Eye Twitching

MY right eye is twitching - it has been twitching for about a week now.  Who knows what that really means - days though -it has been twitching on and off for days.  I think it's stress.  I got back from my friend's and went right to the guy's house.  By the time I got to work yesterday I was having a full on nervous breakdown.  I just was so out of my routine.  But - well - I feel better now.  I went home last night and went to sleep early and slept a looooong time.  I also watched 2 episodes of New Girl and just relaxed.  I'm not sure why I was so freaked out.  I was mad that the guy is still married - I wanted to go home to him last night - every night - I was PISSED.  But then I got home to my own apartment and I was totally fine.  I didn't even need to really talk to him on the phone.  What the fuck was that?  I mean I was having such a breakdown.  Well - whatever.  I don't understand anything.  I really wish my eye would stop twitching it is en-ragingly uncomfortable.  So I don't know - I do feel sad.  I feel sad.  I just feel sad and - lost.  But I have shows tonight and hopefully that will help.  Who knows what is going on with the guy.  I hate that he's married and that it isn't changing but also I clearly don't need to be moving in with him from a place of me throwing a fit AND I felt perfectly fine and happy to be home.  I have no idea.  Oh jeez - I really wanted to write on here and I feel like I'm just complaining.  I'm sad that the jewelry hasn't worked out.  My party for the weekend cancelled but also - I would NOT have wanted to do it and have it be for nothing.  Yeah - so I guess I am sad about that actually.  It's just not working out.  Or not for the long run anyway.  I have a cold.  I'm just randomly saying that - that I have a cold and it's making me so tired.  Okay so anyway - there are good things from the jewelry.  I look better, it was fun for a little while, people were willing to help me and I gave people gifts and was able to donate some money.  Those are good things right?  Haha - that's awesome that I'm not sure.  Love you Bluebie bye.

living with purpose

Im on a plane waiting to go see one of my besties. Ha the pilot just said we are waiting for fuel. I read a tea bag fortune that said something about oh lord - i dont know what kind of person - a leader maybe? A leader has a purpise others have wishes. I realized thats where i have faltered lately. I dont have or dudnt have a purpose. So now my purpose is figuring out my purpose. Also my therapist said when u cant take care of myself im left feeling scattered. Thats what else i couldnt fully put my finger on about myself. Ive been do scattrred. So ths morning when i meditated i tried to pull myself together. I could really feel how scattered i am. Im on my phone so this is a mess haha.  The guy came over last niggt and brought me my sneakers my good ones from his house and i burst into tears. It was so thouggtful it just made me cry. He brought me to the airpirt this morning. Oh good we almost have fuel. Haha why is he telling us thst? Well why not? Love you uebie byee.

Best of me.

I am trying now at this point in my life - right here right now today to not give a shit what anyone thinks about me.  Not in the same way I didn't give a shit about anything when I was drinking.  In fact I cared more then what people thought about me.  Now I care very much about me, my life - growing, being a good person - loving the best I can and being the best me I can be.  However I can no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about me - it's fucking exhausting - I mean EXHAUSTING and it doesn't matter anyway.  At all.  How can I let God and art through me if I give a shit what some twat on the A train thinks?  Or if I care - fuck I forgot what I was going to write.  SHIT.  Hahaha - well see there you go- who fucking cares.  What the fuck was I going to say?  How can I worry about what someone thinks and honestly express myself?  This program that I'm in doesn't tell me I have to worry about what anyone thinks - I just need to be kind and helpful to other alcoholics and be of service.  Okay anyway.  OH THAT'S what I was going to say.  I worry about being bitchy and when I am I think "Oh no - now they don't like me."  Oh you know what - GOOD.  I'm usually bitchy because someone has been a turd and you know what - even if they haven't been I'm a fucking human being and sometimes I'm going to be bitchy.  Sorry.  So I will try to keep that in check but who GIVES A SHIT.  Ugh.  Last night this girl sat next to me on the subway and would not keep in her area.  I moved over a bit, shaved her a bit, gave her dirty looks, shoved again and then did my "purse shove over put your arm on THAT" move.  She could have given 3 fucks and by the time I realized that she could probably kick my ass - I could tell she was going to get off at her stop soon.  Then I thought to myself "What if she just gets up and screams CUUUUNT at me??  What the fuck will I do then??"  She proceeds to get up at her stop - I watched her get up with profound relief and she turned around and said "Byyyyyyyyee!!" with this creepy look in her eye.  HA.  I was so surprised - not that she said something but that I actually knew she was going to.  I then got comfortable and said thank you for letting her get off the train.  I mean - come on - good for her.  Who cares.  I was being bitchy but she was also being completely annoying.  So who cares.  I know I will see this girl again - I just know it.  So this morning I thought to myself - I have to write this down and get it out.  God - I just spent so long trying to find the W. Somerset Maugham novel where the woman talks about her husband who was a writer and says something like "Writers a re the strangest creatures - they write it down and then they are done with it."  SOMETHING like that!  I haven't read that many of his novels - I don't know - UGH.  Gotta go- love you Bluebie byyyyyeee.

Loooong weekend.

I basically hid out at the guy's house all weekend.  We went to lots of meetings, had lots of sex, I watched different comedians, he made us steaks one night - ugh - it was TORTURE.  I mean it was GREAT - we went for a walk at this beautiful lake but the whole time I was so worried.  About everything.  But I just couldn't do anything else but take care of myself.  I even stayed there again yesterday.  Last night was a rough night of sleeping for both of us - I drank coffee at the meeting and I couldn't stop talking when we went to sleep and I think I overstayed my welcome so to speak.  BUT GET THIS.  I got mother fucking health insurance.  Finally.  So that happened.  I also exercised all weekend and now somehow I'm fatter.  I suppose I could exercise AND eat less.  Christ - who can do that?  Okay so what else?  I don't know.  I have PMS but I'm so much better from taking care of myself and getting fresh air all weekend.  I felt like I had so much to say.  Buuuuut I guess not.  I've decided to take a calmer approach to selling the jewelry.  I just can't get so distracted with it.  Howver the pluses are fabulous so I'm not going to stop yet.  I look better, I'm taking better pictures and - I don't know what else.  I just got so tired.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Tears.

So I just got home - a bit earlier than I would have if I were in my acting class.  I don't know what I have to do but I have to get back to that class for May.  It feeds my SOUL.  This class - the commercial class is - not about acting.  Haha - um - neither are commercials apparently.  That's not totally true.  Omg I'm dying - I totally cried when I got home and ate some of that fried pound cake with ice cream.  It was fucking delicious.  This is what I learned in this class tonight and it was such a painful lesson - to ultimately - relearn.  I'm in my own way and commercials are a crap-shoot for the most part so just be myself and have fun.  What was painful was me standing in front of the class, turning beet red, saying I was afraid everyone was going to judge me while I looked at them - half-jokingly and they all looked at me like I was crazy and THEN - then - HA - he got annoyed - he deals with actors like me all the time - nervous, afraid, not doing the work I guess.  I don't know - as a casting director - he isn't going to talk me into being good for the audition and apparently I'm supposed to go in there and take control - make the audition mine so to speak.  He's not an acting teacher.  So the whole feel of the class is so different from my acting class.  Although let's face it- I have left plenty of times upset from any of my acting classes.  There's a woman in the commercial class who I took class with 15 years ago.  WOW.  When I moved here - JESUS CHRIST - almost 17 years ago.  Well - this has been a very long road.  I'm tired and I'm just as in love with acting as I have ever been - so what am I supposed to do?  I promised myself I would try everything and I guess I haven't done that yet.  I've been doing a squat challenge - does that make it that I have tried everything?  I'm crying again.  I've been here for so long, it's so crazy.  I finished my 20's here, got drunk here, got sober here - lived my 30's here and now - my 40's.  This is what tonight felt like - punches - I feel like I got punched but I took his criticism and it doesn't matter.  I am feeling a lot of pain but I also had fried pound cake.  I have pms and he's giving me permission to just be myself - be confident I can do the job and nail it.  No matter what the people in the room are like.  I'm so fucking sensitive that honestly I don't know how that's really possible.  I just shrink at people's feelings.  Something has to change and shift.  I'm exhausted bye.

Overcaffeinated

Got home so late last night from the show - was great - got fed and paid but home so late.  I managed to get to work more or less on time and I am so tired and I just drank a huge coffee and now I am so over caffeinated, angry and tired.  Holy fuck.  I tried to sell the jewelry at the show but it wasn't busy and it didn't really work.  I brought less stuff so it was easier setting it up and breaking it down so that was good.  I seriously don't know how much longer I can do this - it's nuts.  I don't know how some women do it - but it just doesn't seem to really be working for me.  HA.  The only place I have ever really seen any return is stand-up.  Okay so whatever - maybe I am just wasting my time on this jewelry - instead of focusing just on my comedy. Or whatever.  Oh whatever.  I gave the girl who gave me a ride home a necklace.  She literally saved me 2 hours of my life.  I can't even imagine how angry I would be right now with even 2 hours less sleep.  It's absolutely gorgeous out right now.  Ah - oh well.  Well I have my commercial class again tonight and I love my guy so much.  So overall I am so blessed really.  I'm sober, well-fed (VERY) and clean.  I've been on time for work everyday and - what else?  Haha - I own more jewelry than I have ever owned in my LIFE.  And my comedy is growing slowly.  I just keep going for the year I said I would go with this and only give it part of my time and still stay focused on everything else.  Am I lying?  Who the fuck knows.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 2049 - so confused.

I always say that right?  That I'm confused - only this time I really mean it.  What in the fucking world am I doing selling this jewelry?  I promised myself I would try it for one year - I would commit to one year.  Here are the positives - I look better, I have more jewelry than I have ever had in my life.  I actually love the stuff and I have sold a bunch of it and I have donated more money than I have ever donated.  Downsides - I am not making enough money, it's a shitload of work and I am scared that this is just crazy making on my part.  And that it's just distracting me from my art,  I am actually going to sell some of it this week at a show - so lets see how that goes.  It would be so great if I could somehow combine the two.  I just wish I was having more fun.  At this particular moment - I am not having any fun.  I very stressed out, kind of fat (although I did run yesterday and today - today was more like a slow jog - Jesus - so was yesterday) missing my class because I don't make enough money and filled with shame and humiliation about all of it.  I mean - come on.  That's not fun.  At all.  The shame and humiliation are the worst.  It just feels like I am never going to get out of this place - meaning - this place of money.  I just feel like I am backsliding - that's all.  I'm just confused and - well - it feels a lot like how I felt at that B&B all the time - I was just always feeling humiliated.  I don't have to feel humiliated - I just don't make enough money and I am making adjustments.  What in the world is the lesson here?  Where's my power?  Where's the love and ease?  What do I want?  I want a job where I make enough money to live - very comfortably, be able to go on auditions and be able to go and do the jobs I get and then I want to be able to do comedy - tons of comedy at night.  There you go.  That's what I want.  Enough money to be able to be in the union and have health insurance.  That's what sounds like a fun, beautiful, glittery and exciting life to me.  I  can't believe how much this feels like early sobriety - it's crazy.  I feel like everything is ruined and I can't imagine anything will ever get any better.  I mean in my heart (mostly) and in my head - that's what it really seems like right now.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Ugh bye.

Home, sad - no shows.

I went and bought apples after my meeting.  Then just now I made myself some pound cake supreme.  Fried pound cake with ice cream and chocoloate sauce on top.  It's amazing.  I don't have on my glasses.  My guy's son thinks he's Jesus.  Yes - that Jesus.  The poor kid has been taking these drugs and I think he's kind of crazy anyway and now he thinks he's Jesus.  Well so anyway he's in rehab and his daughters guy is locked up.  So - well - I guess we are never really having any babies.  I mean - yikes.  Okay - so I amso tired.  I - ugh - am just sad and tired and that's it.  I miss my dog.  I miss my young body and not having cellulite on my back of my knees.  What is that anyway?  I had to change my clothes 4 times yesterday for my jewelry party because nothing fit.  I put on this loose shirt - supposed to be loose and the guy was like - wait how can that lose shirt be tight?  I was like BECAUSE IM FAT.  Poor thing - he was truly confused.  I went t o a great meeting tonight.  I need more alanon.  I need to go to sleep that's all.  Love you Bluebie bye.  It's just feels like my career is never going to happen.  IT's heart breaking.  Bye.

Fucked.

Or I feel fucked.  I just got one of those 3 day letters they write saying paying your rent in 3 days or get out.  I was paying my rent late - a month late and then I realized it was 2 months late.  Ugh - haven't I done this before?  The answer is yes.  I feel so stupid - okay - because I just re-signed my lease and sent it in.  I paid February's rent already - they must have mailed that letter before they got the check - now I have to somehow pay March's - hello and how about April.  Ugh - wow - I am so fucked all of a sudden.  I need to - what - I don't know - go to bed.  I have to stop taking my acting class - that's all there is to it.  Ugh - it's breaking my heart but - well - I have this commercial class I'm taking - my guy paid for it.  I just can't do it all.  I just can't - right?  I mean - I have to pay my rent.  Last time I did this it was because I wanted to act - got pictures done - stopped waitressing as much.  Now - I just stopped waitressing.  I just can't.  I'm getting upset.  The way my body looks is upsetting me too.  Okay I'm going to go to sleep.  I have to figure this out tomorrow.  All so I can be a professional actress.  Comedian and actress.  It seems crazy to stop now but I can't not pay my rent.  So something isn't right.  Please blog let me get straight in the head tonight while I sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Bonkers.

Hi.  I'm a little crazy today.  I got to work on time - a miracle - but not really because I left on time - so thats how that works.  I just want to be on time - that's all.  I also am clean and I have on clean clothes.  I did an open mic last night which was painful.  I got some good ideas from it though so it was fruitful.  I just feel sad and tired today and like I can't keep up.  I have a jewelry party this weekend and I honestly don't know why I'm doing this.  I want to be an actress - I am an actress - I want to be a professional actor and a comedian - I am a comedian but I am spending a LOT of time trying to sell this jewelry.  Ugh - okay - it is fun - I love it and I look so much better - I really do.  People love the jewelry - a customer just came in here and tried on my bracelet.  I gave her a card - why not?  Okay - what else?  I'm just stressed out about this party and trying to figure out how to gey my hair back to a decent color, make cupcakes and see my guy all in the next 2 days plus I'm starting a new class.  Holy fucking stressful.  Okay - okay let's be realistic - making cupcakes is by NO MEANS the most stressful thing I've been through.  Fuck.  I just need to be nice to myself, have fun and relax.  I can only do my best today that I know how to do.  I need a meeting.  I need 2 meetings - one AA one Alanon.  That's it.  Okay - so this is good writing here.  I'm just scared.  I'm scared and I can not afford to pay that fucking penalty again for not having health insurance and I can't afford health insurance.  Christ - is it really this hard to grow up at this age?  Haha - yes - yes it is.  I'm just super uncomfortable.  So very, very uncomfortable - and bloated.  I watched a video of me from St. Patrick's Day and I'm so - much bigger than I used to be.  Ouch.  So ouch.  It's okay - I'm so lucky I'm sober - I'm sober - I have this beautiful man in my life - I love my family.  I just have to breathe and keep going.  Love myself and be kind - do the best I can today.  Sigh.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I want health insurance.

I want health insurance - I want to join the union and be a professional actor.  I want to make money and save money.  I want to work.  There's work to be had - tons of it and I can do it - that's it.  We have to have insurance now - and for what I paid in doctors and the penalty combined I might as well be paying for insurance and I WANT TO HAVE IT THROUGH MY JOB and I want my job to be acting and comedy.  That's it.  Bye.

Just got back from a show.

I hosted a show last night - after we went to the farm yesterday to see my family.  Got up today - did my day - went and hosted another show tonight.  I lost the line-up somehow before I got onstage and then had to call up the only person I knew - ugh - it was a little hectic at first.  Honest to GOd Im so tired right now Im about to fall over.  I go a manicure today and got my nails done - whoa I mean my taxes.  HA - got a manicure and my nails done.   I have to go to sleep I love you Bluebers.

Work, Class Show

I worked today - right - I wrote that - well then I walked to my class, worked first with my scene partner and then went to Queens to do a show.  HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THAT?!?!  Man - I loved it.  The show was terrifying I'm not sure why - maybe because it wasn't at a club - or - I don't know my hand was shaking.  Then - but I did well.  Thank God - I need to go to sleep right now.  I just made myself 3 eggs and some gluten free toast.  HOW FUCKING GREAT IS THAT?!?!?  I'm serious.  So tired bye.

A Kind Mess.

Can I be a mess and be kind to myself?  I don't know.  Let's see.  I took a shower today - I even washed my hair.  I put on lotion - my skin was so dry.  I have on clean clothes and I brought an apple with me and more lotion.  What?  The guy woke up upset with me because I got jealous last night.  So that was not fun at all.  Ugh.  Barf.  But okay - so I need to be nice to myself - back off myself - right?  Wide girth.  I walked through the park to get here - it's so sunny out.  I have class tonight and I need to memorize my lines.  I hope it's busy for a little while here today also.  Okay - I can indeed do this - I can be nice to myself - right?  I have issues - they will not be cleaned up overnight and good LORD me beating myself up certainly won't help any.  Are you buying this?  Am I buying this?  I think I'm buying this.  Okay I'm going to eat my apple and put these bags into the computer.  Love you Bluebie bye.