - found the sleeve of my phone and now I can do laundry.  BYE BLUEBS.

Blogging life.....

I'm writing here before I write in my journal in the hopes of being more authentic.  Why more authentic - how about just authentic?  I saw the cutest guy at work last night and he said hi and I turned beet red.  Isn't that fun?  I'm serious too - it was ridiculous but it was fun.  I certainly do not lack in attraction to men.  So even though I'm not with one - at least I know I like them - a lot - and a lot of them.  I feel a llittle exhausted today - work was so busy and so hot last night.  But it was better - much better.  I am reading Writing Down The Bones and I feel like it's inspiring me.  Oh dear - this feels authentic but boring.  Oh well - I suppose a healthy life is boring sometimes - hopefully.  I'm having coffee, my sponsor called me and sounded okay - so I will call her later.  Did I say on here how we got into a - I don't now what you would call it.  A tiff?  Who cares - I did what I never do which is let it go for a couple of days.  Who knew that that is the right thing to do sometimes.  Not in a fuck you kind of way either - just in a "This is only going to be explosive so let's let it go until some of the fire goes out of it."  Fire isn't the right word - the negative energy?  The combative energy.  There we go.  Jesus.  Gotta gooooo Bluebs - my computer isn't working well right now - this is super frustrating.

Soooooooo.........

I had a dream last night that I had moved into a new apartment and then I realized there was an extra giant room and an extra kitchen space AND an extra bathroom - with a man in it.  The room was soooo big and not that clean but not dirty - sort of like a big dance space or a dance studio more like and I was so afraid of it.  I also was confused about the kitchen and I didn't want to have to move my silverware again.  I have had one reoccurring dream in my life about extra rooms in my house - always in the back - very beautiful spacious, interesting, clean rooms.  But this wasn't that same house and I don't remember being afraid of the rooms before.  Afraid isn't the right word - apprehensive - I was apprehensive of these rooms and I didn't want to deal with cleaning them out.  Even though they weren't that dirty.  So fucking psychological.  I'm on some level - either - I just don't like any kind of change - at all - an/or I'm a little bit lazy - OR - I have no idea what is going on and it was just a dream.  Either way I'm glad to know (if everything in the dream is us) that I have an extra room and an extra bathroom.  Time to pay my rent and do the last leg of this cleaning in.  Moving cleaning.  I'm calling it Cleaning In.  I like that.  That's what I'm doing before work today - cleaning in.  Bye Blueberry!!!

Okay - wow.

So crazy - I'm so - crazy - or not - I don't know.  I am going through something.  My best friend moved away - I moved out of that crazy house - my jobs are so far away - I'm not in class and - well - I'm broke.  Broken.  Am I?  I live here because I still want to to chase my dream - because the life I have made for myself is here.  I miss the beach - I miss my family - I miss fresh air.  I'm so uncomfortable.  It feels like layers of things are going away.  What?  I can't explain it - I'm having so many FEELINGS.  How is it fucking possible for me to have MORE feelings than I already do?  If I had in confidence what I have in FEELINGS - I could do anything I wanted to.  Christ all fucking mighty.  I guess that's why this is hard.  I'm not making sense really.  I'm eating yogurt with berries and gound flax and I prayed & meditated - in earnest this morning.  This is a good start to my day.  I'm also going to extra therapy tonight.  Extra therapy.  Thank God - and OH my God.  I want to live my dream.  Oh boy.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.

I'm just over-stimulated, overly sensitive AND

exhausted.  All I need is to get in shape, start eating healthy, get tons of rest and quit drinking coffee.  THAT'S ALL!!!  THEN I WILL BE FINE!!!!  Jesus - I'm going to stop writing but I do believe I just need an overhaul health wise.  Plus sleep and getting past my fear of it.  If I didn't have such creepy dreams it would be easier to want to fucking sleep.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I really am questioning this whole sobriety thing.  I mean - I am miserable - this is insane.  I put myself to bed early last night after I cleaned and grocery shopped and I had the worst dreams and now I feel so upset.  I'm not sure what is going one - maybe I am just going through something.  It was so scary to put myself to sleep.  I think maybe I am addicted to the drama of not sleeping enough.  I was able to wake up, walk the dog and get ready in a clean bathroom and somehow that was just TORTURE.  I don't understand at all what is going on.  I'm just hoping this is another layer of - crap.  I mean whenever people tell me they are going crazy in early sobriety I really believe they are getting sober.  I'm just not having any fun - I'm just tired and over it.  Okay - well - I wish I could say this is PMS but it's not.  I just am having a crap day and someday I will feel pretty and sexy again and have fun.  I'm so fucking bored and I'm just mad.  FUCK.  I am so grateful for my family and I know people have it so much worse but I don't feel alive.  This just can not be where the buck stops.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I have already had to talk myself off the negative mountain so many times today and I did it but I am freaking out.  I don't have sex - although every night and every morning I here the people above me having sex.  I hear their bed having sex - not voices.  Today was quite rhythmic and fast I must say.  Jesus - I just can't seem to get it together.  What am I doing?  Does this make any sense?  Am I doing something wrong?  Should I just be throwing myself out there - getting a man and having a baby?  I got so excited about going back to school and then the more research I did the more it seemed completely insane - completely expensive.  I'm getting old fast and I am FAT.  What?  Okay - I'm not that old and I'm not that fat.  I am however bored - AND OH MY GOD - SEE????  Why is every man I'm attracted to gay or taken?  Am I really going to be a spinster?  Last night I heard more shall be revealed.  That is true - I know it's true.  Um - wow.  Maybe I should look at a year ago today on this blog.  I know I'm less angry.  I moved.  Um - I got a raise.  Last night when I was upset and thinking about how someone didn't understand me I had a revelation that it didn't matter if they understood or what they think (really what I think their thinking) - what matters is how I feel and taking care of myself.  AMAZING.  Okay - I'm going to look at a year ago.  WOW - that was fascinating.  Okay - I wished I had a tub in that post.  It was from August 1st, 2011 and I wished I had a tub and I do now.  I have a tub and although there is a little bit of cigarette smoke it is not NEARLY at the level of at Creepy's place - not at all.  I'm going to go home tonight and super clean my new apartment.  I have unpacked everything and now I'm going to super clean and go for a walk in the park.  Yesterday when I was here at the store I did lunges and I'm going to do that also.  I also read a post where I wrote about how life is like a bicycle and that unless you keep moving you fall off.  Balance - right?  It's all about balance.  I went home last night instead of going out with people so I could get a decent night's sleep and I did.  It was hard and it made me sad to go home but I did it and sleeping is so important.  I need my sleep and I've never really let myself sleep that much and I am going to commit to that right now.  I am ALWAYS reading how to eat healthy, how to take care of myself - ALL these things to do and guess what one of them always is and is FREE?  Sleeping.  I'm going to do lunges, practice acceptance and breathe and call people.  The I am going to go home and take care of myself and get a great night's sleep.  Bye Blueberry - thank you for being here for me!!