Day 2734 - A New Day

I'm feeling a little sentimental.  I think.  I don't know really except I am feeling A LOT.  Happy, sad, in love, in my head but grateful.  But mostly I woke up today feeling okay and feeling amazed that it's a new day and that I want to take full advantage of this day because it's one I haven't lived before.  I never think like that but I did and am today.  It's fucking amazing.  I'm not sure why I'm having such a shift out of my normal rage and self-pity sandwich but - well I am.  I am not always in that space - I know but it's a big part of me.  It has changed so much since I have gotten sober and it continues to almost fade away.  Is fade the right word?  Or I am growing out of it.  It's fucking crazy - my thinking is actually changing.  It feels the weirdest science experiment only it's in my brain and involves God, or spirit or whatever you want to call it.  The power that isn't me.  I don't know.  Maybe I know?  I don't know.  Anyway I did that extra - I'm sorry - background work yesterday and woke up at 3:15 in the morning.  I managed to get there basically on time and man I was pissed.  We stood outside for over 8 hours and I had to keep reminding myself EVERYONE WAS OUTSIDE - not just me.  Even the stars of the show were outside.  Just standing there.  Okay and of course once I started to get on camera - someone moved me to the front - I stopped being so cold and I was like "Oh this is fun!"  Ha but also I had decided I wasn't going to do it anymore during lunch and decided to give the last half of the day my all.  They lit a car on fire over and over again so that was fun to see and watch.  The making of the show is super interesting when it involves stuff like that and hundreds of people.  Although - oh man I forgot what I was going to say.  I don't know.  Doing background work reminds me of waitressing.....everyone is desperate - well not everyone but a lot people and grabbing for food and then - ugh I don't know - it's an icky feeling and I would rather spend my time putting myself into work I love.  Also after I was on camera I felt the same way I felt when I would make a shitload of money waitressing - "Oh that wasn't so bad - I could do that again."  After I promised myself 4 hours before that that I would never do it again.  Yikes.  Oooooookaaaay - so.  I have to go and live the rest of this day - love you Bluebie bye!