The funeral is today....

but it's okay and we are already laughing. My sister said she is taking on the persona of Princess Kathrine (she had the royal wedding on her mind) and last night she told my mother this and then they started talking about "Princess Katherine" and my mother said how she has been handed everything on a "Platter called Silver". Then my sister says "What does she do?" My mother says (meanwhile I'm wondering how my mother knows or is saying so much about the princess) "She sells real estate!!" Deirdre says "Reeeeeaaalllyy?? How do you know that?" My mother says "She sent us a postcard with her picture on it saying she says real estate!!" That's when I realized my mother was talking about my COUSIN Kathryn. It was hilarious. I don't have the energy to make up names for these people although I guess it would be funny but very confusing. I can't believe my mother thought my sister was calling our cousin Princess Kathryn - what the heck is that about? The wake was nice but nothing like Six Feet Under.....or everything like Six Feet Under. I could not stop thinking about that show. So this morning is the funeral and then I need to go back tomorrow to the city. I have been here for a week with no clothes and none of my things - which has been fine. I bought a couple of things and I am so grateful I got to be here - such a blessing.....and it has been so wonderful seeing my sisters and my brother and my nephews again so soon after Key West. My sisters came by themselves because they couldn't bring their kids so unexpectedly so my nieces aren't here. I have to go get ready - I hope the sun comes out because I want her to have a sunny bright funeral. Oh dear this does bring up such painful memories and feelings - holy cow....these things do have a way of stirring up the muddy waters of family ponds.....I love you Blueberry....

I feel so sick to my stomach.

My sisters are on their way and my other one is in the shower. The wake is at 7 tonight. We went to the beach and got a sandwich on the way and I could not stop crying when we got there. I had no tissues and we forgot to get napkins so I had to wipe my face and blow my nose in a maxi pad. It was so awful. I was stuffing my face and crying. I was bleeding, crying and eating. And it was absolutely gorgeous at the beach. Eventually we meditated and I prayed and for the first time I felt wetness on my hands and thought a bird peed on me but it was tears. Jesus I'm a mess. I need to get in the shower. I just feel all awful and a failure. I don't even think I should write or focus on why....it will be okay - this is just a tough time that's all. At least the dog is on my lap. This sweet one-eyed, going blind and deaf dog. Chriiiiisssst. Bye Bleub.

Holy cow.

Tonight we went to my brother's again and looked at all of my grandmother's photo albums and it was SO hard!!!! Christ I'm going to have to go to therapy for a week straight. My poor grandfather. We were looking for pictures for the wake tomorrow night. He was kind of upset about it plus we were all like "Ohhh I want this picture of me - blah blah." At least I was. There was some really amazing photos - tons of old ones and just tons of them all in albums. I am so freaking tired. We went to a meeting in Mystic today at a firehouse and my sister spoke. It is hilarious how into the program this woman is. She kept saying the serenity prayer on the way home from my brother's - hilarious!! As we were getting ready to leave my grandfather was looking at a picture of he and my grandmother from their honeymoon at Niagra Falls and he just looked and looked and then said "There she is." Then he tossed the picture on the table. It said 1949 on it and so they were married 62 years. I almost lost my shit - I was totally crying. I can't stand it - I swear to God - so heart breaking. I already washed my face and put on my sisters fancy face lotion and I don't want to cry anymore. 94 years old. She was 32 when they got married and she already had 2 kids from my real grandfather. But this grandfather was the only one I ever knew and my father calls him Dad. Chriiisssst am I trying to win the sentimental award of the year or what?? Jesus. On a side note my mother had a blast looking at all the photos and laughed and seemed fine. I swear to God that woman is hilarious. I have to write in my journal now so I can - what? Talk about the things I can't talk about on here. We went shopping tonight and I got some cute leopard shoes for the wake and funeral. Sad heart, cute shoes. Yeesh. My grandmother used to have a sister named Innie and also one named Winnie and one of them had a blueberry farm that we would pick blueberries at in Maine. One of my first memories is of picking a ton of blueberries and putting them in my pockets and the blueberries making stains in the pockets of my dress. I was so surprised my the blueberries leaking. I have to go Blueb - love you.

I was so sad today....

it's so crazy. I just never thought she would die and I certainly never thought I would be so sad. Ugh emotions are so difficult to deal with. My emotions are so difficult to deal with. We went to another meeting today and it wasn't as great but it was still good. It was kind of cold and we left ten minutes early but we went!! My sister is so into the program and she doesn't even need it. Or she's not an alcoholic I should say. I think everyone could use the program. Anyway we all went to my brother's house for dinner tonight and it is so heartbreaking to see my grandfather without her. Thank God we went to those meetings or I really don't know if I would be able to handle how I feel. I had 3 sodas, a mini candy bar, one Reece's peanut butter cup, spaghetti and a salad. I had a big bowl of salad. Hahahhahaaa - I'm not even laughing at that. I guess I just needed to eat all of that stuff. I'm so tired. My other sisters start arriving tomorrow night and we need to go get clothes for the wake and the funeral. I wish I could write about all I see all the time. My brother doesn't live on a farm but you have to drive by a bunch of farm land to get to his house and it is so pretty. Such a picturesque ride. I felt like I was on a tour bus on our way there. I've been there a ton of times but today I was just struck by the beauty of the land. Plus it did used to smell for part of the trip but whatever farm that was is gone now (I'm not sure if that is good or not) and so now it just is beautiful land and fresh smells. I brought my dog and she watched Happy Gilmore with us. Hilarious. She is staring at me right now.......just perched on some pillows staring at me and wagging her tail when I look at her. She's so fucking sweet. I'm going to lay down. Maybe do some yoga......Goodnight Blueberry.....

Grandma died this morning....

it was so sad. We had such a nice Easter all of us and she seemed so awake and okay but that is always a bad sign. We dyed Easter eggs and even hid them - hilarious because the boys are kind of old for that but who cares. We had such a nice dinner and such a nice visit with her. Then yesterday we went to see her and she was having such trouble breathing and it was heart breaking. My sister and I prayed and held her hands and sat with her. She was so sweet. She actually looked very beautiful even though she was dying. My sister brushed her hair and she seemed to looooove it until one point she was like "ugh stop it" which was kind of hilarious. On Sunday she said to me "Now where do you fit in with all of this?" I told her which number born I was and she said "I always had a hard time figuring out where you fit in." I swear to God I thought that was when I was going to find out I was adopted or from a different father or something crazy like that. I look exactly like everyone so that's not possible but it was still strange. She died this morning and we all went to the hospital and sat with her. I held her hand again and my brother did also. He did it first and then I felt compelled to do so. Competitive? My brother and sister-in-law went and got bourbon and everyone did a toast to her but they brought me a coke which was so sweet. I was so happy I could be there and I prayed and loved her. Poor things mouth was wide open and one eye was partly open. I swear I think I'm in shock still - I never thought this day would come. 94 years old. My sister took me to a meeting and came to the meeting last night here and it was WONDERFUL. So totally wonderful. The people were funny and nice and it was in the same place I signed up for swimming lessons when I was little. This adorable old park house in the center of town. I swear to God I had to stop myself from taking pictures it was such a cute building. So New England. I think the buildings are from the colonial times. The windows look out to a red barn and the grass and - wow - jesus.....poor Grandma died this morning. I felt so bad for my grandfather. He said she knew 2 months ago. We went to the beach today....this is such a strange trip - it's absolutely beautiful and yet so totally sad. I found out that the Forsythia is what is blooming out front and the tree with the green puff balls is a maple tree - maybe a sugar? Long post Blueberry and kind of all over the place - so glad I'm here.

On the farm....

daffodils are blooming and different trees that I don't know the names of. A bright yellow bushy thins and the tree outside this window has green puff balls all over it. We went and saw Grandma last night and she seemed pretty good - which is scary. She kept talking about
Hawaii - hilarious. My Grandfather looks really good and my uncle does not. I can't even talk about that and I feel so bad for my cousin because it really upsets her so much. She has been sleeping with my Grandma and she deserves a gold medal. I almost had a panic attack when we walked in the place but it was also 85% less traumatizing than I thought it would be. Thank goodness it isn't that cold.....I am so tired and I feel so gross. I need a shower and I want to go the beach. Oh dear I think I have PMS. People getting old is so sad but it is so much easier than someone getting taken right away - or too soon or - you know - ugh - painfully young. I need to shower - my sister is here which is soooo awesome!!! I decided to stay longer because she is here. I love her so much. Okay I have to go. Bye Blueb - looove you Daffodil face!!

I'm so nervous about this show

today and I just spent almost 40 minutes looking for something that was where I had first looked for it and where I thought I always left it. Holy fuck. The chord for the amp to the ukulele. I always leave it in the uke bag pocket along with my harmonica, the tuner and a book of chords. Jesus what drama. I started to think someone stole it (because those types of chords are SO hard to come by - not at all) and I went to FB and almost went to a persons page (not THAT one) who I shouldn't be looking at but instead I decided to look for meetings to go to before work. I feel so stressed out. But I'm in my life and it's okay. I actually went to bed last night and didn't stay up watching this DVD I have from Netflix. I got over 8 hours of sleep and I could have honestly slept more. I need to sleep a lot - that's all there is to it. So now that I CAN sleep I make the choice to do that instead of being crazy all day from not sleeping and watching shit that won't really help me anyway. My digestion gets so fucked up when I don't sleep - awful. Okay I need to pray and meditate at least 10 minutes. I can't believe how nervous I am about this - holy shit. Did I practice enough - is the song stupid - are they going to think I'm AWFUL? I don't really have time to wash my hair - holy fuck. Okay - okay - yes I'm going to pray and meditate and practice a little bit. Breathe - that's the big one - breathe. Okay yes breathe. Wowzers. Wish me a broken leg Blueb!!