Okay - here we go.....

I got home last night and I was upset - so negative and I really had to pull myself off of the negative thoughts.  I thought to myself - I have control over this - I don't have to be miserable - I can pull myself off this unhappiness.  And I focused and focused and it was sooooo fucking hard but I did it - sort of.  I mean it is going to sound so crazy but it's like I have to pull myself out of the left side of my brain into the right side of my brain.  So I had this dream I was running up this really steep hill - running and running and I was doing it and thinking - wow - I can do this - this is amazing!!  Then the alarm went off.  I got a lot of sleep and I walked the dog, got all clean for work and got here.  I brought a yogurt and ground flax and had coffee from home to drink on the way to work.  I just kept focusing on the love on the way to work.  Why was I so compelled to write just now?  I can't remember.......hold on......oh RIGHT!  I realized that - okay - I am saying this from a clinical place - I am not beating myself up - I will preface it with that.  I realized how I have replaced so much of my drinking and smoking pot with netflix and food.  Also with rage.  Rage, netflix and food.  And that hurts my body too.  If everything I am doing is to be being better to myself - treat myself better - be kinder and easier on myself - all of those things are not.  What am I talking about?  This seemed so profound when I was thinking about it.  I'm just getting to another level of nice to myself - in a really good way.  It feels impossible.  It feels like that hill I was running up in my dream.  Only I did it in my dream and I can do it in waking life too.  I've decided that every time I say something negative to myself I will say - that's not true - I don't know that that's true.  I also realized when I spilled some of the flax this morning that I was packing up that I'm a perfectionist.  I FREAKED out for a moment that I spilled some flax.  Or maybe I'm just a drama queen - who fucking cares??  You know what my therapist said?  She said - after I was upset that I hated someone and then the next day I loved them - she said "So what??  Can't you hate someone one day and love them the next??  So what - it doesn't matter - who cares!  Can't that be okay that that's who you are?"  I think that's what she said.  Sometimes just because she is telling me that it's okay to be me I get so excited I can't remember correctly the reasons she is telling me why it's okay.  I have a cold - a little one.  I have the night off tomorrow night because there isn't class.  I have on clean clothes, I have my own apartment and I can pay my bills - sort of, mostly.  Now I just need to ignite the right side of my brain and bring it back to life.  Bring my love back to life and step into the flow.  That's all I have to pee Amen.