Drilling in the wall.

It's actually the washing machine but it sounds like drilling. I actually called my father and asked him what was wrong with the machine - he told me and I told the landlord. He had the plumber come and do a bunch of things that had nothing to do with fixing the thing that was wrong. It's so loud - it's awful. I have to say something to him when I go down there. It's really more than I can take - I'm going to freak out and he definitely won't react well to that. Whenever anyone gets mad at him he says they are abusing them. Haha - that just made me laugh. It's so manipulative and ridiculous. Someone gets mad at him for this kind of stuff - even though they probably have been patient for months - and then he's like "Why are you being so cruel and abusive? What happened in your childhood that would make you react so poorly to me??" Well I can tell you what happened in my childhood when a washing machine was making a completely INSANE sound - SOMEONE WOULD FIX IT!!!! Christ. Did I tell you about his boyfriend who looks like his son? I'm not kidding - if someone saw them together they would only think father and son. Don't get me wrong - he seems much happier and the kid really seems to like him. So I guess it's nice except for the part where it makes me sick kind of. It just seems so - Lolitaish only not sexy and ew. Like - ew. I'm being mean. Yes YES I'm being mean and I LOVE IT!!! Give me a fucking break. Have you ever tried to meditate or even collect your thoughts for that matter and then someone starts doing something that sounds like drilling in your bathroom? All because he won't spend 300 dollars for a part. What a fucking asshole. Hopefully after I get out of the shower I will be calmer and I can say something. I can't wait to hear his excuse as to why the part hasn't been ordered or why it isn't fixed. He's such a fucking liar - and not a good one either. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a second grader. I will be like "Oh - oh really - so you met the Dali Lama underground with Richard Gere and a bunch of other important people and he said you were the one he was looking for?" Listen - it could be true - it really could. But the way he tells the story makes it sound like it's a lie and he has zero understanding for the fact that it sounds like a ridiculous story. Also I have caught him in flat out lies a million times anyway. Little ones, big ones, ones he forgets. He will tell me something and forget he said it and then when I ask him about it he can't remember what I'm talking about. I guess part of that is the marijuana. Look I like living here - why am I talking so much shit? I just got mad. I have to pee and I have to get ready and try to pray and meditate. I feel better today so I will be able to go about my planned events. Jeez. Jeez Louise.

I'm not feeling so well.

I've got a cold and it's bringing me down. This whole weekend is bringing me down. My friend wanted me to go to Ct. and I started feeling sick and then she cancelled anyway. I tried to call her and she never called me back and I was so worried that she was mad at me. I was totally freaking out and then she just sent me an email and cancelled. I feel so fucking gross. I have a clogged head and gross things are coming out of my nose. I feel like I gained 45 pounds and I look like I did. So I guess it was 2 weeks of just eating whatever I wanted and it finally caught up with me. I'm depressed and I am exhausted. I got home from going to a meeting and grocery shopping and the landlord was like "oh there's no heat." Then I realized there was no hot water. By the time it was 10:00 there was heat again but I was freezing and miserable and didn't WANT to take a shower anymore. And I NEED one - badly. I am having that "I need to wash my hair weirdo brain" thing that happens to me when I need to wash my hair really badly. I don't want to go do all the things I'm supposed to do tomorrow. Therapy, meditation meeting, show and walk a bunch all over the place. I'm fucking stressed out for fucks sake. And - fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel UGLY for crying out loud!!! I felt so amazing on Wednesday and now - after that horror weekend at work I feel sick and exhausted, dirty and gross. It was the worst weekend. Cut my finger on a pack of gum, got an entire tray of alcohol poured all down the front of me - I was SOAKED. I got punched (okay elbowed - HARD) by two different customers and it fucking HURT thank you very much. Then on Saturday I made not a lot of money,was so fucking rude and mean to this one bartender and ate the equivalent of a large pizza between the two days. Plus nachos, french fries and soda. THERE'S why I'm fat - SODA. Right because the pizza and everything else had nothing to do with it. Let's see - cheese sticks and one of those fancy thick chocolate bars also. What the fuck is going on with me? I've lost total control of myself. OH SHIT and last night I ate an entire thing of hummus with potato chips when I got home. I'm going to cry. I just sighed - a soft, sad sigh. I shared at the meeting I was at tonight and I felt so stupid. Why do I open my mouth? Why doesn't anyone love me? What am I supposed to do with my life? Who am I? I don't feel well is all. Why do I lie? Why do I bullshit? Why do I watch entire series of shows and then think that my life is something like that? Why am I sick right now? I feel like I made a mistake - how can I be sick AGAIN? I never used to get sick. Now I'm just sick all the fucking time. Depressing. I need to go to bed. Fuck - I'm already stressed out about this week. I guess I will just have to see how I feel tomorrow. Bye.

Hi Friday!

So far I walked the dog, went and got coffee (x2), ate my breakfast, made the bed, took my vitamins and supplements, ummm I guess that's all. I cleaned up a little bit also. I'm going to prune my flowers and then get in the shower and go write with my cousin. Work was horrendous last night. I acted like an a-hole and I didn't make that much money. I also got annoyed at the cab driver and that's not fair. I didn't get to take a shower before I left because I was getting my ticket for the wedding and I really - I think it effected me. Possible affected me. I also didn't pray or meditate and FOR SURE that affected/effected me. I didn't get that much sleep last night but I am so glad I woke up in time to do all the things I need to do to feel okay and also NOT blow off my cousin. Soooo - I guess I better go so I can pray and meditate because I almost forgot that part. Holy long day ahead. Oh my gosh this snow is doing amazing things for my body!! It's even more of a work out walking everywhere - I love it. I love it for now anyway. Talk to you later Blueb - love your face. That seems strange. Love your face. Okay - byyyeeee.

So many amazing bands!!

Fitz and The Tantrums, Mumford and Sons, James Morrison and me. What?? I know - I had to add myself. I love great music. I have shows tonight and I'm nervous. I'm nervous about the one at 11:00 because I wasn't very good on that one the last time I did it - at all. But I have been wrtiting and performing and having fun onstage so that should - well - uuumm - jeez - that should mean that this time I will at least have fun. Okay - it's late but that's okay - I'm up until all sorts of crazy hours anyway. I just had some eggs and swiss cheese and it was so delicious. Sooo - I think I'm avoiding actually getting in the shower and going. I need to buy my plane ticket for my cousin's wedding and for some reason it wouldn't work last night. Okay - gotta go Blueb - if I had a new band it would be called Blueb. I miss playing music although nothing is stopping me!!! Byeee :):)

I have fallen in love with

The Riches and because of that show - The Weepies. I LOVE both. I am IN love with both. Too soon? It's 3:59 p.m. (even though my computer says a.m. because I don't know how to fix it) and I feel very tired and done and I have only been up for an hour and a half. I was watching The Riches until 7:00 a.m. I did another show last night and it was SO much fun while I was performing. I loved it. I do love it. I have an actual real show tomorrow night and that open mike first. Oh and another show I wanted to go to in between. I really don't feel like leaving Harlem at all right now. I should go to my meeting and get some food. I'm in my pajamas still. I think I will put on comfy clothes and go even though I don't want to. Yes and get some food. Come back here and write and watch shows. Fuuuuunnnn. I think if I just stay here I will get depressed. I KNOW I will. Okaaay sooo that's all I have. Holy shit I'm so tired. Tonight I'm going to bed at a decent hour. Byyeeeee Blueb!!!

Penelope.

I just watched a really cute movie called Penelope. It's about a girl with a pig nose who basically just needs to love herself the way she is - or someone for that matter - but she ends up doing it first and then the pig nose would go away. The curse of the pig nose I should say. A modern day fairy tale it was. I loved the visuals in the movie and the colors and I LOVE fairy tales. I also happen to love pigs and oddities of all kinds. I went to a show tonight in Park Slope. IT was fucking FREEZING but I'm so glad I/we went. I went with my same comedy buddy and I saw people from years ago. It was fun. I feel more inspired. I went to a new meeting tonight and there were soooo many cute guys. SO cute. I was all excited until I found out my 2 favs were gay(#1 guy) and YOUNG(#2 guy). I mean young like not done growing yet and gay like GAY. I tried the "Who cares if he's gay my ex-husband was gay and we still got married" justification but I ended the argument right at that. My friend said something to me that I found very interesting. She said if she's at a meeting to heal her spiritual problem and she's thinking about guys all the while she's there then her purpose isn't really fulfilled. At this moment I'm having trouble as to why that's a bad thing but at the time it seemed profound. I was so upset at that show because I wasn't getting special attention at first. Can you imagine? The same thing happens when I'm waitressing - I really expect to be treated special somehow. That being said I'm really going to work on how I am at work. I get so off myself. That's all there is to it. I would like to work on staying on my feet. I don't know how else to explain it. Keeping myself centered. When I got home last night I took a shower and did some yoga and that helped SO much. So mother fucking much. I'm going to do that right now. Bye Blueb - I love you. p.s. My landlord/house mate is banging the FUCK (HA!!) out of his "boyfriend" right now for the past 2 1/2 hours. Jeez.

Life goes

slowly on. I have a weird pain in my body - I can't describe it even. I swear - I have to stop watching shows. And movies. I think I'm really freaking out on Netflix - and Blockbuster and Hulu. I needed to do that when I wasn't feeling well still but I feel much better and there are other life choices I can be making. I mean living. There are other life choices I could be DOING that would be more living like. Holy cow. It's coooold out today. Not that I've been outside but I read it's cold. The pain in my body is like I sprained my butt. But on the inside and nothing to do with my colon. I think I walked to hard on my right ankle. Okay well I have to go to work. It was slow last night!! I still did okay. Deep breath in and go!!!