Love sucks or

just doesn't do anything I should say. It's completely frustrating to not be able to have a relationship OR even just an unhealthy sex life. I can't go back and I don't know what to do. I feel - dorky. Not ugly necessarily but STUPID and awkward. It's so painful. I'm so annoyed. And I'm also COLD right now. I worked last night and now I don't feel well again. I saw Soft Hugger last night and he was sitting across from me and do you know what he did? He MOVED one seat over so he wouldn't be directly across from me. Ha - ugh - how uncomfortable is that? I'm so grumpy. I will feel better after a shower. A shower, some Yoga with my friend and yummy lunch. Yummy lunch. Fooooood. I want to eat fooooood. We are going to Angelica's Kitchen - I looove that place. I haven't been in years. Not since I moved to Harlem. Actually - not since I moved to Williamsburg. Ugh - sadness. I made great money at work last night. On the way home the girl I took a cab with told me that I'm simple. Then she said - ugh must be nice to be you - "but it would drive me crazy." This is the same girl who ALWAYS tells me what a drunk I used to be. LIKE I FUCKING ASKED HER OR like I don't remember. She's young but really?? I just feel - awful. I hope this changes. I just really hope it does.

I feel much better

today - like perhaps the cold is at bay. I have to say that I also feel like this new road to health is very tedious. Very slow and it seems, so time consuming. So - slooooowwww. I did all the right things last night and today to be healthy. Ate all the right foods and drank my teas and had water and - ALL of it. Today while I was eating my breakfast I remembered one time when I was younger (much younger) - maybe in the 6th grade?? I had a huge knot in my hair - under all of my other hair at the nape of my neck. It looked like a rats nest under all my other hair. I suppose it started as a small knot that I ignored and keep brushing over until it became HUGE. Mind you I have and had tons of hair so for awhile no one noticed it because the hair I was combing over it covered it. Well eventually my mother noticed and freaked out and my sister combed it out of my head for me. It took HOURS. Can you imagine untangling a knot that took weeks to get there? I was washing my hair and combing over it. I had one huge dread lock. Gross. Well I was so frustrated by how long it took my sister to get it out and she said something to the affect of - we can cut it out?? So she got it out and I was so relieved and then it happened again. This time she got it out but she wasn't gentle AT ALL and my mother was really annoyed this time that I let my hair get like that. So that was the last time I got one of those knots. Well this path to healing feels like I am untangling a huge knot inside my self. I swear it's so crazy how tangled everything is. I have to say though that I really don't want to do this again. I would rather just really stay on this healthy path. I don't feel solidly on it at all. And the knot is still there - I can feel it. I can see it in my mind's eye. Part of it is untangled - but only part. And honestly there is nothing I can do to speed it up. I just have to keep going everyday on the healthy path. What I find odd is the resting. I rested yesterday and took care of myself and now I feel much better. That blows my mind. It is so against my nature. I would have years ago just ignored it and pushed myself. Puuuuushed myself. Ugh - how miserable. So now I rest. Go figure. I will see my friend tomorrow so it all worked out okay anyway. So bizarre and even as I write this part of me doubts that resting is the right thing to do. Ha - well I'm just going to have to trust that it is. For REAL. Thank you for shopping at Blueberries and Dreams - come back again real soon!!!

Where did my post from

earlier today go?? I wrote about how guilty I felt for not seeing my friend today because I felt sick. Then I wrote that I didn't want to get her sick so it was actually the right thing to do by staying home. I slept 12 hours and I had to do a LOT of self-care to feel even okay to work. I tried not to work but it's busy because of the holiday week. Anyway I - ugh - I don't know. I'm looking forward to the holidays being over and I'm also looking forward to being done with this UNDA stuff so I can really be healed now. I can't keep getting sick. Since Saturday I have been fighting off being sick. Okay - well - look - I was unhealthy for a long time. Of course this is hard and I will get better. I had no coffee today - just green tea. How boring is this blog? Jesus Christ. I am so fucking hard on myself about everything. I have to sleep. I think my friend might be mad at me. If I went skating outside today I would have gotten sooooo sick. But doesn't that also sound like so much fun? I feel like I'm missing out on life still. I have no money to buy things for people - no time it seems like and I'm always sick. Alright well - there I said it. I have to go to sleep. Thank you for being here Blogg - I might be boring but I find you fascinating.

Christmas was lovely and

it ended too soon. I'm fighting off a cold again and for most of the day yesterday I really didn't feel well. I traveled back today from Ct. to the city and I got out of work and just stayed home. I start to beat myself up because I can't do more. I took a nap for 2 hours and then I watched a terrible Meg Ryan movie and 4 episodes of Better Off Ted. I love that show. I talked to someone on the phone who is in a lot of pain and it really made me appreciate that my life is different now. Leaning towards different anyway. I ate too much Chinese food. I cancelled my plans for tomorrow as I don't think that ice skating outdoors will do me any good at all. It's also still so snowy here - our street hasn't even been paved - which is mind blowing to me. I just don't feel well. And it upsets me and I want to do a million things and be a SUPER person but I can't. Ugh I can't write anymore I'm getting upset. I have the humidifier on and I'm drinking detox tea. I ate very poorly for 4 days so I can't imagine that has helped any. Well today - tomorrow is a new day and hopefully after a good night's rest I can begin my health regime with a fervor and really get clean. I miss my friend so much but I just feel gross and I can't get really sick again - I just can't. It's so hard for me to take care of myself. Do you know what I just realized?? I don't want to get HER sick either. Huh - wow - duh. Right - maybe it's good I kept writing - I figured something out. I loved being with my family but I guess it's good I am back here and back to my routine. Goodnight Blueberry.

Well just as I was about to REALLY

and I mean REALLY lose my shit at work again tonight - the door guy gave me this cupcake. I could not stay miserable with a thing this hilarious. It was a multi-layered chocolate butter cream filled cupcake. It's HUGE!!! It was so funny. Huge and decorated so - decoratively. So funny and SO nice. Then he gave me good tables and - ugh - I don't know. One of the owners was like - "What did you do to deserve that??" And I had to stop myself from saying "Oh - I just acted like a complete asshole." Ugh - it's the job - it's waitressing. I want it to be fulfilling and amazing and fruitful and that's not what happens at waitressing jobs. I'm so tired. I have to get up so early to get on a 9:17 a.m. train to Ct. Oh dear - there was much more love there tonight but honestly it's ridiculous - that's all. Things will change somehow. I'm not sure how but they will. I will keep changing my perspective I guess and keep trying to - control myself? I don't know - I'm too tired. I'm so excited for fresh air and family tomorrow!! Christmas Tree Farm here we come. Merry Christmas Blueberry Blogg!!!

Well it was worse

than I thought it would have been at work and just as I was about to really lose my mind I left. I still had one table that was sitting there and I should have stayed to clean the table but since I was really going to lose my mind I left. One of the girls asked to share a cab home and she was going to be another 30 minutes PLUS she gets so annoyed when I go get soda water after we leave and since she told me to go get it BEFORE we left (can you fucking imagine the nerve??) I DID and then I had nowhere to put the soda water and I was so fucking annoyed that I had made no money and I was waiting for her and she wasn't even finished or even trying to finish - it was too much I left. How's that for a run-on sentence? Okay - so the job sucks - well guess what??? I need that sucky job and I'm not going to hurt myself by quitting. But I can also tell you that I can not take it seriously. And you know what? I don't really know if the place will be fucked up by the way they are running it - I really have no idea. Maybe it will be fine. Well I want to kill myself every time I leave there and that can't happen. I need a new job. But why is my life like this? Why am I so trapped still in this type of life where I feel like not only am I not taken care of but I don't even have the option to be taken care of. It paralyzes me. It's awful. I came home and took care of myself and Frenchie. I also did some laundry and put flowers in vases. But I live in this beautiful house and yet my room has water damage in it - one wall looks so crazy and there is also paint peeling off of other parts of different walls. Well. So when I was growing up - the house was so old - the farm house - and the walls were always so fucked up. Peeling wallpaper, walls that were falling down - in pieces - the plaster - you know? It was also a beautiful place to grow up but also - bizarre and somehow - not good walls. One bedroom I had I bought a bunch of blue flannel sheets and staple gunned them all over the room. The ceilings and all the walls. It made the room look like a cloud. They billowed out and all over the place because the walls were a really weird shape and there was a - what the heck do you call it?? Cable? Cable wall? A diagonal wall - whatever that is called - there was one - and the room was so oddly shaped also. Well - so the sheets billowed out and the affect was very cloud like. Another time on a door I covered it top to bottom on both sided with different pictures I cut out of magazines. The paint was peeling off the door and it drove me crazy so I made it into what looked like a giant vision board. The rooms were connected by that door. Such an odd setup. I want this to be such a great story but it isn't. It's making me cry that I live in this crazy fucking house and it feels like the house I grew up in. Why have I created this again in my life? All this work I do all the time and I feel like I am getting nowhere. I've recreated this trapped, insane life. It's so painful. Who cares - it's just a house - it doesn't matter. I have my own bathroom and I'm safe. I just wish I could take better care of myself and have OPTIONS or - I don't know. Some sense of personal power and freedom. I don't mean to be ungrateful and - I'm so confused. And I know that I haven't - what? I thought Soft Hugger loved me a little bit but I was wrong. He likes me - he's a nice person - for sure - but it's not going to happen. And - now - now this job is so upsetting. I couldn't even look at my manager tonight. It's all too hard. I'm looking at things wrong - from the wrong perspective - I know I am. I got to have so many pets growing up. I have never not had cats, dogs, hamsters - always - tons of animals. I love animals. I always had home cooked meals and my Mother was there everyday that I got home from school. So the walls were falling down - I had cats and dogs. That was me trying to be funny. Toys at Christmas. I feel like I'm going to barf - I can't stop crying. The snake doctor said to feel everything is the goal - goal? Did he say goal? He said to feel really bad is brilliant because then I am REALLY healing. I don't know what he said. I need to go to bed. I just really think I need to change my perspective. My soul hurts. I am so happy I am going home Saturday morning. I need to be with my family. I am so grateful for them. Okay - did someone slip me some hormones? Christ - I am a disaster. I am so upset. The snake doctor said not to judge myself. Feel everything without judgement. Oh - okay. Okay - I will try. Blueberries - please let me get through this. Amen.

Depressed and bored and

tired. I should have gone downtown to that show last night and then I should have gone home and gone swimming today. I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon and I feel so depressed. Of course my landlord woke me up so early but I put in earplugs and went back to sleep. I get the feeling he is going to hide my Netflix. Why?? Why would he do that? I'm feeling not good all of a sudden. I have to go to work and I don't want to. I don't even want to bother - what's the point? I'm not going to make money and it will just be frustrating. I need a new job. Am I having a bad attitude right now because I need to shower and wash my hair? I'm still annoyed about yesterday and walking around in my clothes and planning my day around working - only I never got to work. She put me on last for swing - I was never going to get to work. I need to take myself off of working on Monday. Do I? I hate that girl so much. I hate working there and I don't want to look or talk to anyone. Ugh I have to see my other manager who was such a dick to me. This is so bad. Oh dear - I'm going to really have to - ugh - I don't know. This is awful - I just want to go back to bed. 5 minutes of prayer and meditation will help. Why doesn't a man or any men love me?? That made me laugh a tiny bit. I'm not hot and sexy anymore. Am I never going to have sex again? The snake doctor said that when I'm feeling bad it's really good, really great because then I am feeling. I'm feeling everything and just know that it will pass. Wow. Well I feel gross!! Brilliant I suppose. Talk to you later Blogg.