Blech.

Im exhausted.  Im exhausted but that's okay right?  I got up, I prayed and meditated and then I wrote in my journal.  Isn't that great?  I let myself do that.  Now - Im writing on here and Im home, sitting on the couch.  After Im done here Im going to put on my jogging pants or dance pants or whatever the fuck they are - work-out pants?  And get on the treadmill.  Then I need to go to CVS and come back and organize my bills and money.  What little money there is.  It would be so nice if I could learn how to make some money one day.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  Good GOD.  I just feel like a bucket of shit and for the life of me it seems like what is the point of being sober if Im still going to get grey hair and have to work with that twat waffle Cunty Buns?  That woman - even when she is not being difficult - is SO HARD TO E AROUND.  She never stops drawing attention to herself - ever.  She slaps the counter, punches a magazine, coughs, burps, says excuse me but she says it like this "OH! EXCUSE ME FOR BELCHING!"  Who in the God's name of fuck says belching that isn't 127?  I cant even take it.  And do you know what I learned in therapy this week?  Okay that made me laugh a little when I wrote that I'm not sure why.  Maybe because - who knows anyway...I learned that I acquiesce to other people all the time and it's from my childhood.  It's how I survived growing up in a chaotic home.  Isnt that sad?  No one made me do it - it's just what happened.  It's why I have no personal power.  Jesus this is exhausting.  So now I find myself doing it in this beautiful relationship I have and it's not going to work.  But it's really not working for me - anymore.  It's just not serving me.  Am I making any sense at all?  Who wants to do all this work?  Why am I doing all this work?  Other people don't - they just eat fries and do - I don't know what.  I don't know what normal people do because I don't know any normal people I guess.  Let's flip this around.  Arent I lucky that I have such a great therapist?  Isnt it amazing that I have all the opportunities I do to work on myself.  Arent I lucky that Im a woman living right now in 2016 who doesn't have to have children and can work on ME and help unchain myself from all this shit and avoid hurting other people and continuing the cycle?  I think I need to take some midol.  Im going to take some midol and eat a brown rice cake with peanut butter on it.  All things will shift from that right?  I guess I need a meeting.  It's so hard for me to get to meetings.  I can make phone calls.  I can connect still.  I can do that.  IT will be okay.  One day at a time.  Gentleness and loving self-care.  Barf but yes.  Barf but yes.  Barf but YES.  Bye.