The Green Plate.

Not a cookbook name.  I am going to tell you about last night.  First of all I will tell you right now it feels like I have a very full plate and maybe I do - in fact - I do.  I have a lot going on and it's wonderful but feels overwhelming.  I'm still recovering from chemo and I am tired.  Okay well - okay.  Today I went to therapy and talked to her about money and my lack of it and what I am doing to make more of it and do you know what she said?  She said it helps to talk about it - it relieves the pressure, stress and anxiety of it.  It makes it seem much less like it is something that isn't possible.  I did feel better afterwards but GOD - it's all so uncomfortable.  Also okay.  I have learned to be so much more comfortable being uncomfortable in the right way.  I used to sit for hours and hours with people who I couldn't STAND because I wanted their drugs.  That was uncomfortable in the wrong way.  Now I do things like take the train, then the subway, then walk 15 minutes so I can go to therapy and talk about how difficult it is to be the age I am and have zero dollars.  And what I plan on doing about it.  Even though - I don't want to talk about it.  I also don't want to do anything about it - I want to lay down and REST.  For 5 months in some glorious vacation spot.  I don't even know if that's true.  It's partially true.  I would like to rest more but also - I rest.  I take so much better care of myself than I used to.  I cook super healthy, delicious food.....I take healthy snacks with me.....water...vitamins....supplements.....green drinks.....prayer...meditation....showers!  I take so many showers!  Body brush.  Yeah okay......I sleep and don't go do shows in the middle of the night when I have to be up the next day.....soooooo - about last night....

My guy and I went to go speak at a rehab.  We brought a meeting there actually.  The rehab is located in the hospital where I was diagnosed with cancer.  Ugh.  So we go to this rehab right?  And I start to talk about my story...expecting people to laugh...only no one is laughing.  And every time I looked up to look at someone they shifted their eyes away.  Everyone was in pajamas and had these gigantic sippy cups that were plastic.  There were old people, super young people and everyone was - not okay.  People shared and they were scared and confused and RAW.  It really really really was eye opening to me and it really made me remember I'm an alcoholic and I could be them again at any point.  So yeah - just as I write this I am like - okay I am overwhelmed - okay - fine and a lot of shit has gone done...cancer....treatment....but holy shit - being newly sober was so hard.  I honestly think it was harder than cancer because I was so angry and I felt so alone and outside of myself.  I could never figure out what the fuck was going on and I was so FAR away from any art.  It was heart breaking.  But more than heart breaking it was the ANGER.  It was - awful.  I don't know how else to say it.  I had no tools and the anger kept poisoning me.  I don't even know how I stayed sober but I am so grateful I did.

So I want to keep it green.  I am an alcoholic and my primary purpose is to stay sober and help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety.  So.  So I might have a full plate but I am keeping it a green plate.  I have nothing if I am not sober.  I 100% do not care if that sounds lame it's true. 

So I am going to continue to go to rehabs.  There you go.  Keeping my plate - green.

Byeeeee.

10 Minutes To A More Manageable Life.

That's the name of the book my guy wants to write.  Every time he says it we laugh and I laugh really hard.  I have no idea what it means but I think it's so funny.  I think it might mean - wake up 10 minutes earlier, get places 10 minutes earlier I don't know.  I have to say I have been writing for 10 minutes every day in my journal and it's really helping.  I did already say this last time right?  Anyway I have a ton of things to do today.  It's a super busy weekend and I am blessed to have a nice full life.  I am also blessed that now I feel better!  I am not 100% or really even close - well much closer though but I feel a lot better.  I still have to rest and I can't push myself but I am able to have a day.  Today will be a day and a night!  My acting teacher has a movie about his life coming out and we are going to the premiere.  I am so so excited!!  My other acting teacher made the movie.  I hope it is as magical as they have been in my life and hundreds of other actors.  Thousands?  I mean he's been teaching for 60+ years!!  I just took a poop and then my ankle felt better.  WEIRD.  Anyway I have a show tonight and I need to get ready.  It's been a stressful week with my mother being sick and helping them so I am looking forward to a nice evening with my guy and this movie and a show for me.  I am already so tired but it's a good tired.  Um I feel like I have so much else to say but that's it for now.  As my first acting teacher says I am just going to breathe.  I am so lucky that I have had so many amazing teachers.  Love you Bluebie!

Keeping The Channel Open

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others” 

That is a quote by Martha Graham.  My acting teacher has quoted it many times and right now at this point in my life it is speaking to me.  REALLY speaking to me.  Here is what is happening.  On many levels I am healing.  My past, my childhood and my body from cancer and cancer treatment.  I am lucky and blessed.  I have a lot of help and I need it.  I am realizing 2 things about myself that have been core truths that I have "chosen" loosely to live by - although I don't think it was completely conscious.

First what my Grandmother told me a couple years before she died.  She told me "Well no one ever told you you were good at anything - so - you're not."  BOOM.  Mic drop.  OUCH.  Well it's fucking true.  I am actually good at a lot of things but what I really want to do I never thought I was good at - or that it was an option to DO - full-time as a career or to help facilitate my life.  Which brings me to the second one...

Second....I have always thought I can't have what I want.  Period.  Again - core truth that isn't necessarily true or at least that is what I am finally figuring out.  When people ask what are your wildest dreams??  I DONT EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING.  I just don't think it's possible so why even think of it.  GROSS.  So there it is.  2 core truths that are not helpful or true. 

So I am sitting here in my office which I have finally decide to use as my office - instead of using the couch as my office.  I am in here writing.  I am going to keep my mother-fucking channel open by being just as fucking creative as I want to be until the jobs come where I can get paid and support myself and my family doing this.  I am in essence going to get the fuck out of my own way.  I can tell me now what I am good at.  I am good at this - creative expression.  I have passion, discipline and focus.  I am alive.  I lived now through 2 life threatening things and I have been taken care of.  So I am keeping my channel open. 

I have shows tonight.  I'm nervous.  The booker is going to be there and even though he continues to book me - I don't think he actually thinks I'm very funny - but what do I know.  That being said - I can still do the job.  I have so many fucking tools now.  I just need to do my work and whatever it is - it is.  Okay.  Well love you Bluebie - my God - what a life right?  Byeeeee.

Bonkers - The Musical!!!

Ugh - attitude right here right now.  Where have I BEEN.  I tried to run a half-marathon last week but got - well my leg hurt.  My leg has been hurting.  It's going to be fine it just needs to heal.  I am just so frustrated but I don't even know why.  I had off from the kids this week which is great but I am discombobulated.  I cooked yesterday and that felt good but now I am angry again.  I just have stuff I need to do and I am tired.  That's really what's happening is I am tired.  I am not the kind of tired I was when I was getting the chemo but I am sleepy.  I am feeling much better in general and even GOOD sometimes but the exercising REALLY helps.  So I am having trouble with that because of my knee.  I tried to go to a chiropractor.  I did go to a chiropractor.  He is also a holistic doctor and I have no idea what the fuck was going on but I am not going to be going back.  He took some scan of my spine and said I had all these problems in it and that's why my knee hurts?  He took an exray of my neck and said "See??  See all that damage you have?  And degeneration??"  And I was like "No??  It looks really good to me?"  Then I said "I don't understand why they didn't see this when I got a bone scan??"  He said "They didn't know what to look for."  THE PEOPLE WHO SCAN BONES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR?  Okay then he adjusted me - you know cracked my neck and then my legs felt better.  SO WHAT THE FUCK?  Maybe my neck is fucked up?  I don't know I am not explaining this well but he also couldn't tell me if he took my health insurance - they had to "see what was wrong with me" and then check.  I was like MY KNEE HURTS THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.  That's why I am here!!  Only I also secretly wanted this guy to be like "SEE - SEE THIS??  THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THRIVING IN LIFE AND WHY YOU GOT CANCER."  I mean I guess he sort of said that but it didn't make any sense and more than that it felt like bullshit.  He also cured himself of cancer somehow but it was incredibly unclear to me how he did that and he cried twice in front of me.  HE CRIED TWICE.  I did not know what to say.  I was like how the fuck is a doctor crying to me right now?  Um - okay.  Why am I so angry?  I guess because I wanted my fucking knee to feel better and for a day it did and now it hurts again and I didn't even really feel like that - fuck I don't even know what I am writing.  I guess this is a hormonal thing.  I will tell you what - exercising makes me feel so much better.  So I need to figure out a way to fucking do that.  It's fine.  ITS OKAY.  I guess I got caught up in this guys "business model" and I am embarrassed.  Yeah.  I'm just uncomfortable.  I'm uncomfortable and I want cute outfits.  I want a chef, a dog and a baby?  A baby???  A dog.  A cat?  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  I also haven't gotten onstage this week and that fucks with my head too.  Well I think this helped although it is probably super uncomfortable to read. Do you know what I just realized?  I can meditate again.  I CAN MEDITATE AGAIN.  Glorious.  Holy cow that just made me exhale.  I can do my hair, work on my office and meditate again.  Wonderful.  Love you Bluebie.

Well Everything Is Fine & Everything Has Changed.

The MRI was okay - there is a small "enhancement" that they have to keep an eye on - the same one that was there last time.  It's okay.  This is going to keep me going on the healthy food path.  The healthy everything path.  But after these last couple of weeks I am left with this....are you ready?

I FUCKING HAD CANCER. 

I not only had cancer but I had to go through 14 months of treatment and now my whole life has changed.  I'm suddenly in menopause and I have a mustache.

So.  So there you fucking go.  I am going to have to get tested for a long time and take really, really REALLY good care of myself.  Remember Radical Remission?  The book I read about the 9 things cancer patients did to heal themselves of cancer?  I looked at the list yesterday and one of them is INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS.  Hahahahahaaa.  I stood there looking at the list for 2 minutes straight dumb-founded.  I was like "What the fuck is that?  I typed up the list and I still didn't remember that and God knows I certainly don't DO IT.  So.  So how about that??  HA.. INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS OKAY.  I mean I try not to be completely upset all the time - I try to be serene and grateful but hole fuck increase positive emotions.  WOW.  SO okay.  Well anyway I got acupuncture yesterday and it helped.  I got back to going to a lot of meetings and today I also went to alanon.  It's a beautiful Spring day and we are going to a super cute place to celebrate my sponsors 26th anniversary!  I am going to enjoy my life.  But while I am doing that I am going to remember that I had cancer, and that my life has completely changed.  So this is part of who I am now and the chapter has not been closed.  It's not even a chapter - it's the fucking book man.  LOL.  I LOVE YOU BYE.

MRI

I have an MRI in the morning - of my breasts.  The ones they wanted to cut off because they are - a mess.  The ones I didn't and still don't - want to get rid of.  I'm fucking crying.  I am just upset.  I am worried and I think I just wasn't even thinking about this and instead let someone knock me off my peg, got a uti and now it feels like I have a yeast infection.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Okay so what do I do?  What do I really do?  I can't change anything - whatever is going on with my body is going on with my body.  My knee is killing me when I jog so I can't jog.  The guy said this is alcoholism trying to get at me and the build up of worry over this mri.  Okay it's just a lot of shit coming up for some reason too.  Okay okay let's get back to what I can do to make it through this day.  I can go get groceries and I can run a couple of errands before I go to the kids.  Then I can go to that meeting that's ina cabin in the woods.  I love that meeting.  I honestly don't think there's more cancer - but I think that - wait.  Wait a second.  I already had an mri after they finished the last horrible chemo.  That one was good.  Right.  I have so many tools and so much help I can turn to.  I don't have to do this alone and if I want to I can.  But I don't have to.  It's also just an incredibly unpleasant exam.  The needles, the blah blah, the sounds.  Okay but I can do it.  I can do it.  I have faith and love and I can do it.  I can be super scared and upset and do it.  I really can.  I guess I have learned how brave I can truly be.  This last couple of years of treatment and doing comedy has really shown me how brave I actually am.  Being brave when you have no idea how scary something is - is nothing compared to being brave when you are terrified and know EXACTLY how scary it is.  So okay. And hopefully one day I will get to the place that my snake doctor told me about where I ill have certainty that I am not sick anymore and I won't need to get the MRI to prove that.  So this is a tough day and that's okay.  It's sunny out.  I made the bed.  I prayed & meditated.  I made delicious, healthy food last night and just had a yummy breakfast that was also healthy.  MY guy was so kind to me just now on the phone.  I love.  I am loved.  Gross.  Haha.  It's okay - we are going to just take this one slow moment at a time today.  Breathe deep, go slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Urinary Tract Infucktion

I got a UTI last night while we were out to dinner.  Is that the craziest thing you have ever heard?  That has never happened to me before.  I have woken up with them but I have never had one just DEVELOP while I was eating.  IT WAS SO FUCKING PAINFUL.  We went right to the store and I got something and then I went home and it proceeded to get WORSE.  Then I was shaking and freezing - hole fuck it was awful.  Then I got so mad because we had sex before we went to dinner and so I was blaming my guy.  Then I was also mad because of cancer and cancer treatment and this awful, painful week I had......so crazy that my last post was about being excited for life and now I can't leave the house.  I am though - still excited for life.  However as it goes - I GUESS - that stupid onion peeled a little more and now some shit came up and I'm upset and angry.  However - however it's different and here's why...I have tools first of all.  I meditated this morning and I felt much better.  I talk to myself differently in my head - so even though I'm upset and don't feel well - I am not letting my brain and negative thoughts run away with itself.  Okay but let's talk about what happened this week - I need to get it off my chest. 

I don't know why but someone got mad at me.  Or it seemed like they were mad at me.  I kept trying to clarify what was happening and I kept apologizing which then the whole thing melted down anyway and I ended up feeling so sick and not being able to sleep.  I was supposed to go to therpy the next morning but I could not stop crying.  Luckily my therapist talked to me on the phone and she helped me mostly get on the other side of it.  then my boob that had the cancer in it felt better.  Which was so fucking weird.  This interaction (the person getting upset or being upset) somehow triggered so much shit from my childhood that I didn't even realize I was holding onto.  It left me just shook - so shook and I couldn't stop thinking how I could have had a different life - really just blaming blah blah.  And who knows maybe that is - or isn't true.  The point is that I was still holding onto that pain.  God - why do we do this?  Why do I dig through this shit?  Because on the other side is freedom - that's why.  Clarity.  Okay but I still have to write why this was so upsetting to me.  First of all I really thought I had done something wrong and in fact - I did the absolute best I could and can.  So I was sick because I kept apologizing.  It brought up all this shame for just EXISTING.  God it was fucking honestly and truly horrible.  Let me just say that probably this was going to happen at some other point with some other person.  IT has been in me for a long, long time and needed to come to the surface - so perhaps the incident itself wasn't even that awful but certainly what it triggered - was.  So - so I promised myself that I would write this.  I am writing this because I deserve to work through this.  I am always so worried about other people and other people's feelings and so I didn't even want to write about this.  But that is fucking bullshit.  So I am letting myself express this.  It's like I let myself get beat up.  It felt very much like when I was working for that woman at the boutique and she would just flip out on me and sometimes I would have to tell her to stop.  For the longest time I actually thought I did something wrong and then I realized I didn't - in fact the exact opposite.  The guy says it came up because my worth is changing so this came up to be healed.  I just wish it didn't feel so fucking awful.  It's so crazy - recovery - because it's painful and it doesn't feel like it's going to change but it does and it's a million times better.  Am I being honest or just angry?  Both?  I suppose both because I am angry.  Living in chaos fucking sucks.  I fucking hated it - I was always so confused and upset.  I never understood why everyone was so upset or what the fuck was going on.  Okay fine - I get it.  There was also a shitload of love and super fun times.  Yes.  However - this is what has ultimately been brought up.  I feel like I am at the mercy of other people and that I can't take care of myself or have my feelings.  I have to say this feels like first world problems to be able to dig through this and that I have the time to sit here sick form it and parcel it out.  But also - I am sick - I fucking got cancer and I want to live so I need to work through this.  This is a huge part of my problem - feeling like I don't have the right to exist as I am and do what I need to do for me.  So if you are louder, have more money or WHATEVER - than it all takes a pass to me.  Am I even making sense?  Yes - for me I am making sense.  Ugh I feel sick.  It's like I got to a puss pocket in myself.  It's so fucking gross.  I don't really know what to do and now this UTI is making me think negatively and I am so upset that this is effecting my weekend.  This is the thing - I have no control over other people's thoughts or feelings.  Everyone has their own higher powers and their own journeys.  I guess what's making me so upset is that I was vulnerable.  I was vulnerable as a child and I just am vulnerable now.  What?  Okay I am not as vulnerable now. I guess I sort of feel like an open wound but I'm not.  I take care of myself.  I didn't with this person - I should have said that you can't keep talking to me like this but oh well - I will.  I will take care of myself.  I just have such a conflict - when someone is upset and clearly hurting - even if they are hurting me I think "Well but they are so hurt!!"  But there you fucking go - that's why I am in alanon and why I need all this fucking help.  NO.. The answer is NO.  I will not let myself be exposed to other people's chaos to the point where I am sick for 3 days or even 30 fucking years.  Ugh - that's not even it.  It's just this - feel my feelings, feel my childhood, rest and let it heal.  I am a grown woman and I have a beautiful life.  I am loved and I love myself and others.  This feels confusing but I guess it isn't.  It is just what I said - some buried shit from my childhood has come UP and it's super uncomfortable and I feel kind of sick from it.  Luckily I am home resting right now and I can write and write till I feel better.  I have 2 shows tonight and I have no idea how I am going to do them.  Luckily they are near my house.  I can do it.  I can take a nap and I can do it.  I have the chills.  My poor little body.  Some of scars from chemo are actually getting better - I never thought that would happen but they are healing.  They kind of flare up a little bit and then they look way better.  I guess that's what's happening to me emotionally.  This is the flare up and then there will be healing.  GROSS.  BARF.  Baaaaaaaarf.  I was so sick last night form the UTI that it reminded me of chemo.  Fuck that was so awful.  Alright it's okay.  This helped - writing helped.  It always helps.  I am going to go write in my journal now and then work on my stuff for tonight.  Love you Bluebie bye. ps I just realized I also have choices.  I am not trapped or at the mercy of people - I have choices.  And help!  I have choices and lots of help.