I am all fucked up again. I'm so frustrated. I am tired and although today was great and it was fun it was still so awkward. I don't understand. I went to my meeting and that was not fulfilling. I walked and I was out in the sun. I took a shower and I walked the dog. I just - I don't know - I didn't meditate and I'm still so mad about getting locked out. I'm lost and I miss dancing. I really fucking miss dancing. I feel so stuck. I also feel like I have always felt which is like someone else is keeping me from being, doing and feeling the way I want. I just hate living here again. I don't know - I guess I'm being hard on myself and it is really hard to work 14 hours in a row - it's hard for anyone - not just me. There is so much "If only and if, if, if....." in my mind all the time. I just can't breathe here and it feels so awful to come home to and it makes me angry and takes all my energy away. I'm uncomfortable - so, so uncomfortable. Let's write a poem. It worked for Emily Dickinson.
My balls have been drained of their love and worship
By a snake devil dressed in ruffles.
By ruffles I mean potato chips and by dressed I mean
there is a dick in the snakes mouth.
My hate lies at the curb and drinks wine with pleasure,
My balls linger and watch while hoping the last drop of hope won't go.
That's not bad!!! Bye and by bye I mean good night.
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