Okay - let's see if I can be clear at all......

this whole thing with the city being broken feels very much like 9/11 and it's quite - traumatizing except - it's different.  It's not a human attack and people are being kind to each other.  Here is the thing - I am once again - sort of - left feeling like my life is empty.  During 9/11 I had a crazy roommate and a comedy career.  Now I have my own apartment and I'm sober.  I had tools to pick up today - amongst them my wonderful therapist and kind sober people.  I am an artist and I don't know what that means but I need to follow my bliss.  Follow my bliss.  That's it.  I can trust the doors will open where they should.  I learned all of this from one dating website of some man I found interesting.  I don't think he finds me interesting and it doesn't matter.  Follow my bliss - that's it.  I'm going to do that.  Starting now.  I'm so tired.  See???  I REALLY enjoyed writing that!!!!

Do I really want something different?

I mean than the life I am living?  Because I keep doing the same things and thinking in the same ways.  It's easy to live like this.  Really?  I mean - what?  I need to take some risks.  Some healthy risks.  I think I really want to move.  Okay - let's start with an interm sponsor and then I'm getting a new sponsor who HAS WHAT I WANT.  I'm eating an apple - everything is going to be fine. 

Well - and then there was a REAL hurricane...

Holy fuck - this one was SO much worse than last year.  Totally awful.  The subways are closed - all of lower Manhattan without power - the subways are flooded.  Okay - so anyway - I'm at work.  I never lost power.  I did my hair, my nails, cleaned out my files - which took 2 days - holy shit - this couple that just came in - they are sort of nice - okay - she's such a bitch - so bizarre.  Oh well - whatever.  I am getting upset - what am I doing with my life?  The hurricane is making me crazy.  I think maybe I need to stop writing.  I got here today and the last person her had left her keys IN THE LOCK.  What?  Omg.  Okay - I took care of myself these last few days and I am here at work.  I am going to get an interm sponsor.  I have just had it with mine.  The poor woman is without power and I'm mad at her - how ridiculous is that?  Regardless - I can't be without a sponsor and she isn't available and I've had it anyway - I'm done.  I love myself - I want to be okay and be taken care of and I'm not and never have been.  I'm just afraid to move on because I don't want to do the work.  More work - show up.  There you go.  I'm so sad for people that got fucked in this storm.  Except my sponsor.  That's not true - I am not going to be upset with myself because I am upset that she wasn't kind to me.  I'm sorry but if you have enough power in your phone to post to facebook - you can write to your sponsee.  UNLESS - you don't like your sponsee or feel they are worth it - which is exactly how it felt when she told me she couldn't talk to me because her power went out.  I can have compassion for her and be upset.  I don't but I can.  I need to take care of myself - I help her by being her sponsee and I am sick of feeling like a burden to her.  LOOK HOW GREAT I AM DURING A CRISIS.  I'm not even IN crisis.  I got an extra day off and it took me longer to get to work.  PANIC.  ANXIETY.  Love.  What?  Bye.

Releasing shame.

In my readings this morning it talked about being honest with what is happening in our lives, saying how we felt and what happened but not saying what we SHOULD have done because then we come from a place of shame.  Do you know my therapist always says that to me.  Should implies shame.  I never understood that until today.  I woke up a little bit late and I still prayed and meditated, took care of the dog and walked her and do you know the most amazing part??  I noticed that when I got in the shower the mice are eating the bathroom cabinet and as I was getting ready - THE EXTERMINATOR CAME!!!  I'm not even kidding.  If I wasn't running late I would have completely missed him.  Holy shit - those mice were having a fucking paaaarty all night last night.  It's only mice - I finally realized that - but plenty of them.  Okay - so what else?  I really worked on releasing the shame while I meditated on my way to work also.  Okay - right - here's the other thing.  I went shopping after work last night - Loft sent out this email saying all their full priced clothes were half off until 7 - I got there and it was a mad house.  I tried on a really cute skirt but it looked only okay - not AWESOME at all so I left.  Plus ladies were being insane - like psycho - I couldn't handle it.  Then I went into the Gap and okay - make a long, boring story short - I went to buy this 70 dollar dress that I thought was 30% off but when I got to the register it wasn't.  So I hemmed and hawed and the girl was like "Try to buy it online - it might be on sale online."  She took the dress and I just stood there and finally I left and then OBSESSED about this dress for 2 hours.  Maybe 3.  It was cute and I liked it but the ONLY reason I wanted it was for this job and I have clothes to wear here.  I would have needed new tights to go with it - maybe even shoes and it wasn't AWESOME - it was just cute and I really can't afford it.  I just wanted it.  But you know what?  I didn't buy it and today I am wearing a 400 dollar dress that she GAVE me from here with tights I already had from home.  I am clean, I look cute and creative and so WHAT?  No one is here anyway.  Here's the other thing - the dress was for an OFFICE and I don't work in an office and I don't work somewhere where I need to buy something I can only wear there.  I have had it in my mind that I have always sort of wanted a day job - where I get health insurance and I work 40 hours a week - blah, blah - normal.  Right?  Like a "normal" person.  Um - I think what I really mean is I want to PLAY a person who has that life - job.  I mean - it would have been so inauthentic for me to get that dress.  I didn't "love it, have to have it - more than anything."  I just wanted to be a different person than I am.  And it was a boring dress anyway.  If it was 10 dollars it would have been great - and fun!!  And who cares.  But 70?  Not only that but I am a creative person - so why don't I go ahead and let myself dress like a creative person??  I am really on fire right now with this blog - holy shit.  I'm going to go ahead and write in my journal.  I just keep thinking that there is a way things SHOULD be and there just isn't.  This outfit is a surprise this morning.  If I was wearing that dress it wouldn't be surprise and it would have been forced and wrong.  Maybe someday - after I pay my rent ON TIME - a 70 dollar dress isn't so crazy - but for now - no.  I want life to be filled with surprises - not planned boringness.  My shoulders are up by my ears.  I think I made my coffee stronger than usual.  Also one cute guy who I wrote to - wrote me back!!  That's fun right?  Plus that stupid dress wasn't THAT comfortable.  Here's the great part - at least I'm not obsessing over it anymore!!!  HAHA!!.  Holy fuck - time for some relaxation exercises.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS! 

Online dating sucks MY BALLS.......

and I haven't even gotten to the dating part!!  First a transgender man and now a little person.  Plus a LOT of creepy older dudes, along with a lot of strange men and some decent seeming guys who cut right to the "Hey - do you like to have naughty fun????"  Ew.  Hahahaa - ew.  What-fucking-ever.  Okay - what can I say - it's at least practice - right?  I mean I am talking to guys about dating - it's start.  I have message a lot of guys who haven't written me back.  One guy did.  It's all good - good practice.  On a positive note I think I found some stuff that will keep my eyeliner in place.  Is this really my life?  I think one of the reasons why any cigarette smoke freaks me out so much is that I am so totally sensitive to it.  I'm exhausted - so tired.  I need to go to bed at 10 o'clock.  I woke up this morning and I went back to sleep and then I woke up late and then I decided I wasn't going to go to work.  In my head I was like "I am not leaving - I am not going there - I am not going to go to work - I am sleeping."  Then I rolled over and went back to sleep and when I woke up only 5 minutes had gone by and I got out of bed.  I suck.  I want babies and a relationship and an awesome job to go to.  Oh dear I am getting impatient and this has NEVER worked out for me.  I need to calm down before I marry some other freak because I have decided that I can settle and I just need to do this.  Alright.  This guy I am talking to right now - I gave him my cell phone number - is asking me why I would want to look sexy in my pictures.  He has zero sense of humor and is WAY serious.  I'm frustrated.  I am frustrated and exhausted!!  What?  How is that a thing?  Bye Bluebers - the boring saga continues.

The Walking Dead.

Fucking AWESOME SHOW.  Holy fuck - I love it.  One of the bartenders at work made me promise I would at least watch the pilot - I did and then I watched 3 more episodes.  So inspiring.  I'm at work and I am not a complete psycho and I have on the cutest shirt I got from the Gap for 9 dollars.  It was on sale for 12 something and then it said an additional 30% off sale stuff.  So I went to pay and the guy didn't take it off and I was like "Um - the sale items are an additional 30% off right?  He was like - "oh was this on the sale rack?"  No it was on the full price rack - now everything at the Gap is 12 dollars.  I felt only a little stupid but what the heck - 30% off is 30% off!!  It is the cutest shirt but it is so wrinkled - I should just steam it with the steamer from here.  Okay so wow - why am I afraid to write?  Something about the coat I wore here today smells like salad dressing.  I think after this weekend what I have walked away with the most is making a new plan.  That's all.  I need to start with being excited to wake up in the morning to go to jobs I want to go to.  I want new jobs and I want a boyfriend.  That's it.  I gave the dog a make over last night.  She always hates it when I do it but then she's so happy to be clean - it's hilarious.  It's so much easier to take care of her in this apartment.  Everything is easier.  More expensive but easier.  The steamer is on.  Bye Blueberry - time to steam.

Shit day turned better....

I worked another double yesterday and I took home public transportation again - to save 26 dollars - and it took an hour and a half.  I was so exhausted by the time I got home and I just woke up so tired and so upset.  I meditated, I cried, I ate eggs - it was raining - not helping.  I took the dog out finally when it was just drizzling and she was NOT into it and I really just wanted to strangle her.  I got back in the apartment and it smells like cat pee and I hated myself for hating the dog and I was really wondering what the fucking point is.  So I finally got my clothes on and I walked in the park.  It was almost completely empty and I walked and cried and hissed at some creepy man and then I ran and then I walked more then I jogged and then I cried more.  I looked at the ducks and the birds and the trees, which are so beautiful right now changing colors and it was raining most of the time and I finally started to feel better.  I shifted out of my rage a little and I got back in here and drank water and hugged the dog and then I was thinking "Why is this so hard right now?  I have PMS but why am I soooo upset?  Why do I feel so crazy?"  then it occurred to me that I am changing something - right?  I'm taking the bus and the subway home to save money and it's scary and it sucks and it's SO much better for me and so of course I'm having a meltdown about it.  I'm being more of a grown-up - right?  What else can I do?  I don't know.  I'm writing this and I feel like I sound stupid but - I don't know.  I'm either really falling apart or having some sort of transformation.  Am I dying or becoming a butterfly?  I want to laugh at that but I'm not laughing.  I'm so tired.  Am I taking care of myself by working these jobs, paying my bills and trying to be a grown-up while not being an actress?  I just don't understand.  I miss so much being creative.  I'm so confused.  But part of my problem has been just being silly with my money while lying to myself that I'm taking care of things.  I need to lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  After I lay down and take a shower I will feel way better.  Way better Blueberry - way better.  Byeeeee - love you for being here.