MRI

I have an MRI in the morning - of my breasts.  The ones they wanted to cut off because they are - a mess.  The ones I didn't and still don't - want to get rid of.  I'm fucking crying.  I am just upset.  I am worried and I think I just wasn't even thinking about this and instead let someone knock me off my peg, got a uti and now it feels like I have a yeast infection.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Okay so what do I do?  What do I really do?  I can't change anything - whatever is going on with my body is going on with my body.  My knee is killing me when I jog so I can't jog.  The guy said this is alcoholism trying to get at me and the build up of worry over this mri.  Okay it's just a lot of shit coming up for some reason too.  Okay okay let's get back to what I can do to make it through this day.  I can go get groceries and I can run a couple of errands before I go to the kids.  Then I can go to that meeting that's ina cabin in the woods.  I love that meeting.  I honestly don't think there's more cancer - but I think that - wait.  Wait a second.  I already had an mri after they finished the last horrible chemo.  That one was good.  Right.  I have so many tools and so much help I can turn to.  I don't have to do this alone and if I want to I can.  But I don't have to.  It's also just an incredibly unpleasant exam.  The needles, the blah blah, the sounds.  Okay but I can do it.  I can do it.  I have faith and love and I can do it.  I can be super scared and upset and do it.  I really can.  I guess I have learned how brave I can truly be.  This last couple of years of treatment and doing comedy has really shown me how brave I actually am.  Being brave when you have no idea how scary something is - is nothing compared to being brave when you are terrified and know EXACTLY how scary it is.  So okay. And hopefully one day I will get to the place that my snake doctor told me about where I ill have certainty that I am not sick anymore and I won't need to get the MRI to prove that.  So this is a tough day and that's okay.  It's sunny out.  I made the bed.  I prayed & meditated.  I made delicious, healthy food last night and just had a yummy breakfast that was also healthy.  MY guy was so kind to me just now on the phone.  I love.  I am loved.  Gross.  Haha.  It's okay - we are going to just take this one slow moment at a time today.  Breathe deep, go slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.