I got a new job.

Oh my lord - now I have to work 3 jobs till I get this worked out.  I am fucking exhausted already.  Okay though - well I swear I will not feel safe until I am working a that other job.  I mean they put me on the schedule - holy fuck nuts - I am getting a headache I need to calm down.  I just ate a decorative cookie.  I am the store for 2 hours and a designer sent a cookie with their booth number for one of the wholesale shows and I ate it because I was so hungry and I am in such a panic about money.  Seriously I can buy myself a sandwich I need to calm down.  Okaaaay - byeeeee - I loooove you Bluebie!!!

What in the 100% fuck am I doing?

Seriously - what the fuck am I doing?  I just got back from working a double and I'm beyond tired.  I don't have a new job yet and the comedy club is crumbling - fast.  I'm ugh - what am I trying to say?  I have to write more if I want to be a comedian - that's it.  I have to rearrange my goals - my priorities.  I LOST my mind at work today and spent the whole day on facebook changing my profile picture over & over again - WHAT?  I just couldn't focus and I was so overstimulated.  I can write for hours when I am at the job - I just need to DO it.  I need focus and discipline.  Holy fuck - how am I going to do this in these next couple of weeks?  I am getting new pictures done and class starts and - ugh - really?  I haven't paid my rent for August this seems so retarded.  Am I being crazy?  I'm going to say the answer is yes.  Okay - I'm going to sleep on this.  I really am.  I have to be a grown-up.  Right?  I have to go to sleep - I will sleep on all of this and see what inspiration I get in the morning.  Good Blue I love you.

I'm so stressed out.

Now someone else quit from the comedy club and I haven't heard yet from the place I went to yesterday about a new job.  Holy shit I'm getting really scared - the ship is for real sinking.  It's the creepy guy - the one who  - it doesn't matter - he's the LAST person I expected to ever quit - what?  I am so tired also - I just walked - I'm not kidding you - for an hour to try and find pots to put these plants from my parents house in and I found them ACROSS THE STREET.  I am so CRAZY.  It felt wrong and I just kept going - like every relationship I have ever had.  Oh maybe my boyfriend is right across the street!!  HAhahahaaaaa - sigh.  Bye.

New Day.

It's a new day - yesterday was fun but oh lord so long and I got home and I was fucking EXGAUSTED - I mean sooooo tired.  So I have the day off from the store today and I got a ton of sleep - I feel much better.  So today is a new day that's all - I have a ton to do and it's not hearly as hot and gross out so that's good.  I went to write on here because I had such an epiphany and now I can't remember what it is - Lord!!  Well my coffee is good and that's great.  What the heck?  Okay I will have to come back to this.

FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!

I woke up today and I was like "OH my Gosh oh my gosh it's here!!!"  I was surprised by how excited I was - that must be what people are like on their wedding day - I mean when they marry someone that they really want to.  Anyway - whatever - I'm all aflutter but who cares - I'm excited!!  And isn't that nice - I'm excited and I'm not hung over, high and throwing up bile.  At least not yet but that chicken I just ate was weird.  Okay my Bluebie love - I LOVE YOU!!!!  Yay - if I wasn't sober you would have never been born - how blogging amazing is that??

He's just no that into you - or rather - me.

I'm reading that book - which is so embarrassing to read on the train but who gives a fuuuuck.  First of all I'm inspired because it's so fucking short - it wasn't cheap and it was a bestseller - so WOW on that.  Then also - DUH - he's not that into me.  That's what it has always been - ever since I broke up with my first boyfriend - dated that guy in college for years and then after that - it was just a disaster - they were either guys I wasn't into or they were just not into me and I settled - I totally settled.  And now it all makes so much sense with this last guy - he just wasn't that into me.  I just couldn't admit it to myself or maybe I just didn't know it.  It's like getting sober - I just couldn't hear all those other years how simple the solution was.  Now this last guy who I have liked and I haven't heard from??  WHO CARES??  He's not into me - LORD KNOWS WHY but WHO CARES?  He's NEVER going to treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated!  How much of a relief is that??  Seriously - it's so simple - it's so fucking simple.  So - so that's where I am - it's confusing why this guy seemed to like me but now doesn't but realizing honestly and truly that he's not has made it so much easier to move on.  And it also means that I don't have to wait around waiting to see if he's going to come around.  If he doesn't - fairly quickly - I know he's not into it - and I can move on.  GLORY!!!  Glory glory glory!!!  Isn't that so wonderful??  Okay my anniversary is in 35 minutes.  Holy shit.  I made myself dinner - carrot and ginger soup with chunks of garlic and tofu sautéed in garlic and 4 pepper BBQ sauce - YUM.  Then I had 2 different kinds of ice cream.  I hosted an open mike tonight and I went to a meeting and I bought a new clothes drying rack.  Isn't that fun?  Well it's fun to me.  I need to calm down - I am not calm.  Okaaaay - whoa.  I also cleaned the bathroom and watched Breaking Bad which is THE BEST SHOW EVER.  Holy fucknuts.  okay 30 minutes to go.  Good night my Bluebie - where was I this time last year let's look.

Monday.

It's Monday and it's Labor Day and I'm in my apartment with the windows open listening to the rain - it's nice.  It's warm and muggy but it's nice.  I just went and got some more grocery stuff and I finally am able to get my shit together for the week.  Today is the birthday of the woman who died last year from our disease - she was such a beautiful soul.  Sassy and hard but really such a loving person and hilarious.  And gorgeous - ugh I totally cried - it's so sad and painful what this does to people, families and - communities.  Gross.  I am definitely freaking out about tomorrow but fuck that - I am just going to keep going.  I got a haircut yesterday, mani/pedi (which was done by a gay Asian man who didn't feel gay - awkward), went to 2 meetings and spent time with my sponsee.  I also went to this church and cried and meditated for awhile.  I sat in front of this statue that reminds me of - I won't say but ugh I cried and I cried hard.  I forget how that painful thing was so affected by alcoholism.  I know I'm not making any sense but that one tragedy is too hard for me to write about and - I guess it just has to be that way.  I felt sort of punched by how upset I was - it's not something I think about everyday and holy shit - fuck the people I have lost and the world has lost from this disease.  If I only so one thing it's to grow in sobriety.  I think I might be being really fucking sentimental about this next anniversary.  My sponsor last year said that it's just another day and it is - it really is.  So let's calm down.  I woke up today, prayed & meditated, went in the park and - what else?  Went to the grocery store.  Ooookay - doesn't seem like much but it feels like a miracle.  To me.  I felt so gross yesterday after working Saturday night - ohhhh and I went to another place to see about a job - oh yes I did.  Okay - okay.  I need to go about this day and go host an open mike - come home and get to a meeting and clean and get ready for the week.  Byeee Bluebie I LOVE YOU.