Painful.

I just don't even know what to say.  I am in a lot of pain.  A creative project is ending and it's something I put a lot of time, love and passion into and I just can't do it anymore.  It's not healthy for me.  It makes me feel badly about myself and it's not what my higher power wants for me and it's not what I want for me.  The virus has now taken the lives of many, many people - my elderly acting teacher to be one of them.  I am so sad.  I just can't believe how lucky I was to get to study with him.  I just feel sick and tired.  It's raining and such awful weather right now - that's not helping any either.  I just looked back on here to try and figure out when I studied with him and I had written about ringing in my ears in 2015.  Have my ears been ringing since 2015!?  I just feel like shit - I am not going to lie.  Here's the difference though - physically I feel better than I have in years.  I am healing from the chemo and I am taking really good care of myself.  This soul stuff and the codependent stuff isn't going to change overnight.  So for a lack of anything else to say - I am just going to sit with my pain today, take care of what I need to take care of and do my meeting later tonight.  Also as dumb as it may sound - I am going to deeply, deeply listen to what the fuck this ear ringing is about.  The eye twitching finally stopped and this can too.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Ringing.

My Ear(s) have been ringing for months.  It's driving me fucking crazy.  I think maybe it's some side-effect from the chemo?  I don't know.  My eye twitched for 4 years so I hope this isn't like that.  God - okay well I am doing some things for it but I just wish it would stop.  It's so so uncomfortable.  When I was in chemo I had an ear infection and it's the same ear.  I don't know.  Anyway it seems like maybe things are taking a turn with the virus - hopefully.  April is cancelled completely so there is still lots of down time but hopefully there is a shift towards health for the world.  God I just got such Deja vu when I wrote that.  So strange.  I haven't been writing very much or really at all....it's raining today so I got back in bed and wrote in my journal.  I felt a lot better.  I also picked up this computer so I could write on here....ugh.  Writing on here is more uncomfortable but well it's still part of my writing workout so I am doing it.  I have been cleaning out things everyday - the kitchen, my office, the bathroom - drawers, shelves, closets.  I pride myself as being someone who "doesn't have a lot of stuff" but for someone who doesn't have a lot of stuff - I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF.  Holy shit!  I mean we have this one drawer in the kitchen that you could barely open and I don't even know what the fuck I was doing with most of the stuff in there.  I suppose it's just a time thing - meaning it takes time to organize things and decide what to keep and not keep and all of it - ALL OF IT - is emotional.  Maybe not for you but for me?  And every single person on the show Hoarders?  It's emotional.  First time I saw that show I was like "I GET IT."  Because I do.  I have some sort of super intense, visceral reaction to cleaning out almost anything and getting rid of even the tiniest thing.  I held in my hands a small pile of menus that we NEVER EVER USE - I mean never and I had to really think whether or not to get rid of them.  I even asked the guy who didn't even know WE HAD THEM.  And to be clear - we recycle so it's not even adding to the garbage pile that's rotting the earth.  Yeah.  Memories come with things and with memories are feelings and feelings are hard to feel and that's why a hoarder buys ANOTHER HOUSE to put their garbage in rather than sit through the feelings.  And I guess that's why I'm not writing.  Feelings.  I am cleaning all this stuff out and going through the feelings and I don't want to go through more by writing.  WEIRD.  Only oddly enough this is what gets the feelings out for me - or at least part of what gets the feelings out for me.  Huh.  So odd.  Okay I am going to eat some cereal and go to therapy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Realization!

I had the most INSANE realization and honestly it is embarrassing to even write about it but I am going to because that is what I do - keep an online running written account of the mortifying things, feelings, thoughts and emotions I have & do.  What?  I don't care.  ANYWAY.  I was faced with something the last couple of days and that is - me.  Me and my reactions and what I think I KNOW about people.  So what I have learned is that unless someone flat out tells me something I don't really know what they are thinking or how they are reacting and most of the time whatever they are doing has nothing to do with me.  That's not the realization.  That's just something I constantly have to remind myself because for some reason I just can't seem to remember it.  Here's the realization...I had this friend and she moved awhile ago and now she lives on the West Coast.  We grew apart because I pulled away - I did the slow fade and in essence that part was okay because I wasn't being kind by being in a relationship that I was ALWAYS angry in.  It's not nice to be in a friendship when you are angry to be there.  UGH.  SO.  So this am while I was meditating I realized how hurtful that must have been.  I didn't have the tools then or the SKILL I should say - to have a conversation about why I was pulling away.  I don't even know if I should have had the conversation but well - now I just - I don't know - I just realized that must have been hurtful and I feel badly.  I honestly think she was doing her best.  If I didn't like her best and the relationship wasn't working for me - that's okay!  But I don't know.  I kind of justified my own poor behavior by what seemed like poor behavior on her part.  And that's not okay.  For me.  So anyway today - so yesterday someone asked me to do something that I don't want to do and instead of doing what I have done for years - which is to get completely offended and then be passive aggressive - I just did this....

I sat with my feelings (ew).

I thought about whether or not I really thought this person was being unkind (more ew).

I simplified the whole thing down to - this is something I can't do anyway - truly.

Then today I called her back and simply said I am not the person for this and thank you for asking.

Then she nicely said - "okay!  Thanks for letting me know."

THATS FUCKING IT.

18 years of therapy and 10 years of recovery and I can finally, if I try really hard, say "no thank you" to someone politely. 

BYEEEeeeeeeeeee

Dying To Be Me

And also to take a poop.  Those are the 2 things I am dying to do right now - be me, and take a poop.  Honestly that really just sums up my life completely.  GOD - people are dying and it's so fucked.  It's so fucked!!  I am freaking out and getting really, really - scared.  I am trying so hard not to - it's not good for me or my immune system and it's not helpful - to anyone.  I can just feel it pressing in.  It's got to happen though that's the thing - it's a virus and it has to peak.  I am not breathing and I know everyone is scared.  I am also starting to hyper focus on the smallest things about myself or even things I haven't struggled with for a long time.  I guess they were still there and I had other things to focus on.  But also - I am just so terrified because I went through treatment and I am still fucking healing form the chemo - I know I am.  My brain is still fucked up from it and - Jesus - I don't need to go into my symptoms and side-effects I just know that I am still detoxing.  I am scared but in a weird way.  In a weird I am shutting down kind of way.  My guy is being so kind and patient with me and I am also driving him nuts - I know I am.  Anyway I am still reading the book and I don't know why - maybe because I am now starting to hear about people's family members and close friends dying so it seems so much more real but for some reason I am really starting to struggle with what she says in the book - "if I save myself I save the world."  I just feel so selfish and I don't know - maybe right now today I am just really having trouble helping myself.  But also really & truly - what do I think I should or could be doing?  I am not a nurse and have no training in that area.  I have zero skills as far as what the world needs for workers - really and truly.  The best thing I can do is stay home and try not to spread the disease if I am some sort of carrier.  Ugh okay I just took a break and watched Jimmy Fallon for a minute and that helped.  So yeah I don't fucking know - of course I feel scared and weird - everyone does.  It's not a secret and I didn't do something wrong.  Can you imagine if I just ran into a hospital right now and was like "IM SORRY I FEEL SO SAD AND TERRIBLE ABOUT WHATS HAPPENING THIS IS ALL SO TRAUMATIZING AND I AM SHUTTING DOWN EMOTIONALLY."  Okaaaay yeah not helpful.  There is something for me to do and that's be kind.  Starting with being kind to myself.  Love oyu Bluebie.

I Don't Know

2 things are happening - 1. I am taking care of myself, exercising & cooking tons of healthy food. 2. Losing my fucking mind.  My mind wants to kill me!  I am just having all these memories - painful, uncomfortable, excruciating memories come up and these tidal waves of sadness - and so much GUILT, shame & humiliation.  You would think that I used to take shits on puppies faces - or whatever it is puppies have?  I mean - okay anyway the good news is that for once in my life - even though I am just so being faced head-on with my mental illness (alcoholism etc) I also know that I have had so many people who I love & trust assure me that these thoughts and feelings are not true.  Remember the vegan I used to live with?  Who ate all my food and would jerk off like a fiend at night who I used to live with a looong time ago?  Well - he used to say the craziest thing......

HE USED TO SAY THERE WASN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME.

I know I have probably written about this before - I don't know - maybe not but I am compelled to write about it again because of the book I am reading "Dying To Be Me."  She has a near death experience and well - fuck have I written about this!?  I don't have enough time to go back & look and I need to make this soup or my pears are going to go bad - ANYWAY.  She has stage !V cancer and she's totally fucked and dying right?  In the hospital and in a coma and has a near death experience and realizes that the other side is love, pure love and a lot of wonderful things and that she has a choice on this side and she could live or die - her choice, and either way everything is fine.  Okay so I can't even describe it the way she does but it is utterly believable and fascinating and then she decides to live and come back here and she does and her cancer is healed in like 6 weeks.  I mean she was RIDDLED with it.  Okay so then she realizes it was all fear - she was so afraid and it expressed as cancer.  Anyway but really she says we are all put here to just express who WE are.  Just us - our one selves and that if we take care of ourselves - we take care of the world.  Anyway so when I meditated today I really thought how we are all from that same source and at our very essence we are all okay - you know?  So in a way the lazy vegan was right - there isn't anything wrong with me - at my core. 

HOWEVER.....I crossed that invisible line into alcoholism and drug addiction and I am a mother-fucking pickle and there's no coming back from that.  However inside my pickle core is pure awareness, light and choice...and even though I can never safely drink or drug again - I can be okay and happy...but I do need help for that.  So the lazy vegan was right - in a way.  Anyway fuck him right?  JUST KIDDING.  I think?  Hahaha - the fact that I am still resentful that this guy ate my jar of peanut butter is proof enough that I need A LOT of help still.  JESUS.  Okay time to make that soup - love you Bluebie!

It's Fear.

Fear and sadness.  That's what's underneath my obsessing over other people and their feelings and thoughts and whatever.  I am afraid.  Afraid to do my own thing.  Afraid to feel the sadness that on some level we all have to stand on our own 2 feet or our own whatever we have.  I don't know what else I am sad about but - well - guess what?  I have plenty of time to sit here and feel it.  And then maybe I will let it pass through me.  Maybe it will move on.  I can get out of this boot-loop...wait - no it's not a boot-loop it's a cycle....stop the repetition.  AH.  I started to watch Russian Doll and it's amazing.  She is stuck in a boot-loop!  Okaaaaay gotta go byeeeee.

Corona Vacation?

I guess that's what's happening even though I am home a lot anyway.  So the World is closed basically and I am home now & have been home for daaaays.  I have been going outside to exercise but that's it.  I couldn't sleep last night so I am tired today.  I am also still fighting a cold of some sort although yesterday I felt much better.  It's snowing today so I don't know if that's what's going on?  All the flowers have started to bloom so it's really weird that it snowed although I think it normally would snow again this time of year.  ANYWAY.  I am working my alanon program and it is difficult.  I will tell you why and I know - I know that you don't WANT to know but I will tell you anyway.  SO.  So I am taking care fo myself which mean I am trying so very hard not to take care of other people's feelings.  This is much easier with people whom I have I have not ESTABLISHED this relationship with.  So - UGH - I am having a hard time because people don't like it when you don't do what you always did and the problem is that they get aggressive and unkind and then I FEEL like I am doing something wrong even though I am just creating boundaries. BUT - well a couple time I have probably done things in not such a kind way so I guess really I am having a hard time because it's SO HARD to be kind when you want someone to (figuratively) get off your foot!  But okay so it I none of my business how someone else is reacting and that's where it gets tricky because I have always made that my business.  So this is some super subtle unbraiding of myself from other people's stuff and minding my own GODDAM emotional business.  Why is it so hard to be kind?  I mean Jesus - it feels terrible to be unkind but it feels almost impossible to be kind.  Is it really as simple as - if I am kind to myself and coming from a place of kindness then it is much, much easier to be kind to others?  And just let them be and take care of themselves?  I have no control over anyone else anyway.  This is giving me a headache.  I hope that you are well and taking care of yourself.  I hope that I am well and taking care of myself!  I am certainly trying to...love you Bluebers big hug from a nice safe 6 feet apart.