I feel much better and I also feel hope.

Trust me that was NOT easy to say and of course because I said it it's making me freak out. However - this is what happened. My alarm went off at 7 a.m. and that meant I had about 3 hours of sleep. Well I instantly fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Still not enough sleep and now I had a half hour to get to the eye clinic in time (well according to the time she told me to be there at). So I fell back asleep after I decided that I didn't need to be there by 9 - I could get there at 11 - 10? I don't know what I was thinking as I kept waking up and telling myself whatever and then going back to sleep. At some point I decided that I had to go to the holistic doctor at 2 and that I would ask him about my eye. Which is exactly what I did. He said it's my liver. I finally got an eye wash kit - with the little cup and I came home and used it and it seemed better instantly. I needed to sleep so I slept. I got lost on my way to the doctor and I was so upset - it was raining and my phone wouldn't work and I didn't recognize anything even though I had been there 2 weeks ago. I finally got his secretary on the phone and she was SO nice - so nice. Then he looked at all my stuff - reviewed everything and asked me if I thought this was a good path for healing and if it was going to be okay for me money wise. But before that he said I was a good candidate for this type of healing. Well - I said yes and then he gave me some papers and some different things to start to take and do and then he said I need to be nice to myself. To make a serious commitment to be kind to myself. I said it's so hard and he said it's hard for all of us. But that it's so important for my healing. I'm still amazed. He's a nice guy and all the things he said to do are inexpensive (for the most part) and just - he's a nice, smart doctor who said for me to be nice to myself. Holy shit. So I walked to get the dog's special food, talked to a friend who really needed to talk, had some eggs, went to a meeting and answered the door because no one was there to do it. Now I have another person in my life telling me that it's okay to be nice to myself. I have no idea if his liver theory is correct but I'm going to look it up after this. I can say this - I'm glad I didn't completely make myself crazy by getting 3 hours of sleep and spending more money by going to the clinic. And I didn't stuff my face today but I enjoyed my food. And now I'm going to ween myself off of coffee - for real. He said I should start to slow down and it's time. Do you know it makes me think - oh - now I won't be able to drink coffee with my parents. I can drink water - or tea. It's okay. I cleaned tonight and washed my sheets. I soaked my feet in epsom salts and cut my toenails. I put on clean pajamas and I drank water. I flossed and put a cucumber mask on. One of those ones that when you peel it off looks like your skin is coming off - love it. I seriously need so much healing now around my actual physical body. I stopped poisoning myself with drugs and alcohol and I detoxed from it. Now I need to heal. Holy shit - now that I'm not eating myself through this or completely going overboard with coffee - I can feel how my body needs to heal. I have feeling part of why I got so depressed was from not only being at work too much but from eating all that pizza and - pizza. I had 4 pieces of pepperoni pizza on Saturday night and I had a piece on my way TO work. Really? And a handful of peanut M&M's and a handful of skittles. Oh and I was drinking soda water with cranberry juice in it and our cranberry juice is LOADED with corn syrup. All of that and I'm an alcoholic - I get upset. Is that a thing I can say? I can say this - I WAS SO GLAD that I didn't drink yesterday or smoke pot or do something else to hurt myself. I really thought that today that I wasn't hung over. I was sober and I was so happy for that. I hope that I will get stronger. But it did pass - I no longer feel as horrible and I do indeed feel hopeful about this new path of healing. Another bunch of tools - and they seem to make sense. I'm going to look up the liver eye thing. Goodnight Blueberries - thank you for being you.

I can't sleep

and I've been laying there for over 2 hours. I feel a little better. Perhaps because I did not let myself eat myself out of this place. I spoke to my sponsee and that got me out of myself. I just wish I could stop having the past flood up in my memories and fill me with regret. What is the point of regret? No point. I need to move on. How? Maybe I will feel better after the holistic doctor. Maybe I will feel better after I adjust to not eating myself through my feelings. Maybe I feel badly because I took Benedryl for 2 weeks and it made me sleep and maybe I didn't need so much sleep that wasn't authentic. Inauthentic sleep. Inauthentic anything blows. I'm trying to think of me taking care of myself and my life as if I were a baby. As if I were my own parent. Seems ridiculous yet at the same time - quite possible a good idea. What would I do? How would I take care of me? No wonder no one reads this - how ugh - self-centered. REALLY? Because I want to be okay and I'm trying everything in my brain power to be okay? Christ - it's good for fucks sake. I think I think I cheated by taking Benedryl. I didn't need it the last couple of nights - the cold was gone - but I took it anyway. I told my friend. She's very short. Tiny. So small - I feel like a giant around her and I'm not that tall. And her sponsor is SO tall. Taller than my sister who is tall and she's tall!! Christ how am I going to get to this doctor by 9? The other doctor by 2 and somehow a meeting? And I have yet to go to the gym. Meaning I signed up for it - I pay for it - but I don't go. Huh. That would probably make me feel better. For sure. How would I take care of myself if I were my own parent and I were a baby? How about just a child. A person parenting themselves? When I was at therapy tonight and I was so negative I said to her I'm sorry for being so negative and she asked me why I thought it was bad. Then she said that if I'm feeling negative and I express it then that's good. Or okay at least. OF course - I shouldn't sit on that energy. Ugh this is so hard. This year of sobriety feels so much harder than last year. This is so intense and not fattening. Just can't do it though. The eating doesn't work anymore. I don't know how to do what's right really yet but I can tell you that numbing things doesn't feel good anymore either. So now I just have to relearn and at the same time make some wise choices for myself. Maybe I should become an art teacher. Maybe I should do some more shows. Maybe I should write a book. I can complain for 200 pages. I will call it "I Complained For 200 Pages." I will get someone real miserable to write the foreword. I want a better life and that is good. I can move home and still come to the city. Why does that make me so sad? Where would I go? Live? I would need a car and a job. A real job. I need some guidance. I need to pray I guess. "Please Dear Lord Help Me Raise Myself Better Than The Last 40 Years." It will be the sequel to my first book. Not as funny as I thought it would be. I don't feel safe creatively here. Big part of my problem. Lots of things need to change. Well - okay - now that that is all cleared up - goodnight.

Went to therapy

and told her how depressed I am and how I want to move. I hate living here - I hate it. I am sick of waitressing and I no longer - ugh - why am I writing? I am miserable. I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I need to make some better choices for myself but I have no confidence in myself. I wish something would happen. I wish someone would love me. I wish - I don't know. I wish I had some money - do I? I am so fucking depressed. I need to rest. I am going to say that tomorrow will be a better day - even though I'm not sure I believe that. Bye Blueberry.

Totally depressed

I worked last night - picked up the shift - and of course only one chick made good money. Why does this chick get to do whatever she wants? she's an asshole and she always makes the most money - fuck - I wouldn't even care except that I have a fucked up eye and I need to go to the doctor. I am so not okay. I am over it. It's done - I'm done. I am exhausted,old and I can't get it back. I can't get my drive back for comedy and acting. I am so filled with hate and misery right now. I must not be in the right place - doing the right thing. I can't even get out of bed. I'm so tired. I am going back to that holistic doctor tomorrow and I'm just going to have to wait till then to deal with my eye. I have a feeling that it isn't good. Really? I have had a bad eye for months now. It started in the summer time. I'm so depressed and I hate my life. I hate my job, I hate living here - it's fucking ridiculous - it's total doucheness all the time. I'm upset - I'm not saying nice things. Why should I? People are assholes and they get what they want. This chick has been making all the money for months and she's traveling for all of December and then not coming back because she's moving to LA. Oh that's nice - so I can't afford to GO TO THE DOCTOR but she can travel all over the place. I have no health insurance (my fault), I'm a waitress (my fault), live in a crazy house (my fault), divorced - ugh I am very upset. I just don't see the point. I have therapy today and honestly it's too much work. I can't take it. I'm done. It's all too much. My manager was over and hour late yesterday. Then she sat there and ate lasagna. She made more money than me last night and she just bought a new car. I fucking hate her. How do you not show up to a job on time where you don't have to DO ANYTHING? It's SO FUCKING RUDE. And my other manager asked me to do something for the Christmas party but has yet to send us what it is he wants us to do. It's over. I'm going to be 40 in July and who the fuck am I kidding? It's not going to change. I'm not going to get inspired - nothing is going to change - I'm never going to be an actress and my dreams have died. I need to move somewhere warm. I need health insurance and to either go back to school or get a real job. It's over, it's done. Forget it. I wish I could be happy somehow but I don't see that in my near future or even in my future. Forget it.

Lord

help me please. My weird eye thing is back. It's all red and it looks horrendous and it hurts a little bit. To be honest I can't tell if it hurts but it looks like it hurts. I'm sinking. work was lame last night and I have to pay rent - when? Oh boy - Wednesday. Hmmmm - I'm not so sure how that is going to happen. Well awesome. I'm frustrated for real. I should walk to work. I would have been sort of okay but I missed 2 nights of work from being sick and then I missed Thursday because they were closed for Thanksgiving. You know I just can sit here and complain, more or I can pray/meditate and then try to get myself walking to work and buy myself some yummy dinner on the way. Call Her Lady Wonder. I can't get depressed. I will go to the doctor tomorrow and I will go back to the Holistic doctor on Tuesday. And I will give him as much rent as I can. Not sure what else to do. Just keep going - keep my head above water. And I will try to enjoy swimming. I know and tonight at work I will ask my boss about going up onstage there. Hmmm - yes - for real. Okay - I have my missions for the day. I will make the best of it. Aggg - so tricky - keeping it light is so tricky!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and

oh dear. Well it was a nice day - I went to a very nice party in Midtown and the apartment was beautiful and filled with so much warmth and love. It has a view of the city that is amaaaazing - really gorgeous. I came home and spent some time here with everyone celebrating, which was much less drug and alcohol infused than I thought it was going to be. I talked to my Mom, my best friend and my sister and that was great. But oh dear Blogg now I'm upset. I'm so upset and I have to write it out and get it out of me. This is so silly but I guess it had to happen. So last Sunday Soft Hugger hugged me only I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to get him sick so it was awkward - to say the least. Then I went outside and he joked about something and I said bye and that was nice. So of course in my brain a relationship is growing between us. I laughed when I wrote that because it's funny and it's so ridiculous. Well I'm embarrassed to write this but I looked at his FB page and he wrote something to someone who I know and it got me so upset. I've seen him write to her before and a mutual friend of all of us told me she liked him - months ago and then I remembered all of that, got upset, decided he loves her, and than I got more upset. Let me also say he and I are NOT friends on FB. And then I started to ACTUALLY get depressed. And she's a comedian and WAY more successful than I am or have ever been and now I feel sick. I did a show the other night and it was fun and a really cute room that was packed with people. Some friends came and Larni and I had fun laughing in the back waiting to go up. Then we went to the diner afterwards and wrote until 2:30 in the morning. So much fun - so comedy. Well then all of a sudden I feel upset. I will never catch up, I will never be that funny, I will never be loved by someone who I love, why am I being mean to myself? Ugh - okay I feel like this is good in a way and that it had to happen. I can't have a boyfriend right now - especially an imaginary one. And I really need to think about this comedy thing. Thing?? I just - I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can not do it. I'm tired and now I'm getting sad. Larni asked me if I would just be happy supporting my husband in his career (if I had one) and having his babies. I was like uhhh - I don't know? NO - NO is the answer. No I wouldn't be - what the fuck? Not drinking and doing drugs is so much easier now and the really amazing thing is that I am soooo much more social and able to be charming - sober. I love people - I don't need booze to lighten up/ease up/open up. I loved being sober and social yesterday. For sure. But I'm so confused about the comedy. My art. Love. Jesus. It's making me beat myself up for some reason. Well since I know I am I can stop. Here's the thing - maybe I should just take another year - the rest of the year till next September to be celibate still. Give myself the rest of this year to focus on my art and see what happens. Really? How lame does that sound? But I can't get all in my head about someone. I have to focus on myself in a healthy way. Well why don't I just say that. I'm going to focus on me in a healthy way - open myself up to art and see where it takes me. I'm going to meditate and ask to be shown the right way. I have to work tonight. I need inspiration. I really do. But I also need to be nice to myself. Really nice. Thanks for being here. You are the best listener ever Blue!!!

Okay

I decided staying here was for the best - I slept 12 hours last night so I obviously am still not feeling well. It's an open mike so there is no pressure and well - this is the decision I made so okay. Plus I have to greet today at the meeting so I'm glad to be of service. Is my energy ever going to come back? I got paid for Jury Duty - awesome. I also went to the store and bought coffee to make at home instead of going to the bodega and drinking their nasty coffee. Please I would have drank it but there were about 20 12 year old kids trying to get food so I left. I am definitely drinking less coffee. Fuck I'm scared - what if I never find my flow again? Seriously?? All I seem to want to do is watch movies and TV shows and - go to meetings and work once in awhile. Okay - I need to calm down. Calm down. But if I'm really going to pursue this I need to do it everyday. Okay - so go to a meeting everyday, write everyday (oh I also have been writing) and then perform everyday? Night? How am I going to watch 4 to 7 hours of television/movies/hulu? Jesus. I need to take my vitamins. This coffee tastes good. Oh dear - oh boy - I just have to break out of this cycle of being retired. I always said when I was little that I wanted to grow up to be retired. Who says that? "When I grow up I want to be retired." Well I changed my mind thank you very much. Yeesh. Bye Blue - I will talk to you later.