Oh boy

That meeting was hard to go to. Then I went to the little memorial set up for him and it was so sad - so upsetting. I'm having a little what's it all mean - what's the point thing happening. I'm sitting on my energy and I feel gross. Fat - nasty. I was also upset that the cute guy who I like wasn't there - but then again - thank GOD he wasn't - it was so painful and awkward as it was. Then the girl sitting next to me - oh - she had bad breath. I LOVe her - she is so sweet but her breath is horrendous. Jesus - what a douche I am. Oh DEAR. And I did nothing towards being a comedian and now I don't want to anymore. WHAT?? I don't want to do ANYTHING and it feels like no onw will ever love me. I haven't had real sex - like super hot, loving awesome sex in YEARS. Seriously. This is what it feels like - that I'm never going to have a boyfriend until I find happiness in my career and all I want is a boyfriend but I can't have that. Oh also I get angry whenever I DO have a boyfriend. And I have to go back to work and I'm angry about that. Soso sossssssooooossosososososososososossssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. And I'm in my head and I'm being a dick. I am - I gave some huge black guy attitude today on my way to the meeting. Really?? that's a great idea. I don't understand what is happening. I wanted to do my hair and my nails and toes tonight but I feel like - what's the point??? Who cares?? This is not good. I need to pray. I am going to do that. Thanks for listening. Keep on keeping on blueberry blog.