What am I doing?

I put up the blinds - a miracle - I bought the power drill and put up blinds.  I bought an air conditioner and I started to put it together.  I just watched 4 episodes of Californication and what am I doing?  Am I never going to have a family?  Be in love again?  Get healthy?  Get in shape?  I'm at a fork in the road again.  I keep seeing y's everywhere only - backwards.  It's so strange - I know it doesn't make sense but that's what I'm seeing.  It's like I'm supposed to go back?  Go back where?  Not drink.  I can't do it.  Californication makes it all seem so awesome only it isn't.  I would never be like them - just alone throwing up by myself.  Fuck - I'm scared - it's so stupid but it isn't.  Backwards y's - what the fuck is that?  Bye Bluebs - I need to sleep.

This neighborhood is so nice it makes me sick.

I just walked the dog and I got a lot of smiles and awwws and holy fuck - not awake yet.  I'm so grumpy - I worked till 2:30 and then I got up at 9:30 for the super to fix the tub and guess who didn't show up?  The super.  I called him and he said he will be here at 12:30 or 1:00.  I waited for 4 hours for the guy to come fix the intercom yesterday - and that was so fucking frustrating.  Okay - and it really smells like cat pee in here when I get home.  You know what's good?  These little girls sit out front with their grandpa and they are the cutest things ever.  They just pet the dog and they asked what happened to her eye.  When I said she got beat up one of them said "Ohhh - that's not fair."  How cute is that?  I think they are 7 maybe?  Totally cute.  So - I still need to get my power drill.  At least I got to work last night.  I need an air conditioner and a power drill.  I also need a better attitude - mine sucks donkey dick right now.  Have you ever seen donkey dick?  Gross - they are gross.  No offense donkeys.  Just  giving a visual to how awful my grumpers attitude is.   Okay - gotta go get some power drillness.  What?  Byeee Blueueeebie - I love you.

I'm going to buy my own fucking power drill.

I never thought I would be able to get my own apartment or do any of the - seemingly - normal things - or even easy - things I have done by myself without a guy.  Now I am going to buy my own power drill and put up my own blinds.  I think I am also going to take a writing class at The Open Center.  I was going to go back to college and get my Master's in writing but maybe I will start with a class first.  I need to do something - I'm so lonely and bored.  So - I made myself an ice coffee just now.  I have saved so much fucking money already by moving - I'm not even kidding.  I mean - I spend so much less.  I haven't spent a single cent yet today - how AMAZING IS THAT?  I have my own fucking ice cubes so I don't need to go buy and ice coffee - I can drink one here for about $3.00 less.  I'm waiting for the super to try to fix the drain in the tub and sink in the bathroom and I'm also waiting for the guy to come fix the intercom.  I might have to go get the power drill on my way downtown.  Hmmmm.  I printed out a map - I don't understand the streets up here yet.  Hey!!  That's interesting right???  Bye Bluebie!!!  I love you!!

Filled with rage.

I woke up grumpy, didn't walk the dog or wash my hair and I look gross and feel gross.  How am I so exhausted?  I tried to put up my blinds last night and I'm pretty sure there is no way I can do it by myself - or even with someone else for that matter.  Maybe I need a power drill?  Then what's the point of buying 10 dollar fucking blinds?  I'm so fucking bored - this is so boring.  I AM SO FUCKING BORED.  Ugh - seriously - at least there is no one in the store right now.  I tried so hard the last 2 days and now I'm just fried.  Dear Lord - okay - okay - I did feel better after I put on make-up.  Yesterday I was showered, cute dress on - cute shoes and I was okay.  Today?  Total disaster.  It could be I am over-reacting.  Could be.  What am I doing?  Should I go back to school?  I wish I could get inspired - really bust through to the next level.  Haha - that made me laugh but I'm serious.  FUCK.  Bye Bluebs.

Shame.

I'm rereading a book called "If The Buddha Got Stuck".  I think I read it when I was drinking still - I don't remember buying it (I found it in the move amongst my books) and I seem to know parts of it but only vaguely.  So yes I must have read it drunk and high.  Okay so yesterday I read this part about shame.  Just as I finished that chapter I got home and that movie Shame had arrived from Netflix.  Well Holy Fuck - wow.  I am just so fucking aware of how much shame I feel all the time.  Shame about getting angry, about farting, about eating too much about sneezing, about not peeing on time - SO MUCH FUCKING SHAME is triggered in me ALL  the fucking time.  And hello - I'm not doing anything like that guy in the movie.  Although whoever lives upstairs is and I wouldn't mind at least a piece of that.  Alright so just now I was walking the dog (WHICH IS SO BLISSFUL HERE!!!)  It's so crazy.  So I'm walking the dog and thinking about how much shame I felt at that house all the time and how - okay - right - I've said all this before.  I tried to not beat myself up for hating Creepy and Princess Turd and the reality is they are enraging people.  HOWEVER I also have to realized that I am triggered to feel shame - I was free to go and not live there at any point and I don't actually think Creepy wanted me to feel shame.  I mean I don't think he wanted me to feel or be my own person or WHO THE FUCK knows.  However I am not living there anymore.  On the subway ride home tonight I was like "I never have to go back there EVER again.  Ever."  How fucking AMAZING is that?  I tried to watch this Ryan Gosling movie where he's a drug addict and I couldn't even finish watching it.  It was so hard to see someone in that cycle of pain.  Did I write that already?  I am ready to move past my rage about the house.  Only it's not happening.  I'm so mad I have to go through this to get past it.  Oh - duh - I have ways to help take care of this.  Great - I'm going to do that right now.  Bye Bluebie!!  I love you.

Soooooo......

I woke up, made coffee, prayed & meditated and then ate the most DELICIOUS blueberry yogurt with fresh blueberries from the Farmer's Market around the corner.  I walked the dog, made some phone calls and now I'm here writing.  I am having so much fun grocery shopping and putting the apartment together.  I went and did laundry for the first time yesterday and had a moment of sheer bliss while standing in front of a fan there in the sun.  Then I had a moment of complete horror while this woman stood too close to me as I folded my towels.  I got Chinese food last night and it was AMAZING.  holy fuck - the Chinese food here is really good.  The best I've ever had.  Really?  I don't know - it was pretty good.  I also had another moment of bliss yesterday when I had sorbet for lunch.  Lemon sorbet.  It was so hot - I don't have an air conditioner yet and I was  hungry but too hot for food.  I thought of the lemon sorbet in my freezer and I ate that and it was total heaven.  I have moved - amazing.  A few times - a lot of times - I have had angry thought towards Creepy and Princess Turd - but - well - I have made the choice to not think about him - them.  I just fucking wrote that and now I'm angry and thinking about them.  My birthday was great - Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, 9/11 Memorial and Little Italy.  Um - I'm not even kidding.  I have to work again tomorrow - time to get back into the swing of things.  I am making it functional and pleasant in here.  It's not as hot today so I'm going to wait on the air conditioner.  I got a good night's sleep and now I can put these blinds up and try to un-clog the drain in the tub.  Okay - okaaaaaayyyy - byeeeee.  I miss my family.  bye Bluebie - love you.

Waking up early is better here!!

I used to be so uncomfortable waking up early in Creepy's house because I had to walk by him sitting in the dark in order to walk the dog and I HATED talking to him first thing.  why am I being so negative?  My program is lacking a bit - I really need a meeting.  I woke up the other morning in Ct. and I was so angry and then I realized I needed a meeting and I brought myself to one.  First time ever.  My sister brought me to meetings (and she's not even an alcoholic - how amazing is that??) but I never took myself.  I could just feel the resentment growing inside me and I knew it was going to lead to a freak out so I got myself to a meeting.  Amazing - I only made 45 minutes of it because I got lost but WOW - what a difference.  I'm back in my new apartment and I already got a good night's sleep, prayed & meditated this morning, made coffee and walked the dog.  I went to Ct. for the Baptism and it was SO wonderful - I am so happy I was able to go - it was really special.  So wonderful to be with the family, be on the farm, go to the beach.  Beautiful.  The baby!!!  Oh my GOD he is such a sweet little monkey.  I never had to worry about my apartment being open or my privacy being invaded while I was gone.  I still have such resentment towards that house - I need to let it go - I can't afford it.  It makes me sick to think about it and I'm in SUCH a better place!!  I have boundaries and borders and privacy!!  I was able to grocery shop yesterday and last night when I was hungry I was able to eat a little bit of hummus and put it back in the fridge.  Then I had a little bit of salsa and put it back in the fridge!!  How fun is that???  I bought my healthy bread that needs to go in the freezer and guess where it is?  THE FREEZER!!!!  I am having a blast washing dishes and putting them in the cupboards and using and rewashing silverware.  And seriously it is 1000 times easier to walk the dog.  She is so blind, poor thing.  She wakes up happy though!!  I have a million things to do and the family is coming in tomorrow for my birthday.  Now I have a year here to figure out what I want to do.  I want a boyfriend, a career and a baby.  Hmmmmm.  Maybe go back to college.  Hmmmmm.  I will be able to have the room now to figure this out.  I can also make muffins!!  Hooray!!!!  Bye Bluebie - I love you!!