As Is

My sponsor had been saying for years that when she deals with difficult people she pictures a sticky note on their forehead that says "As Is."  Do you know I have never understood what the fuck shes talking about?  Seriously.  I was like what the entire fuck does that mean?  That's how codependent I am - I can't even acknowledge someone is difficult long enough to accept it by just saying they are AS IS.  Well anyway there is a happy ending because I finally get it.  And I get people are difficult and I get that it doesn't have to do with me.  Anyway who cares - I don't even want to get into a big thing about it the point is that it's great fucking tool to have!  AS IS on your forehead motherfucker.  Although she is saying it in a nice way - I am being cunty about it although I don't know why.  I am going to guess most people would love to have someone accept them as is.  I turned up the heat too high and now I am roasting all of a sudden. 

UGH - I am so tired.  I have to go to a meeting.  BYE.

Blueberries for Breakfast and A huge Ego for Lunch

There it is.  The whole dumb thing that I have never been able to figure out...the fucking ego.  When I was drinking it  thought it had control or I don't know what over the drugs and booze and it did not.  Then it was men.  I just was like "I don't care if this fucker isn't interested - he will be - he's gonna change."  That clearly never worked.  Now I realized I do it with friends but then and this is the real kick in the cunt...I have done it with sponsees.  Thinking "Oh they will change....oh if I sit here and listen even though its flipping me out and I am so uncomfortable and it is hurting my body - they will change if I help them."  That my dear friends is a fucking ego.  And I had no fucking clue.  I can't help anyone - ever.  WHO FUCKING KNEW??  I have probably even written it before but it has never been as clear to me as it is now.

I have an alcoholic ego.

I have an alanonic ego.

And they want to kill me.

That sucks!

I have no idea why but it's true and I can so feel it in my body now.  I can never help anyone or change them and I can definitely NOT HELP THEM by hurting myself.  No clue - I had no clue.  It's just like when I realized if men want to be with you - they show up.  That's it!  I just so clearly see that if someone wants to change they have to do it, they have to do the work.  THAT'S IT.  And either they want to do what I do or they don't.  And let's face it - most people will not want to do what I do because I do a lot and it's so fucking uncomfortable working through those layers of shit.  Painful.  Hurts.  Meanwhile the disease is saying "You don't have to do all this shit - why don't you go to the mall and get yourself and sweater?  5 sweaters?  And some pants and a watch?"  Then as far as helping people my dumb ego is saying "JUST PUSH THROUGH FORCE FORCE FORCE YOUR SOLUTION!!  THEN THEY WILL FEEL BETTER AND then you will feel better."  Ew.

This morning when I was meditating that thought came to me - how I just want other people to feel better so I can finally exhale and feel good.  Then I realized that meditation is the answer.  Something shifted in me and I felt the power heal or I don't know what - I felt centered and better.  It was brief but I realized that that's the only control I have is over my own damn self.  My own damn feelings.  My own energy, my own inner source.  And meditation is where I work on that.  Get that.  Fuck.  Who knew?  I really didn't know.  I didn't know there was an alanonic ego too.  I never understood what that feeling was when I wanted to get in their with somebody and "tell them how it goes."  EWWWW.  I am so annoyed I was like that.  But also I didn't know and I don't care because this last sponsee was also ASKING for the help so I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

But this has to go - this toxic stuff with other people.  The anger that comes from trying to help and them telling me to go fuck myself.  Or whatever.  The anger.  IT's not good for my body and it's come back in the last 6 months and it feeds cancer - I know it does and I can't afford it.  I can't go through treatment again and I can't go through more surgery.  Not like that anyway I just can't.  So this woman really was my teacher.  Thank you.  I GUESS.  Haha just kidding.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Restart in 14 Minutes

That's what this computer just said so I have to make it quick.  Today is a new glorious day and I have been making the most of it and dare I say enjoying it.  I still feel mind-fucked by that sponsee (ex-sponsee thank GOD) but also that's my issue.  I believe people when they lie to themselves but more than that I get in there and tangle with their disease.  It's my alanon stuff.  I just see a sign on the road that says a relationship isn't working and I think "I NEED ANOTHER 10-12 SIGNS BECAUSE I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS SIGN IS TELLING ME."  HA!  Okay keep coming back.  I am going to keep coming back.  I kept saying my whole way into the city last night "Bless her change me bless her change me."  Because that's really the problem - me.  I have to get in the shower and get ready for my show tonight.  I also need to eat dinner.  Okay I don't know - it's just a new day and I worked really hard to get out of my head last night so I would do the best I could onstage and I did.  I did a great job.  This morning we had a nice jog together the guy & I and I ran errands and was able to get my friend a nice book for her birthday.  And one day a friend will ask me to sponsor her and I will really think with my heart if I can help the person and if they really want help.  Because the reality is I can't help anyone - we do it ourselves.  We march to meetings, we work on ourselves and we do the work - the steps.  We march right through that shit and then we slowly so so slowly start to change.  And for me I have to just let go of the notion I can help anyone.  Because I can not.  That's not what a sponsor does.  We listen, share our experience and what we did and then THAT'S IT.  But for some people - we can't listen that much.  Because I really listened to this person and she just talked and talked and never wanted to do the work.  GOD - I want to say I was a fool for trying to help but I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do.  And it has been my experience in every fucking way with every fucking thing I do that until I am in it  - doing it - I don't learn how to do it well and what NOT to do.  So she was my teacher.  THANKS.  Haha I am just kidding.  She was and I do love her although I still feel awful.  It's so mean when someone blame you for their behavior.  It's like a child saying you are why they fell down.  I don't even fully know if that's what happened.  I am just glad it's a new day and I got to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.  Yes.  I just sighed a happy sigh of relief.  Off to alanon soon so I can figure out how to be kind AND be of service and leave relationships that aren't working much, much sooner.  Or whatever I am supposed to learn.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello.

A sponsee broke up with me today.  Well she asked sort of - if she should do it since she doesn't want to do things the way I do them so blah blah.  Basically she just wants to do what she wants to do and that's what she has always done.  So guess what?  She's miserable and it's so hard to see and hear.  She is just controlling her own show and man is it not working.  She's so upset so often and it's heart-breaking.  I have to say though that today I really had a hard time being kind and by the end of our conversation I was actually angry.  But here's the thing....I have been upset working with her for awhile but I stayed in it and I should have said I can't help you.  Because I can't help her - I can't help anyone.  I just say what I did to stay sober.  That's it!  It has taken me so long to realize that simple thing.  They say in the program this slogan "It's a Simple Program for Complicated People."  True.  True.  It also doesn't work if you don't do it.  Anyway I am trying to work my way back to being kind....back to being in and enjoying my day.....and I am getting there.  I have a couple shows to night so I am trying to get ready for those.  I just have to shake it off.  I have really realized I am an empathy and now I have to be really REALLY fucking careful about who I am around and how much of their stuff I listen to.  I will be more careful before I say yes to sponsoring someone again.  I just felt icky today anyway - I went to the doctor yesterday to get a second opinion about a cancer pill they want me to take.  I liked the doctor and she explained again why it would be helpful and it upset me because she said it could help me BUT THERE'S NO GAURANTESS.  Then she said "There's thousands and thousands of women that have been studied that this worked for but WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT COME BACK ANYWAY."  She also finally said (after I explained numerous times that I have mental health issues) that it will have side effects of mood swings, hot flashes, loss of libido, dry vagina and osteoporosis.  Do you know what I just realized?  NO FUCKING WONDER I WAS UPSET LISTENING TO HER CRY TODAY ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE TO SIT IN HER FAVORITE CHAIR BECAUSE SHE HAS TO WORK FULL TIME.

I already have all those side effects (not osteoporosis that I know of) and I am working so hard to take care of them naturally and holistically and now they want me to take something that will make those WORSE??  Jesus.  And that if I don't then I am somehow "taking a chance" even though "WHO THE FUCK KNOWS ANYWAY?"  Um - HA.  That's hilarious.  She literally disclaimed everything she was telling me with - "yeah I don't know - no one knows but it could help, or not."  God - doesn't it seem like there is a kinder, healthier option?  Which I asked her and she said maybe but there aren't any studies done about that.  I see - I see why I was so upset today.  I am grateful that I am not working with that woman anymore - she is my friend and we probably should have never been working together like that.  Or who knows - not anymore anyway.  I have to go and get myself ready for tonight - love you Bluebie bye.

Hard Time.

God this is by no means the hardest time I have ever had - it really isn't.  It's a memory and an awareness and I will be okay.  It's disturbing and very, very very fucking unpleasant but I will be okay.  I am in a safe place in my life with a lot of help but GOD WHAT THE FUCK.  I have a show tonight and I am not ready.  My guy & I had a fight last night and this morning and it was ugly.  I am on edge.  I'm also so tired. 

Okay.

Okaaaaay.

I told my sponsor and she said this is about freedom.  She also said it's a missing piece of the puzzle but that talking about it and getting it out is freedom.  I would like to be free - I really would.  And do you know what I would really like?  To enjoy my life.  To enjoy myself and my art and my guy and our life together that we have both worked so fucking hard for.  But well ugh I guess first this.  Well wait or also this.  I can move forward without completely falling apart.  I'm just tired right now.  Of course I am - these things are exhausting.  I can have many things going on inside of me at the same time.  I can have layers.  I can be grateful, grossed out, excited, confused, hungry and tired all at the same time.  and that's okay.  I can take a shower, plan my set and go forward in love.  And I can be upset too.  I want to feel better - RIGHT AWAY - and that is not going to happen.  I also DO NOT NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS with the first person I see - for example a stranger.  I reaaaaally do not.  It's so tempting!  I just want to be relieved!  But also and here's what's really important......

I don't need to wallow in this.  I mean I can - I can!  If I want to but I don't want to.  I do want to enjoy this day as much as possible and take care of myself.  I have work to do.  So once again it's about breathing.  Breaaaaathing.  One moment at a time.  Nice and slow.  Yeah.  Okay let's get to it.


Love you Bluebie!

Strength

Where does the strength come from?  Where do people get it?  Where have I ever gotten it?  I never even thought I had any till I got cancer - really.  Not even sobriety made me feel strong.  They say in the program that we get our strength form our high power.  That makes sense right?  I meditate every morning to get guidance and the power to carry out that guidance.  I am not sure why but I make it way more fucking complicated than that.  I can feel and see that power - the light - when I meditate.  It's not all floaty and nuts or anything - it's just a power and a light and it gets brighter and I feel stronger when I plug in.  When I can really plug in and let my thoughts go.  Okay well anyway it's been a rough week......emotionally.  Okay but wait - wait - it's also been a very good week and my life is growing & changing, evolving all the time in a wonderful way.  So this isn't some out of control, horrible I am a victim thing - because I am not.  First of all - I am strong and I am not letting myself say anything different than that.  I have worked hard and I continue to work hard.  I have trusted that working hard would break me out of patterns of self-abuse and I was correct to trust.  I have moved, I have loved, I have fucking lived.  And when I got cancer I took care of myself and asked for help and got the help I needed.  But mostly - I fucking took care of myself.  And you know what?  I did a great job.  Now.....now some things have become clear to me that I can only describe as disturbing.  Ugh GOD - who  fucking cares?  I mean - look - if you have read a bunch of this blog it won't come as a shock to hear that some shit went down in my childhood that was disturbing.  I think the memories have been there floating around, whispering to me....just sort of in the back of my mind.  Well last weekend I heard some things that made those thoughts come to the forefront of my mind and I pieced together some parts of the puzzle and guess what?  The puzzle is fucking hideous.  However the puzzle is also in the past and I am here.  I am strong and I am already doing all of the things to take care of myself.  And here is one of the greatest gifts I am giving myself now.....ready?  Boundaries.  I can have them and I can keep them.  And I can be kind!  Or not!  Whatever I want to do.  But most importantly I can say what does or doesn't work for me and if I don't like something I can get the fuck up and walk somewhere else.  Ugh I want a brownie.  So that part of this week has been rough.  But it's negativity that I am meant to be free from.  I know it and I can feel it.  It's something I am being shown so I can let it go and stop holding onto it in my body.  I am a good person, I have worked so hard and I deserve to enjoy my life as much as possible.  I don't have to be sick again - I can heal.  So that's it I guess - how do I find the strength to let the negativity go?  The strength to be positive - the strength to live in the fucking LIGHT?  But the real light??  Maybe I was a victim and okay I was - fine, gross, barf and how fucking enraging.  I am not one now though.  You know what this feels like?  When you have a toenail that's too long and it's cutting into your other toe, you have no idea and then you look and there's blood all over your foot and a gash where the toenail was digging in?  And you don't even realize it hurts till you look at it?  That's this.  I have written in my regular journal this week a bit more - I was so angry.........I needed to just spew...

Anyway so you are my therapy once again dear blog but well not but just thank you.  My friend is dying from cancer...weeks to live.....I have been given the chance to live again twice now - alcoholism & cancer.  No one said it was going to be easy this life and I have been blessed in so many ways.  I can heal through this too.  It's not life threatening - it's just clarity & it's not pretty.

I'm just going to do what I did through most of my cancer treatment - just breathe.  Yeah.  Slowly, slowly breathe.  Drink lots of water, job, write, and I really might go get a brownie.  Love oyu Bluebie bye.