Hi!

So here we go - more & more psychology and fascinating discoveries - or not.  First of all - I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond last night and got a bunch of things for the apartment - among them a light bulb for above the stove.  I came home and put that light bulb in and I felt like a million bucks.  I had FUN at BB & B.  I love being cozy and calm.  I love going to sleep earlyish.  I'm not so upset to not have someone in my bed lately.  What?  Then I obsessed last night all night - sort of - over this guy.  But now that I think about it - it wasn't him - it was that I felt like I couldn't talk to him.  It was that I felt - stuck somehow.  That's really what I was upset about.  Upset not being the right word - ahhhhh - over-thinking?  Haha.  WOW.  It's 11:17 a.m. and I got lots of sleep.  Drinking less coffee is the most amazing thing ever.  I don't know - what else?  This suddenly seems so lame.  I need to go outside - get some air.  Turn it over and more will be revealed.  I have work tonight and I still have tons of things to do for the apartment to get it ready for Melissa.  And any other guests!!  Not just my guest cockroach.  I love you Bluebs!

Okay - here we go.....

I got home last night and I was upset - so negative and I really had to pull myself off of the negative thoughts.  I thought to myself - I have control over this - I don't have to be miserable - I can pull myself off this unhappiness.  And I focused and focused and it was sooooo fucking hard but I did it - sort of.  I mean it is going to sound so crazy but it's like I have to pull myself out of the left side of my brain into the right side of my brain.  So I had this dream I was running up this really steep hill - running and running and I was doing it and thinking - wow - I can do this - this is amazing!!  Then the alarm went off.  I got a lot of sleep and I walked the dog, got all clean for work and got here.  I brought a yogurt and ground flax and had coffee from home to drink on the way to work.  I just kept focusing on the love on the way to work.  Why was I so compelled to write just now?  I can't remember.......hold on......oh RIGHT!  I realized that - okay - I am saying this from a clinical place - I am not beating myself up - I will preface it with that.  I realized how I have replaced so much of my drinking and smoking pot with netflix and food.  Also with rage.  Rage, netflix and food.  And that hurts my body too.  If everything I am doing is to be being better to myself - treat myself better - be kinder and easier on myself - all of those things are not.  What am I talking about?  This seemed so profound when I was thinking about it.  I'm just getting to another level of nice to myself - in a really good way.  It feels impossible.  It feels like that hill I was running up in my dream.  Only I did it in my dream and I can do it in waking life too.  I've decided that every time I say something negative to myself I will say - that's not true - I don't know that that's true.  I also realized when I spilled some of the flax this morning that I was packing up that I'm a perfectionist.  I FREAKED out for a moment that I spilled some flax.  Or maybe I'm just a drama queen - who fucking cares??  You know what my therapist said?  She said - after I was upset that I hated someone and then the next day I loved them - she said "So what??  Can't you hate someone one day and love them the next??  So what - it doesn't matter - who cares!  Can't that be okay that that's who you are?"  I think that's what she said.  Sometimes just because she is telling me that it's okay to be me I get so excited I can't remember correctly the reasons she is telling me why it's okay.  I have a cold - a little one.  I have the night off tomorrow night because there isn't class.  I have on clean clothes, I have my own apartment and I can pay my bills - sort of, mostly.  Now I just need to ignite the right side of my brain and bring it back to life.  Bring my love back to life and step into the flow.  That's all I have to pee Amen. 

I guess it's not coming back.

I guess my comedy isn't coming back.  I'm supposed to be re-writing this but what the heck.  I work here - I go see my family - I pay my bills and take care of my dog and I never perform.  My class has gotten better and now we don't have class for a week.  I went to see my parents this weekend and that was amazing - I went to the beach and the river and it was fantastic.  MY father grilled steaks on the grill and I watched the Emmy's.  I would love to be on a sitcom.  Would I?  I can't even manage to get to work showered 2 days in a  row.  Alright - I'm getting upset.  I felt like I had such a grasp on things.  When?  I don't know.  Okay - okay - calm down.  I just wake up with this emptiness because I don't do comedy anymore - it makes me so sad.  Some part of me must not want to do it or I'm not letting myself do it.  I'm so confused.  I'm also just tired.  I did this Anniversary thing last night and you have to shake hands with over 400 people - it was really intense.  Then I forgot to wash my hands an ate some chocolate.  I should have just licked the sidewalk.  I shouldn't say it's not coming back - what do I know.  I also was telling myself I don't have love inside me and that is simply not true.  I do have love inside of me and this is about growing and balance.  I have killed off 3 plants lately because with the move I suddenly started to water them too much and I killed them off.  MY father said that most plants are liked by over watering them and by paying too much attention to them.  Now I'm upset again.  Balance has never been my thing.  I'm going to go about this day and then get some boxes to put odds and ends in in my apartment.  I have been cooking at home and it has been so glorious!!!  The last 2 nights I made myself blue cheese burgers with avocado, red onion and a side salad of mixed baby greens and arugula.  SO FUCKING GOOD.  And fun!  Alright.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you!!!

More will be revealed.

That's what everyone and the program says.  I went home last night because I was so exhausted from working here yesterday and I didn't get enough sleep AND I didn't shower and so I went home instead of going to ballet.  I got home and put on clean, comfy after work clothes and it was TOTAL heaven.  I spent time with the dog and I washed my underwear in the sink AND I re potted a plant.  I got Chinese food and took out the garbage and the recycles and that was fun too!  I vacuumed and got to sleep at a decent hour and I woke up completely on time.  Then I went back to sleep and woke up so upset.  I cried in the shower - haha - not really funny but kind of funny and then I went to work.  Somehow though, because the apartment was clean and because I took care of myself - I felt better by the time I got here.  I don't know - I don't understand anything at all but somehow I feel a little better.  I was being so hard on myself and then I was like - well this isn't helping so I stopped.  Just a day at a time.  Okay - I'm signing out of this most boring blog post ever.  Right now I am so grateful to be sober.  I don't care how nerdy that is.  I really am.  Bye Bluebs.

Up, down and getting my power back.

Maybe.  Maybe I can get my power back now.  That's probably the least likely way to get your power back....by saying "Maybe....maybe now I can get my power back......if I feel like I have enough energy...."  UGH.  Crazy lady out side.  SHE WALKED AWAY!  Score.  Anyway so I have been crazy and blah, blah, blah.  I can tell you this - I stayed up late last night doing laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping and I felt SO much better today with less sleep than I did yesterday.  I just don't do well with clutter and dirt.  Boundaries and my power back.  I also want to turn into some combination of Pink and Angelina Jolie.  But with highlights.  Oh dear.  Bye Blueberry - I miss you.

Not Hung Over.

I'm not hung over - how amazing is that?  Sososososos so wonderful.  I woke up, walked the dog, prayed & meditated, walked/jogged/sprinted in the park, talked to my sponsor - got the New York Times, did the dishes - ate some food.  Fuck yeah - good stuff.  So strange - somone is playing SERIOUS music upstairs - it sucks.  Okay - I just wanted to say how awesome it is to not be hung over.  I love you Bluebie.  BYE!!

Okay.

I woke up really depressed - I'm having these dips into depression and I just realized it's perhaps something in me is healing.  I always tell people that are new to the program that are a mess - that they are a mess because they are actually getting sober.  So I'm trying (and I'm kind of smirking as I am about to write this because I know it sounds so ridiculous) to heal these childhood ills - whatever they are and I'm trying to heal my heart and get even more sober and it's hard.  Here's the other thing I just realized - part of what I go to meetings for, is to look at men and possible find one.  Um - what?  So how does this affect my healing?  Who can shop and heal while also trying to figure out if they look fat at the same time?   My friend and I were talking yesterday about how we don't want someone who is an addict anymore and I really don't.  It just occurred to me how much more quickly my healing would progress if I just went to meetings to get sober and help other people.  Fucking a.  Ugh - what a relief - what a relief to realize that.  Here's the other thing - when I woke up so sad I just wanted to go back to bed and instead I took care of things and walked the dog and then walked/jogged/sprinted in the park and that helped SO MUCH.  The sunshine, the trees and the air.  The ducks too - I love those ducks.  Quack.  I have to go about my day now.  Love you Bluebie.